


A Legion of (Chaotic) Horribles

by As_High_As_Honour



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Gotham (TV), Gotham - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, Freak Family (Gotham), Friendship, Gen, Group chat, If you love Jerome Valeska then this is for you, Jerome and Jeremiah have a good familial relationship, M/M, Memes, Pretty much everyone is gay or bi, Shenanigans, Swearing, Vines, because I love him too and will make sure he gets the love he FUCKING DESERVES, how to tag?, it's a group chat fic idk what else to say, legion of horribles - Freeform, like lots of swearing, so do Jervis and Alice, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 38,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27043219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/As_High_As_Honour/pseuds/As_High_As_Honour
Summary: mad as a hatter: Fear not, my dear Mr Crane! To trivia night, I would gladly accompany you again!pengy: HMMMMMdo it for the plants: interesting, very IN TER RES TINGdo it for the plants: but that's none of my beesnessJon Snow: Ivy i stg i will body slam you next time i see you if you don't stfucrazy gingersnap: kinky 😉~~~~Or, the legion of horribles found family high school chat fic that I asked for and thus I'm writing.
Relationships: Barbara Kean/Tabitha Galavan (background), Ecco/Jeremiah Valeska, Jerome Valeska/Bruce Wayne, Jim Gordon/Barbara Kean (past), Jim Gordon/Leslie Thompkins (background), Jonathan Crane/Jervis Tetch, Martha Wayne/Thomas Wayne (background), Nora Fries/Victor Fries (minor), Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma, Selina Kyle/Bridgit Pike, Victor Zsasz/Alzarez (background)
Comments: 233
Kudos: 170





	1. welcome (back) to hell

**Author's Note:**

> The nicknames (in order of appearance) 
> 
> Jerome = crazy gingersnap  
> Bridget = firewitch  
> Jeremiah = nerdy carrot top  
> Silver = on cloud9 bitches  
> Oswald = pengy  
> Ivy = do it for the plants  
> Jonathan = Jon Snow  
> Ecco= boss bitch  
> Jervis = mad as a hatter  
> Victor Fries = the guy she tells you not to worry about  
> Edward = the enigma  
> Selina = kitty cat  
> Bruce = the power of God and anime

_crazy gingersnap set the chat name to: legion of horribles - welcome (back) to hell_

crazy gingersnap: so, in preparation for our return to school tomorrow, i have renamed the chat 

firewitch: jerome, wtf, first day of school is today 

crazy gingersnap: shit it is?

nerdy carrot top: Why do you think Dad is trying to get you out of bed, you fucking moron? 

crazy gingersnap: tf am i supposed to know, dude tries to get me up on Saturdays at the ass crack of dawn like this is the army or some shit

crazy gingersnap: HOW WAS I TO KNOW THIS WAS DIFFERENT??????

firewitch: because it's not Saturday??? 

on cloud9 bitches: it is still so weird to think that Gordon and Barbara are your foster parents 

nerdy carrot top: Adopted parents now. He and Barbara filed for joint custody after the divorce. It was a whole thing

pengy: pretty much everyone in this chat is adopted, lol 

pengy: wait Gordon and Kean split up??

do it for the plants: dude, did you not pay attention to the chat all summer, that's literally all we talked about

do it for the plants: well that and Bridget finally asking Selina out 

firewitch: speaking of, can i add Selina to the gc?

pengy: so what I'm hearing is, Gordon's single

boss bitch: oh please, not this again 

nerdy carrot top: Yes, please stop drooling over my dad Oswald. It was funny at first, now it is simply weird. 

nerdy carrot top: Side note: watching Jerome speed through getting ready for school is hilarious 

crazy gingersnap: wtf Miah, you creep, get tf out of my room

crazy gingersnap: also very much agreed, stop perving on my dad ozzie 

pengy: for the last time, I am not perving on Gordon, I'm simply taking an interest in the life of the man who happens to be two of my best friends' adopted dad 

Jon Snow: riiiiiiight

Jon Snow: wait why is my nickname STILL Jon Snow??

boss bitch: do we really have to answer that?

Jon Snow: ffs it was one time 

do it for the plants: that we are never letting you forget 

Jon Snow: I am never taking any of you to trivia night again

on cloud9 bitches: you're not taking us? Bitch we're not taking you 

mad as a hatter: Fear not, my dear Mr Crane! To trivia night, I would gladly accompany you again! 

pengy: HMMMMM

do it for the plants: interesting, very IN TER RES TING 

do it for the plants: but that's none of my beesness 

Jon Snow: Ivy i stg i will body slam you next time i see you if you don't stfu 

crazy gingersnap: kinky 😉

do it for the plants: no, tf, he wishes he was lucky enough to get kinky w/ me

Jon Snow: um excuse you IM GAY 

boss bitch: we know 

boss bitch: Side note: I love how virtually everyone in this chat is not straight 

Jon Snow: aw look they both use side note 

boss bitch: what?

nerdy carrot top: NOTHING 

Jon Snow: 😏😏

on cloud9 bitches: ikr the only patented straight guy is my man Victor 

on cloud9 bitches: btw how are you, haven't heard from you yet

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I'm conscious and I don't want to be

the guy she tells you not to worry about: obviously I'm doing great

the guy she tells you not to worry about: also that's fine Bridget, you can add Selina to the chat 

firewitch: THANK YOU Victor, the ONLY one of my SO CALLED friends who bothered answering my question 

boss bitch: sorry it got lost in the chat, of course you can add her 

on cloud9 bitches: I'm reluctantly saying yes bc you're my friend and it would make you happy

on cloud9 bitches: but let the record show that I will not be held accountable for my actions if we throw down

pengy: oh yeah I forgot you two spent freshman year engaging in petty fights and bitchy back talk, good times. 

pengy: also I'm cool with adding Selina, especially if it means we get a sequel to the Locker Incident 

nerdy carrot top: First of all, I vote yes for adding Selina. Second of all, I forgot about the Locker Incident, that was insane 

Jon Snow: -ly funny. Yeah you can add her 

mad as a hatter: Adding your love to the chat, you ask? Why if we were in person, I'd tip you my hat! 

Jon Snow: that means yes 

firewitch: hmm, interesting how you know that 😏😏😉😉

Jon Snow: i will douse you in water witch 

on cloud9 bitches: i mean, if that's what you're into 

crazy gingersnap: kinky 😉

Jon Snow: did we not just establish I'm gay?

mad as a hatter: Indeed we did

do it for the plants: listen guys, I fucking love Selina but we can't add her to the chat 

firewitch: what why not? 

mad as a hatter: Pray-tell, why ever not?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: there are two types of people 

do it for the plants: because if we add Selina, she'll want to add Bruce 

mad as a hatter: The boy whose affections Silver and Selina battled for?

Jon Snow: yeah but they both got over that when Silver realised she was gay and Selina starting liking Bridget 

Jon Snow: so i don't see what the problem- oh 

pengy: fuck

nerdy carrot top: How could we forget about that?

boss bitch: he literally goes on about him all the time 

on cloud9 bitches: in our defence, summer limited their interactions so he hasn't had much to say about him 

firewitch: still, I can't believe we forgot how into Bruce Jerome is and how he can barely form two sentences around him 

crazy gingersnap: BRUUUUUUUUUUCIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE 😭😭❤️❤️❤️

the guy she tells you not to worry about: sigh

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and so it begins 

boss bitch: we'll hold off on adding her for now and see if.... This *gestures at Jerome* gets any better 

firewitch: fair enough

firewitch: so who made it to first period on time? 

nerdy carrot top: I did, of course, and Jerome somehow managed to get his shit ready on time so he's in class too, as is Ecco

Jon Snow: me and Jervis are currently sitting through a math class that is way too in depth for 1) the first day back and 2) 9 in the morning 

boss bitch: mood

crazy gingersnap: bet you're enjoying that math class then and not because of the math 😉😉😉

Jon Snow: Jerome stfu 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: De Nile is not just a river in Egypt Jonathan 

Jon Snow: ffs not you too 

on cloud9 bitches: soooo me and pengy are in bio class and he just got partnered up with the new guy 

mad as a hatter: We have a new student with us? 

boss bitch: yeah, heard on the grapevine that he's some sort of whiz kid

boss bitch: and is VERY into riddles

crazy gingersnap: kinky 😉

nerdy carrot top: Jerome, you can't say 'kinky' and then wink after every time someone says something 

crazy gingersnap: I CAN AND I WLIL BITCH!!!

crazy gingersnap: FIGTH ME!!!! 

firewitch: so anywaaaaaaay

firewitch: what's he like oz? 

pengy: YOU GUYS I THINK IM IN LOOOOOOOOVE ❤️❤️❤️❤️

do it for the plants: ah shit, here we go again 

pengy: HIS HANE IS EDWARD AND HE LIKIES RIDDLES SND HE IS MY FTURE HUSBAND 

pengy: i mean

pengy: he seems alright 

boss bitch: uh huh 

on cloud9 bitches: he 'likies' riddles, does he? 

nerdy carrot top: This looks like a train wreck just waiting to happen

nerdy carrot top: So of course, I'm going to speed the process up by adding him to the chat 

pengy: Jeremiah NO

nerdy carrot top: Jeremiah YES 

crazy gingersnap: and you thought i was the only chaotic sibling 

firewitch: no we know you're both nightmares 

_nerdy carrot top added 1 new member to the chat_

mad as a hatter: Greetings newcomer! How fares thee today? 

Edward: um hello? 

on cloud9 bitches: Hi! We're Oswald's friends 

Edward: Oh it's nice to meet you all! 😄

do it for the plants: oh trust me that feeling won't last long 

crazy gingersnap: we're awful 

do it for the plants: terrible 

crazy gingersnap: unbelievably bad 

do it for the plants: so bad you might even call us....

crazy gingersnap: A LEGION OF HORRIBLES 

firewitch: you guys have got to stop introducing us that way 

crazy gingersnap: NEVER 

pengy: no one else but the people in this chat understand that joke

do it for the plants: we said never and we meant it BITCH 

Edward: what did I get added into? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: A descent into degeneracy that you will never recover from 

boss bitch: Welcome to hell Riddle Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many other things I should be doing but FUCK IT I want to write a Gotham Group Chat Fic so here we fucking are.
> 
> No Bruce or Selina but don't worry they shall appear in the next chapter.
> 
> This is total chaos btw don't expect too much.
> 
> If I owned Gotham, Jerome would have lived, he and Jeremiah would've been partners and sooooo many other things would've been different that there is too much to talk about. Suffice to say, I only own the plot.
> 
> Well here we go, let's see if I can stick with this fic!


	2. what's in a (nick) name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: may I ask the origins of your nicknames? Some of them are confusing 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: lol he said may instead of can, that's so fucking precious 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: *pretentious, damn autocorrect 
> 
> do it for the plants: *face palm*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied/referenced child abuse and bullying. Nothing in depth but it is explicitly mentioned.
> 
> Just saying, if I owned Gotham, Valeyne would've actually been a thing.

firewitch: soooooo since we added a guy we've known for precisely two seconds (no offence Edward) can i please add Selina?

Edward: none taken 

Edward: who is Selina?

boss bitch: Bridget's (firewitch) girlfriend 

Edward: and why isn't she in the chat?

Jon Snow: because if we add Selina, she'll want to add Bruce, who Jerome (crazy gingersnap) is in love with 

crazy gingersnap: i LIKE him, im not in love w/ him 

pengy: sure Jan 

crazy gingersnap: you wanna fucking go Ozzie???

on cloud9 bitches: we can't add Bruce, Jerome is broken enough, we add Bruce into this shit, he's going to be on semi permanent mute bc he won't be able to say anything bc Bruce is here 

nerdy carrot top: I see no problem with this

crazy gingersnap: hurtful but true 

crazy gingersnap: go fuck yourself Miah 

nerdy carrot top: Fuck no, that'd be like fucking you

crazy gingersnap: eXcUsE yOu bitch, there are plenty of people who would love to fuck me

nerdy carrot top: Evidently, Bruce isn't one of them 

crazy gingersnap: we share a wall Miah, in both Jim's house and Barbara's, i know every secret you have, you sure you wanna start this w/ me? Bearing in mind exactly WHO IN PARTCIULAR is in this chat????

nerdy carrot top: ...

nerdy carrot top: No 

crazy gingersnap: that's what i thought 

Edward: what just happened?

pengy: nothing out of the ordinary 

mad as a hatter: If I may contribute to the original discussion, might I suggest we add Selina and Bruce to allow Jerome the opportunity to bond with him, so then when they next cross paths in person, he will not be so tongue-tied? 

Edward: so do you just always talk like a 19th century bachelor?

mad as a hatter: Most definitely 😊

boss bitch: it's kinda his thing 

Jon Snow: that's a good idea Jervis

on cloud9 bitches: oH rEAllY? 

Jon Snow: suck a dick Silver

on cloud9 bitches: ew no thanks, that's straight 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: though in fairness, that is a good idea 

mad as a hatter: why thank you my dear Mr Crane and Mr Fries!

firewitch: oooooooh Jonny's got competition 

Jon Snow: *prolonged sigh* 

pengy: I wanna see Jerome crash and burn, so yeah, let's add Bruce 

crazy gingersnap: wtf pengy why?!

pengy: BC IM A PETTY BITCH, that's why 

do it for the plants: mood

crazy gingersnap: Ivyyyyyyy, my best girl, my best friend, my fellow ginger haired chaotic fucktwit, you can't let them add Bruce, I'll embarrass myself SO BAD 😰😰😰

Edward: "my fellow ginger haired chaotic fucktwit" wow that is amazing 😂

crazy gingersnap: ty I try 

do it for the plants: it'll be okay bb, this is your chance to get Bruce to like you! 

nerdy carrot top: Yes, and even if you fail, imagine how hilarious it will be for the rest of us 

do it for the plants: not helping Miah

nerdy carrot top: Who said I was trying to be helpful?

boss bitch: *crosses arms* Jeremiah

nerdy carrot top: I'M SORRY, WE'LL GET BRUCE TO LIKE YOU 

firewitch: lmao, Ecco has you whipped and she doesn't even realise it 

boss bitch: what no I don't he just holds my opinion in a high regard 

firewitch: see what i mean?? 

crazy gingersnap: sooooo you guys will help me get Bruce to notice me??

the guy she tells you not to worry about: obviously, I want to see the SS Valeyne sail in my lifetime 

Edward: why are we talking about boats??

on cloud9 bitches: oh you sweet little innocent pengy he's a keeper 

pengy: SHUT YO BITCH ASS UP 

mad as a hatter: Victor is referring to the fact that he 'ships' Jerome and Bruce and wishes to see them be together. That is where the term comes from - he wants them to be in a relation-ship 

Edward: oh I see, that's quite clever 😄

boss bitch: well aren't you adorable

boss bitch: makes me excited to see your dark side 

Edward: what makes you think I have one?

boss bitch: the quiet ones always do

Jon Snow: well that was fucking ominous 

boss bitch: anyway, of course we'll help you get Bruce to like you Jerome 

firewitch: yeah let us be your wingmen/women!

firewitch: wingpeople? 

Edward: I'm only 90% sure of what's going on rn but sure I'll help you with this

mad as a hatter: I, too, shall assist you in this endeavour 

Jon Snow: dude just let them add Selina and Bruce what's the worst that could happen 

crazy gingersnap: do you want a list??

do it for the plants: it will be fine 

on cloud9 bitches: let's just do it so he won't have enough time to talk himself out of it 

_firewitch added 2 members to the chat_

firewitch: Everyone this is my girlfriend Selina, and this is Selina's boyfriend Bruce. 

Edward: um what?

Selina: relax she's referencing Parks and Rec, Bruce ain't my boyfriend 

Selina: who are you 

Edward: I'm Edward, today's my first day 😄

Bruce: Nice to meet you Edward, I'm Bruce 😄

crazy gingersnap: FBVHHFDSBNUMBCTBK

crazy gingersnap: sorry i sneezed while typing

Bruce: bless you! 

crazy gingersnap: ASFHNUGBRCNI

crazy gingersnap: must be getting the flu or some shit 

boss bitch: uh huh 

firewitch: well I suppose introductions are in order

Edward: yes that would helpful, I have no idea who any of you are 

pengy: ffs sorry Ed I forgot to tell you who's who

Edward: no worries 😄

Selina: oh I see what's going on here 😏😏

pengy: there's nothing TO see, stfu Selina 

pengy: I'm Oswald 

crazy gingersnap: Jerome 

nerdy gingersnap: Jeremiah (Jerome and I are twins) 

boss bitch: Ecco

firewitch: Bridget 

Jon Snow: Jonathan 

mad as a hatter: Jervis Tetch at your service 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Victor Fries 

do it for the plants: Ivy 

on cloud9 bitches: Silver 

Bruce: oh hi Silver... Been a while 

on cloud9 bitches: relax Bruce I'm gay and therefore not into you anymore

on cloud9 bitches: and to you Selina, I reluctantly propose a truce for the sake of my friend and your girlfriend 

Selina: I reluctantly accept 

firewitch: you guys 😭😭❤️❤️❤️😍😍😍😍

pengy: bitch I've been robbed I was rooting for a sequel to the Locker Incident 

pengy: where is my sequel 

Edward: what is the Locker Incident??

boss bitch: now now Riddle Man we can't tell you all our secrets at once 

boss bitch: which reminds me, we need nicknames for our newbies 

Edward: can mine not be Riddle Man? That's the name my bully at my old high school would call me 

boss bitch: oh shit sorry 

Edward: it's okay, you didn't know 

firewitch: ugh high school bullies are the worst 

firewitch: well actually we haven't had bullies in high school bc we all became friends fairly quickly and now everyone is scared of/weirded out by us 

firewitch: but I had to live with my brothers for 11 years until Ozzie's parents adopted me and they were the fucking worst 

pengy: genuinely awful people 

do it for the plants: pretty sure we all had kindergarten and/or middle school bullies 

nerdy carrot top: I didn't 

nerdy carrot top: But only because Jerome would chase them down and beat the shit out of them 

on cloud9 bitches: Jerome - 6, Jeremiah - 5

Bruce: what is that?

on cloud9 bitches: nothing you need to know about... Yet 😉

boss bitch: or we had shitty parents or shitty siblings 

crazy gingersnap: i had both of those 

nerdy carrot top: What the hell dude?

crazy gingersnap: jks broski i looooooove you 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jerome - 7, Jeremiah - 5

Jon Snow: as much as i love commiserating on our depressing childhoods, we were talking about nicknames 

Bruce: may I ask the origins of your nicknames? Some of them are confusing 

crazy gingersnap: lol he said may instead of can, that's so fucking precious 

crazy gingersnap: *pretentious, damn autocorrect 

do it for the plants: *face palm* 

Edward: I'd also like clarification on the nicknames

the guy she tells you not to worry about: well Jerome is crazy gingersnap because he's psychotic ginger

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jeremiah is nerdy carrot top because he's a smart ginger

mad as a hatter: I am referred to as the Mad Hatter because I talk in rhyme a lot of the time, I wear top hats and drink tea, and my little sister Alice is dear to me 

on cloud9 bitches: my last name is St. Cloud hence cloud9 reference 

on cloud9 bitches: Victor is the guy she tells you not to worry about because he's so chill literally any girl would leave their boyfriend for him 

firewitch: I'm a pyromaniac 

pengy: i was born with a really bad limp so it looks like im waddling when i walk. People call me penguin and my friends call me pengy 

pengy: Ecco IS a boss bitch 

boss bitch: *nods* 

crazy gingersnap: Ivy is an environmentalist and would do anything for nature 

Jon Snow: instead of "would you do it for a scooby snack?" it's "would you do it for the plants?" 

do it for the plants: and Jonathan is Jon Snow bc 1) his name is Jon and 2) you should never bring him to a trivia night because he knows nothing

Jon Snow: THAT WAS ONE FUCKING TMIE

boss bitch: YOU FAILED ALL THE GAME OF THRONES QUESTIONS JONATHAN 

Jon Snow: SO?!?!?

on cloud9 bitches: YOU SPENT ALL LAST SUMMER REWATCHING IT

on cloud9 bitches: YOU HAVE READ THE BOOKS

Jon Snow: ITS NOT MY FAULT IM BAD UNDER PRESSURE 

Bruce: clearly this is a sensitive subject 

crazy gingersnap: what makes you think that??

Bruce: you know, now that you mention it, I'm not sure what I was thinking 😂😉

crazy gingersnap: ....

nerdy carrot top: YOU GUYS JEROME FUCKING SQUEALED 

crazy gingersnap: A SPIDER DROPPED DOWN ON ME I PANICKED 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: uh huh 

_Selina set 2 nicknames_

cat: so what we calling the new guy?

the power of God and anime: why is this my nickname? 

cat: bc that vine describes your entire personality 

_mad as a hatter changed 1 nickname_

kitty cat: wtf why?

mad as a hatter: What is life without whimsy? ☺️

pengy: soooo what's Ed's nickname gonna be since Riddle Man is (understandably) out of the question 

Edward: thanks, I was worried I was going to have a repeat of my life at my old high school

pengy: anyone messes with you Ed, tell me and I will destroy them 

pengy: WE will all destroy them 

kitty cat: nice save lol

Edward: I had to change my name and everything, it was a thing

Edward: well that and my parents were abusive fucks and I want nothing to do with them anymore 

crazy gingersnap: wow you're just bearing your heart out to us huh? 

nerdy carrot top: Ignore Jerome, he uses humour as a shield and tries to make light of the situation when he starts thinking about our fucked up childhood 

on cloud9 bitches: what did you change your name to??

Edward: um well

Edward: it's stupid you'll laugh 

mad as a hatter: I assure you Edward we will not 😄

firewitch: yeah we're friends now so we won't laugh at you

boss bitch: and if anyone does laugh at you, just tell me and I'll... Talk to them

Jon Snow: again, fucking ominous 

Jon Snow: but for a good cause so meh

the guy she tells you not to worry about: honestly Ed no one will laugh at you 

Edward: well it's 

Edward: Edward Nygma 

crazy gingersnap: wait 

crazy gingersnap: so your E. Nygma and you like riddles 

Edward: yes

crazy gingersnap: wtf that's brilliant 

kitty cat: not what I would've gone with but you do you

the power of God and anime: guys I know what his nickname should be!

 _the power of God and anime changed 1 nickname_

the enigma: I love it

on cloud9 bitches: Woah Ed is fucking beaming rn, good job Bruce 

the power of God and anime: great, I was afraid you wouldn't like it 😄😄😄

Jon Snow: oh my sweet summer child, what do you know of fear? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: stop trying to redeem yourself Jonathan that ship has long since sailed 

boss bitch: GUYS the twins and I were leaving class and we saw Alice ❤️❤️

firewitch: she is babey, how is she???

nerdy carrot top: She's having a good first day so far 

nerdy carrot top: and is still inexplicably crushing on Jerome 

crazy gingersnap: 'inexplicably' how dare you it is very explicable 

crazy gingersnap: im a catch

Jon Snow: sure Jan 

do it for the plants: oh also Alice is Jervis's little sister. She's starting high school today. She is precious, amazing, adorable 

do it for the plants: a cinnamon roll too good; too pure for this world 

boss bitch: so it is our solemn duty to protect her

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you see anyone messing with her, you kick their teeth in 

mad as a hatter: If they hurt her, monsters they be, therefore you should show them no mercy 

the power of the God and anime: what is is this group chat?

the enigma: "A descent into degeneracy you shall never recover from" according to Victor 

kitty cat: sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Selina are in the chat! 
> 
> Up next: when your childhood is so bad, it might as well be your super villain origin story.


	3. we're super villains just waiting to happen aren't we??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> crazy gingersnap: hey!
> 
> boss bitch: well it's true 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: still, dont know what ive done to deserve this level of SHADE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: explicitly implied/referenced child abuse, bullying and murder. Also mentions of pedophilia BUT no pedophilia actually happens/happened. 
> 
> This one is kind of sad but with a good ending to it (next chapter will be significantly more light hearted and funny).
> 
> Idk how many times I have to say it, but I don't own Gotham.

nerdy carrot top: Guys, parent's night is coming up and you know that means

Jon Snow: my mom is going to super proud of my grades but despairing of my behaviour???

nerdy carrot top: No

nerdy carrot top: Well yes, but not what I was referring to 

the enigma: what were you referring to?

nerdy carrot top: Barbara and Jim will both be there and they haven't seen each other since the divorce 

pengy: oh this is going to be gooooood 

mad as a hatter: Was it not a happy divorce?

boss bitch: when is divorce ever happy? 

pengy: well i was very happy when my father divorced that bitch Grace so he could marry my mother 

boss bitch: when is it ever MUTUALLY happy??

on cloud9 bitches: rarely but I'm sure there have been instances 

crazy gingersnap: this ain't one of them 

nerdy carrot top: *isn't one of them 

crazy gingersnap: dont make me hurt you 

the enigma: was it a very bitter divorce?

crazy gingersnap: kinda, dad wanted to break up with mom because they'd been getting distant or some shit and mom didn't want that at first 

nerdy carrot top: I think she's glad they're not together anymore though, now that she's had some time away from him. Nonetheless, bitter feelings are still very much present on both sides 

do it for the plants: so parents night is gonna be hilarious 

do it for the plants: well for the rest of us 

do it all for the plants: actually no Jerome will see the funny , so only Jeremiah won't have a good time 

the power of God and anime: is this Jim as in Detective Gordon?

crazy gingersnap: yeah he's our adopted dad how'd you know him? 

the power of God and anime: he's friends with my parents and my butler Alfred, we met at a gala being thrown for the GCPD 

the power of God and anime: he seems like a good man

crazy gingersnap: he makes me get up at 5am on saturdyas so obviously hes evil 

crazy gingersnap: jk hes cool

the power of God and anime: how did you end up in his care, if you don't mind my asking? 

crazy gingersnap: shit well its not a nice story 

nerdy carrot top: Starts out very bad 

the power of God and anime: if you feel uncomfortable talking about it I understand 

crazy gingersnap: no! i wanna tell you 

crazy gingersnap: i mean sure if you wanna know

do it for the plants: smooth

nerdy carrot top: Well, Jerome and I were raised by our mother in the circus. She... was a bitter woman whose three favourite things in life were drinking, sleeping around and beating the crap out of us

crazy gingersnap: believe it or not tho she was better than our uncle who loved to hurt us in increasingly cruel and inventive ways 

nerdy carrot top: Anyway, some time after our tenth birthday, Uncle Zack and Mother got into a fight in his diner. Jerome and I were upstairs in the apartment above it. All we heard was the screaming. Until it stopped 

nerdy carrot top: Basically, they killed each other. We found the bodies and phoned the police. That's when we met Jim 

crazy gingersnap: he was on a date with Barbara at the time and she tagged along and they just kinda decided to become our foster parents 

the power of God and anime: I'm sorry you had to go through that 😔

crazy gingersnap: oh shit uh don't be! It all worked out in the end! 

on cloud9 bitches: nice to know you're still shit at comforting people 

nerdy carrot top: Jerome just doesn't know what to do when people are crying, he honest to God runs around like a headless chicken trying to find a responsible adult to help because he sure as hell can't

crazy gingersnap: hey!

boss bitch: well it's true 

crazy gingersnap: still, dont know what ive done to deserve this level of SHADE 

the enigma: so I take it your father wasn't in the picture? 

kitty cat: woah dude that could be a very sensitive subject 

the enigma: I'm a very insensitive person 

Jon Snow: I can see why you like him Ozzie 

pengy: stfu before I start making comments about a certain tea loving guy in this group 

crazy gingersnap: no he died at sea

nerdy carrot top: No, he was an old blind guy at the circus who wasn't in any fit state to look after children 

nerdy carrot top: Wait 

crazy gingersnap: WHAT

nerdy carrot top: Oh my gosh, you didn't know?!

crazy gingersnap: MR CICERO IS OUR FATHER?!?!?!?

nerdy carrot top: YES! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT?! 

crazy gingersnap: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?! 

firewitch: well shit just got real 

nerdy carrot top: I worked it out! Why do you think he was so nice to us to all the time?

crazy gingersnap: uh cuz i thought he was pedophile 

crazy gingersnap: oh man now i feel bad for burning his curtains 

nerdy carrot top: THAT WAS YOU?!

crazy gingersnap: I THOUGHT HE WAS A PEDOPHILE 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I believe the word we are now looking for is

the guy she tells you not to worry about: anyway 

do it for the plants: Victor is Ross from Friends #comfirmed

on cloud9 bitches: is it sad back story time? It feels like it's sad back story time

Jon Snow: this conversation has bummed me out already so yeah sad back story time 

on cloud9 bitches: well my parents died when I was fairly young and I was taken in by my Uncle Theo (who's a dick) and my Aunt Tabitha (who's the best) 

pengy: I originally grew up with only my mother and got bullied a lot bc of my limp but things got better when my father and mother reunited. He broke up with his wife and we moved into his house. Now I'm living the life 😎

firewitch: as mentioned before, I grew up with my brothers who were assholes, and criminals who got themselves killed in gang wars. I was friends with Ozzie for a while before this happened so his parents decided to take me in and adopt me 

boss bitch: my dad bailed on me and my mom before my sixth birthday but this turned out to be a good thing bc he was a duck and we're better off w/out him 

boss bitch: *dick

Jon Snow: quack quack bitch 

boss bitch: quack quack 

Jon Snow: my back story is actually pretty okay, my dad is a bit of a prick but I've got my mom so 

Jon Snow: and Jervis lives with his parents and sister so, we're both good for the most part, apart from all the bullying before high school

mad as a hatter: Indeed we are my dear Mr Crane 😌

firewitch: HMMMMMMMMM

pengy: HMMMMMMM

Jon Snow: I will murder you both I stg 

pengy: and have to deal with the wrath of my mother, THE Gertrud Kappelput? I think not

Jon Snow: fuck I did not think this through

Jon Snow: you're lucky your mom is so terrifying 

firewitch: she is a queen 👑👑👑

the guy she tells you not to worry about: likewise, I don't really have a sad back story other than the constant bullying endured throughout kindergarten and middle school. I was a weird kid and people did not like that 

Jon Snow: bitch me too

Jon Snow: the fuck 

the enigma: well you kind of know some of mine but as I said, my parents were not good to me and I got bullied a lot but there was one particular instance when my dad beat me up to the point I actually had to go to hospital. That's when I met Captain Sarah Essen who made sure my parents lost custody of me and my dad went to jail. She decided to take me in and I moved to this high school 

do it for the plants: wow we're really setting a precedent here

do it for the plants: three instances where children get adopted by the cops working on their parents' cases 

the power of God and anime: is that your sad back story 

do it for the plants: yep my dad was an abusive shit who got really drunk one night and ended up killing my mother in a drunken rage. He tried killing me too but the noise led to one of my neighbours calling the cops and the detective on the case shot him before he could get to me 

the power of God and anime: I'm so sorry 😔

do it for the plants: don't be, wasnt your fault. Anyway I got put into a foster home for a while before the detective on the case, Harvey Bullock, came by to check on me bc he was feeling guilty about how it all went down. We got to talking and he kept coming back every week to check up on me until one day he asked if I'd be okay with him adopting me and I said yes 

the enigma: well that must've taken a bit of getting used to 

do it for the plants: living with the man who killed my father? Yeah it was an adjustment but like I said, my dad was not a good person and Harvey is honestly a lot better than him 

do it for the plants: dont get me wrong, he's a slob with a bit of a drinking problem but he never hits me or makes uncomfortable, and he always makes sure I have everything I need so overall it worked out pretty well in the end 

kitty cat: well if we're all sharing, my mom left me when I was very Young and I spent a long time waiting for her to come back

kitty cat: only when she did come back, it was only bc I was friend w/ Bruce and she thought she could get some money outta him 

kitty cat: I'm done w/ her now 

the power of God and anime: Selina has been unofficially living with my family for a while now 

the power of God and anime: she comes and goes 

kitty cat: well duh I'm a cat 

do it for the plants: wow I'm beat, you guys are not getting emotional talks out of me for a while 

crazy gingersnap: bitch same 

on cloud9 bitches: we've all gone through so much emotional shit man how are we still functioning??

mad as a hatter: Perhaps one day, we shall snap, and from that point, won't be able to come back

firewitch: we're super villains just waiting to happen aren't we??

boss bitch: um obviously did you not already know this??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, not a particularly funny chapter but next one will be! 
> 
> Also, the spelling mistakes in this are intentional - it's a group chat fic, irl people misspell things.
> 
> Yes, their parents' are alive and/or they are living with new parents, because I want them to be HAPPY.
> 
> next up: parents' night and shenanigans.


	4. of friendzones and future parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do it for the plants: the twins and I are the spawn of Satan 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: #confirmed

boss bitch: well parents night is here 

boss bitch: and it's going to be a fucking train wreck 

on cloud9 bitches: obviously why else would we come to these things 

Jon Snow: apropos nothing, I can't believe I never worked out that Silver's Uncle Theo was Principal Galavan 

kitty cat: wait HES your uncle??

on cloud9 bitches: step-uncle technically but yeah 

kitty cat: well that explains a lot about your personality 

the enigma: Oooh shots fired 

the enigma: do people still say that?

pengy: yes they absolutely do right guys????

the guy she tells you not to worry about: uh huh

the guy she tells you not to worry about: sure 

do it for the plants: so who's all coming tonight? 

crazy gingersnap: wouldn't you like to know 😏😉

do it for the plants: yes that's why I asked bitch 

the power of God and anime: I think he meant it in a dirty way 

kitty cat: yes Bruce we know 

kitty cat: btw innuendos almost always go completely over his head 

firewitch: reeeeeeeeally??

crazy gingersnap: Bridget you little shit what are you planning?

firewitch: Nothing...

firewitch: Yet 😈

nerdy carrot top: Bridget is evil #confirmed 

mad as a hatter: No, Bridget is the spawn of Satan #confirmed 

boss bitch: counter argument: no, Bridget IS evil and the twins + Ivy are the spawn of Satan #confirmed 

do it for the plants: feel like that's mainly bc of our hair and not our personality, but it's accurate anyway so yeah 

do it for the plants: the twins and I are the spawn of Satan 

crazy gingersnap: #confirmed 

the enigma: to answer the original question, I'll be going, just leaving now

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I won't be because what's the point?

on cloud9 bitches: *gasp* Victor! Think about all the drama you're gonna miss out on! 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you guys will be texting every minute of it so

on cloud9 bitches: well yes

on cloud9 bitches: but still, it won't be the same 

nerdy carrot top: Jerome and I have devised a plan to keep Jim and Barbara away from each other

nerdy carrot top: Basically, Jerome's going to take Barbara around all his humanities-category classes while I take Jim around my science, maths, etc. classes and then switch once we're done

crazy gingersnap: theyre gonna run into each other stop trying to delay the inevitable 

nerdy carrot top: So you can spell 'inevitable' but you can't add an apostrophe to 'they're'?

crazy gingersnap: that is correct

mad as hatter: I regret to tell, I also won't attend, my sister is sick and in need of a friend 

firewitch: aw poor babey give her our best 💖💖

mad as a hatter: I shall 

mad as a hatter: She thanks you for your sweet words, and hopes you will have a good day without her 

Jon Snow: so is everyone else still coming? 

the power of God and anime: it would seem so 

pengy: we all know Kean and Gordon will be there and the resulting chaos that ensues is not something I'm going to miss for anything

the enigma: would you miss it for me??

pengy: well

pengy: I 

pengy: yes 

nerdy carrot top: *whip crack*

pengy: oh please like your one to talk 

nerdy carrot top: *you're 

pengy: I will hurt you Valeska

boss bitch: Oswald 

pengy: I will hurt you when Ecco can't see me or get to me 

the enigma: there's so many strong friendships in this chat, Oswald and I, Ecco and Jeremiah, Jervis and Jonathan etc. it'd warm my heart if I had one 

crazy gingersnap: OOF 

kitty cat: OOF 

on cloud9 bitches: OOF 

firewitch: BITCH WE ALL FELT THAT 

the power of God and anime: but there ARE a lot of strong friendships in this chat 

the power of God and anime: Selina and I are good friends

the power of God and anime: and me and Jerome, right? 😄

crazy gingersnap: hey God, next time do me a favour and just shoot me, itd hurt less

the power of God and anime: what?

crazy gingersnap: what? 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Selina the Teenage Cat: bitch did you you just friendzone yourself?

Bruce the Teenage Bat: I PANICKED 

Selina the Teenage Cat: *sigh* you are sooooo dying alone 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: you think I don't know that? 

**GROUP CHAT: welcome (back) to hell**

do it for the plants: well just arrived at parents night, lets fucking do this shit 

boss bitch: Ivy I see you come say hi 

Jon Snow: I can see Bridget talking to the Waynes and Selina, why tf does it look like she's meeting Selina's parents 

firewitch: ngl it honestly feels that way, I'm sweating so much rn

kitty cat: Bruce control your parents they keep asking what Bridget's 'intentions' with me are 

on cloud9 bitches: pretty sure they don't want to know 😏

firewitch: ... Your right they do not 

crazy gingersnap: that's the spirit! 

crazy gingersnap: think big

crazy gingersnap: and kinky 😉

kitty cat: I always do 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: do you two want to be alone??

kitty cat: all the time, yes 

do it for the plants: YOU GUYS THE BRELINA FEEEEEEELS 😍😍😍😍😍

Jon Snow: Gertrud Kappelput is a fucking icon 

Jon Snow: wtf is Brelina, their ship name is Firecat you heathen 

the enigma: Firecat FTW! 

on cloud9 bitches: he ships Firecat! Ozzie don't you ever let him go 

pengy: silver i stg I will hurt you 

mad as a hatter: What did Gertrud do?

the power of God and anime: I think that's the most normal sounding thing I've seen you text 

mad as a hatter: Sometimes, one gets lazy 

Jon Snow: Right so you know Miss Falcone??

kitty cat: she's my math teacher, I fucking hate her 

boss bitch: everyone hates her she's a bitch

Jon Snow: so she's tearing into Ozzie's parents about his "abysmal performance in class" and Ozzie is getting increasingly red with anger 

pengy: that bitch freaking hates me and makes my life in math class hell 

Jon Snow: which Gertrud knows and so when Falcone is finally finished, Gertrud stands up and says "the only thing more stupid than everything you just said is the fact that you thought I would believe it" 

Jon Snow: AND THEN SHE FLIPPED HER HAIR LIKE THE FUCKING QUEEN SHE IS 

the power of God and anime: Miss Falcone is just dead ass staring at Mrs Kappelput with her jaw hanging open, I'm laughing sm 

kitty cat: Miss Mooney and Mr Zsasz look so fucking impressed 

firewitch: we stan one (1) badass queen 

do it for the plants: GUYS THE KEAN-GORDON DRAMA IS GOING DOWN AND IT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS 😂😂😂😂😂

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what's happening?

boss bitch: Barbara just told Jim "all I want to know is why you ever thought leaving me was a good idea" 

boss bitch: "I mean, I can see why I would think leaving YOU would be a good idea but the other way around? Not so much" 

do it for the plants: and then Jim says, "Barbara, you literally bought another house so you could move into it if we ever broke up. You did this WHILE we were still married" 

boss bitch: and then Barbara says "I asked for reasons, not excuses" 

do it for the the plants: that's how it started anyway, now its just dissolved it to passive aggressive yelling 

do it for the plants: Jeremiah looks so fucking mortified 

boss bitch: meanwhile, Jerome is having the time of his life

crazy gingersnap: im recording this its fucking priceless 

nerdy carrot top: Can the ground just swallow me please? 

kitty cat: bitch did that seriously just happen?!

mad as a hatter: Did what seriously just happen?!

the guy she tells you not to worry about: why are so hyped up?

mad as a hatter: I'm excited, sue me 

kitty cat: Jim was going on about Barbara driving him away and she was just like "bitch youre the one who broke up w/ me, don't cry now that you realise what you lost"

kitty cat: then she turned around right as Jim steps forward and her handbag went straight into his FACE

do it for the plants: THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE 

do it for the plants: LITERALLY EVERYWHERE

pengy: *sing song voice* drama~~~~

the enigma: You're loving this aren't you? 

pengy: aren't you? 

the enigma: Yes 

nerdy carrot top: JEROME STOP FUCKING LAUGHING, I AM TRYING TO TAKE DAD TO THE DR THOMPKINS 

crazy gingersnap: id say im sorry but

crazy gingersnap: im really not 😂😂😂

Jon Snow: where'd Babs go??

on cloud9 bitches: she's w/ me and my aunt Tabby 

on cloud9 bitches: and I'm starting to feel like a third wheel 

nerdy carrot top: Honestly, same 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: sounds to me like you guys are going to be getting some interesting step moms soon

crazy gingersnap: NAH

nerdy carrot top: We are not getting two step moms in one night

nerdy carrot top: ... Right?

mad as a hatter: *sips tea*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is terrible but I felt like I had to post SOMETHING. 
> 
> So uni has been kicking my ass this week and will most likely continue to do so into next week. I have two assignments due and I've written about 100 words for one of them so yay me!
> 
> Thank you for everyone who has been leaving kudos and commenting, it makes me so happy to know that people are enjoying what I write.
> 
> Updates will probably be irregular for a while but hopefully I'll get into a rhythm soon.
> 
> Quick question: what did you think of the private message convo? I'm thinking of including them in the story more and wanted to know what you guys think.
> 
> Up next: It's Halloween bitch.


	5. IT'S HALLOWEEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the power of God and anime: we can't just leave Jervis and Jonathan to fend for themselves! 
> 
> nerdy carrot top: Yes, we can 
> 
> kitty cat: it's called survival of the fittest 
> 
> kitty cat: or in this case, survival of the quickest to get the fuck out of here

_Jon Snow set the chat name to: it's Halloween bitches_ 🎃🎃🎃

Jon Snow: ITS HALLOWEEN TOMORROW 🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

the power of God and anime: why are you so excited about this? 

Jon Snow: IT 

Jon Snow: IS

Jon Snow: HALLOWEEN 🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

kitty cat: I think this is the most emotive i have ever seen you 

kitty cat: also stop moving so much, Mr Alzaraz keeps sending us dirty looks 

pengy: if there is anything that will get Jonathan to show emotion, it's Halloween 

crazy gingersnap: its his favourite day of the year

mad as a hatter: It is also the day, on par for our endeavours, we take on our next scary adventure! 

boss bitch: we go investigate a haunted building or some shit and scare ourselves to the point of insanity 

the enigma: Sounds cool, can I come?

pengy: YES! 

pengy: bc everyone in the group chat is invited of course 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: are you even trying to be subtle anymore? 

do it for the plants: guess who should be paying attention in class rn?

do it for the plants: Guess who is also not paying attention and is instead listening to this bop? 

do it for the plants: https://youtu.be/O6_vQQRVp_Y 

mad as a hatter: You?

do it for the plants: close

on cloud9 bitches: You and Jerome's?

crazy gingersnap: yeah howd you know??

on cloud9 bitches: you both have art class rn and you never do anything in it

the power of God and anime: why am I listening to a medieval cover of Spooky Scary Skeletons? 

kitty cat: wtf kind of shit are you listening to? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jerome and Ivy got really into medieval covers of songs over summer. It's known as a bardcore I believe 

pengy: we've had to put up with them blasting it out on the speakers every time we hung out 

nerdy carrot top: It has been hell

boss bitch: actually I quite like some of the covers

nerdy carrot top: Hell-ishly great. You didn't let me finish

firewitch: W O W 

firewitch: and here I thought you could not get any worse 

crazy gingersnap: my brother, ladies, gentlemen and esteemed bastards, the fucking SIMP

the power of God and anime: what's a simp?

nerdy carrot top: It's Jerome whenever he's around you

crazy gingersnap: get to fuck 

Jon Snow: why are we talking about the Valeskas being simps when we should be talking about HALLOWEEN???????

mad as a hatter: Where is our next spooky rendezvous?

firewitch: you know how Arkham Asylum was relocated and rebuilt and they never tore the old one down?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: the old one is where we're headed 

Jon Snow: YAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS

kitty cat: Jonathan is smiling sm, it's actually starting to scare me 

firewitch: quit scaring my girlfriend, you fucking crow 

Jon Snow: ah nice use of game of thrones lore 

firewitch: ty

the enigma: I was crucified to keep murderers out of the maze. What am I? 

on cloud9 bitches: well that was an abrupt change of topic

_the enigma changed 1 nickname_

the enigma: A scarecrow!

the scarecrow: I... Am actually very okay with this 

nerdy carrot top: So we'll meet at the old Arkham Asylum building tomorrow at 7? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: sounds good 

**Halloween - 7:13pm**

on cloud9 bitches: I'm here!

pengy: yes Silver

pengy: I'm aware that you're here

pengy: we're standing right next to each other 

the power of God and anime: why are we still texting when we can just talk to each other?

nerdy carrot top: Because the group chat is the glue that holds us together

kitty cat: Seriously?

nerdy carrot top: No, we just prefer texting over talking 

the scarecrow: You guys the full moon is our and everything, this is going to be LIT 🎃🎃🎃🎃

the scarecrow: *out 

the enigma: so what happens now? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: now we do what you should never do in a horror movie but people always end up doing anyway

the guy she tells you not to worry about: OKAY GANG, LETS SPLIT UP

pengy: Victor is Fred from Scooby Doo #confirmed

the enigma: #confirmed 

mad as a hatter: #confirmed 

crazy gingersnap: yooooooo we should totally watch scooby Doo films if we survive tonight 

firewitch: why does everything look so much scarier in the dark?

the scarecrow: you scared?

firewitch: fuck yes

kitty cat: dw babe I'll protect you

the power of God and anime: Aw

mad as a hatter: Aw ☺️

do it for the plants: AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW 😍😍😍😍

boss bitch: the three stages of shipping 

the enigma: so who's going with who?

on cloud9 bitches: Firecat, Bruce and Jerome, Ecco and Jeremiah, Ozzie and Edward, Jonathan and Jervis, and then me, Victor and Ivy 

pengy: ... Seriously? 

the scarecrow: You're kidding right?

crazy gingersnap: im gonna kill you silver

nerdy carrot top: Oh this is not good 

the enigma: Is something wrong? 

boss bitch: Do you not want to pair up with us? 

the power of God and anime: If you don't want to team up with me, I'm sure we can switch partners...

mad as a hatter: Yes, I'm sure that can be arranged 

crazy gingersnap: NO NO THAT IS NOT THE PROBELM 

pengy: ID LOVE TO BE YOUR PARTNER 

nerdy carrot top: I WAS JUST ANNOYED THAT SILVER'S TEAM GOT THREE PEOPLE 

the scarecrow: SAME 

pengy: SAME 

crazy gingersnap: SMAE 

do it for the plants: you are all fucking morons 

firewitch: understatement of the century 

kitty cat: let's just get this shit started

kitty cat: I'm fucking freezing out here 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I doubt it'll be that much warmer inside but okay 

the enigma: who's taking what area? 

on cloud9 bitches: there are three floors, so Firecat, Bruce and Jerome, Ecco and Jeremiah will take the take the left side of the building, with Firecat taking the top floor, Bruce and Jerome the second floor and then Ecco and Miah the ground floor 

do it for the plants: And then the rest of us will take the right side of the building. Jervis and Jonathan will take the third, Ozzie and Edward the second and the three of us will take ground

the enigma: sounds good 😄

mad as a hatter: Onward we go! 

**7:49pm**

the guy she tells you not to worry about: everyone doing okay? Chats been pretty quiet

crazy gingersnap: dude i shit you not there is some supernatural shit going on rn

boss bitch: there totally fucking is 

boss bitch: it's awesome 

pengy: SOMETHING JUST BRUSHED PAST ME THE FUCK?!?!?!?

the enigma: that was me Oswald 

pengy: ah 

kitty cat: idk what you guys are taking about things have been pretty quiet for me and Bridget 

kitty cat: *talking

do it for the plants: Silver is currently serenading an empty room

do it for the plants: I'm recording it this shit is too funny 😂😂

the power of God and anime: every time Jerome and I go into a room, something is falling onto the ground behind us 

the enigma: probably just the wind 

nerdy carrot top: WHAT WIND?!?!?

nerdy carrot top: THERE IS NO FUCKING WIND

boss bitch: Jeremiahs a little on edge at the moment 

the power of God and anime: I thought you didn't believe in ghosts??

nerdy carrot top: Ghosts? Of course not. Crazy axe murderers following us around, trying to pick us off one by one? Yes

the enigma: don't you think you're being a little paranoid? 

nerdy carrot top: No, no I don't 

crazy gingersnap: hey has anyone heard from Jervis or Jonathan??

firewitch: oh shit 

firewitch: Oh Shit

firewitch: OH SHIT 

nerdy carrot top: THE CRAZY AXE MURDERER GOT THEM 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: calm down, let's see if we can find them before we jump to any conclusions 

crazy gingersnap: YOU GUYS THE AXE MURDERER FOUND US 

the enigma: Oh shit, really?!

the power of God and anime: they're on our tail but we managed to find cover in an old closet

on cloud9 bitches: so the two of you are a closet? Pressed up tight against each other? 😏😏

crazy gingersnap: NOT THE FUCKING TIME 

boss bitch: where are you guys?

the power of God and anime: left side, second floor, first hallway you come across and then the seventh door down 

kitty cat: you were counting the doors? 

the power of God and anime: of course

kitty cat: fucking nerd 

boss bitch: okay we're close to you, hang in there, we're on our way 

nerdy carrot top: NO WE ARE NOT 

nerdy carrot top: I AM NOT DYING FOR JEROME 

crazy gingersnap: HEY FUCK YOU TOO BUTCH 

crazy gingersnap: *BITCH

the power of God and anime: Uh they're getting closer to where were hiding!

boss bitch: Almost there! 

crazy gingersnap: fuck it if im gonna die, i aint going down without a fight

crazy gingersnap: IM GONNA JUMP THEM 

nerdy carrot top: NO DON'T

pengy: DO NOT DO THAT 

the power of God and anime: NO JEROME PLEASE DON'T 😰😰😰😰

crazy gingersnap: USE THE DISTRACTION AND SAVE YOURSELF BRUCE 

on cloud9 bitches: NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE A DUMBASS JEROME 

boss bitch: OW 

the enigma: wait

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what just happened? 

boss bitch: JEROME JUST FUCKING DECKED ME 

boss bitch: or tried to you anyway 

crazy gingersnap: BITCH YOU JUST BROKE MY FUCKING ARM 

boss bitch: oh please it's a sprain, if that 

do it for the plants: Wait so Ecco and Miah were the ones following you? 

the power of God and anime: no way, we heard things way before they came anywhere near us 

nerdy carrot top: Yeah, we only went upstairs when Bruce said they were in danger 

on cloud9 bitches: which you woukdnt have done if Ecco hadn't made you 

crazy gingersnap: yeah wtf Miah?! 

nerdy carrot top: I'm sorry! I panicked, okay? 

do it for the plants: anyone have any luck finding Jonathan and Jervis? 

pengy: No yet, Ed and I are heading upstairs to see where they're at

the enigma: On the bright side, I'm learning so. Much about Oswald 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: oh really? 😏

pengy: Victor

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Oswald 

the enigma: Oswald?

pengy: Edward? 

do it for the plants: IVY 

crazy gingersnap: JEROME

crazy gingersnap: bitch you stole my donkey moment 

do it for the plants: sorry not sorry 😎

the enigma: uh guys I think there's someone up here with us

boss bitch: I was literally about to say the same thing 

firewitch: how many axe murderes are here?!

kitty cat: I don't know and I don't want to know

kitty cat: let's bounce 

nerdy carrot top: Let's 

the power of God and anime: we can't just leave Jervis and Jonathan to fend for themselves! 

nerdy carrot top: Yes, we can 

kitty cat: it's called survival of the fittest 

kitty cat: or in this case, survival of the quickest to get the fuck out of here 

pengy: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK 

the enigma: SOMETHINGS CHASING US 

boss bitch: SOMETHINGS CHASING US TOO

do it for the plants: SHIT LETS ALL GTFO 

the power of God and anime: WE LOST ECCO

nerdy carrot top: WE HAVE TO GO BACK 

crazy gingersnap: DUDE WELL FUCKING DIE 

nerdy carrot top: I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT HER 

crazy gingersnap: FINE 

the enigma: THEYRE GAINING ON US 

pengy: EDWARD, GET OUT OF HERE ILL FEND HIM OFF 

the enigma: OSWALD NO 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what is it with you morons and sacrificing yourselves? 

on cloud9 bitches: IF I DIE, TURN MY TWEETS INTO A BOOK

do it for the plants: even in death, you're quoting Gina Linetti

on cloud9 bitches: obvs she is an icon ❤️

pengy: COME AT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD 

the enigma: AAAAAAAAAH

nerdy carrot top: Oh you've got to be shitting me

on cloud9 bitches: what's happening?!

the scarecrow: BOO MOTHERFUCKERS

the scarecrow: gotcha didn't we? 

boss bitch: TETCH

pengy: CRANE 

nerdy carrot top: EXPLAIN YOURSELVES 

kitty cat: it was them the ENTIRE time?????

mad as a hatter: Dear Mr Crane proposed a dare, to give you all a little scare! ☺️

firewitch: ... are you fucking kidding me

the scarecrow: oh man you should've seen your faces 

mad as a hatter: We 'got you good', no?

the scarecrow: Couldn't have done it w/out you Mr Tetch

mad as a hatter: Oh but it was my pleasure Mr Crane 

pengy: I hope you both know I'm going to smother you in your sleep 

boss bitch: get in line bitch 

crazy gingersnap: HAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂😂

crazy gingersnap: guys that was awesome! 

do it for the plants: ofc you find this funny 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: well at least it has been memorable 

the scarecrow: BEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER 🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who wasted her day playing the Google Halloween game instead of working?
> 
> That's right, this fucking moron! 😂😂
> 
> I can't believe it took me five chapters to get Ed to say a riddle. *sigh* oh well! 
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed this! I have to say, it didn't go the way I originally intended but I'm pleased with how it turned out. 
> 
> Happy Halloween!!!! 🎃🎃🎃


	6. in which the legion of horribles are morons (but like, that's nothing new)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oswald: I need your opinion on something 
> 
> Victor: yes that hairstyle does make you look like a disco vampire 
> 
> Victor: but you make it work so I wouldn't change it

**12:34am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
clown boi: Jerome  
crazy plant lady: Ivy**

clown boi: hes so dreamy

crazy plant lady: I know Jerome 

clown boi: like i didnt think people could actually be dreamy but he IS

crazy plant lady: I know Jerome 

clown boi: hes so cute 

crazy plant lady: I KNOW Jerome

clown boi: especially when hes angry

crazy plant lady: when have you ever seen him angry?

clown boi: the other day Tommy Eliot was picking on a freshman and Bruce got so mad

clown boi: he sucker punched him right in the jaw

clown boi: got blood all over himself

clown boi: *sigh* it was beautiful 

crazy plant lady: hey here's a crazy idea, how bout instead of waxing poetry about billionaire boy to me, why don't you just 

crazy plant lady: go up to him

crazy plant lady: and tell him you like him??

clown boi: DONT BE RIDICULOUS 

crazy plant lady: you are making it very hard for me to have hope in my favourite ship 

clown boi: maybe but you have to admit, you love a good slow burn 

crazy plant lady: ...

crazy plant lady: fucking dammit 

**2:29am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
Blondie: Ecco  
Girl on Fire: Bridget**

Blondie: hey Bridget 

Blondie: you up?

Blondie: there's something I wanted to talk to you about

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Selina: hey saw your messages on Bridget's phone she's sleeping rn

Ecco: oh 

Ecco: right

Ecco: ofc

Selina: ...

Selina: you okay???

Ecco: yeah I just 

Ecco: I was reading through messages on the gc and I noticed one from Jeremiah...

Selina: ???

Ecco: he said he wouldn't leave without me

Ecco: like I know we weren't actually in any danger but at the time, we thought we were

Ecco: and he didn't want to leave me 

Ecco: do you think...

Ecco: do you think he likes me? 

Selina: Ecco, Ive been a part of this group chat like barely two months and even I can see that he is head over heels for you 

Ecco: Seriously?

Selina: seriously 

Selina: do you like him?

Ecco: I don't know, I've never thought about him that way 

Selina: maybe you should 

Ecco: yeah

Ecco: maybe

Ecco: thanks Selina, you're surprisingly easy to talk to

Selina: that's probably because you and I exist on a different wavelength than all these other morons 

Ecco: probably 

Ecco: anyway night

Selina: night 

**3:07am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Oswald: Victor 

Oswald: you up?

Victor: I am now

Oswald: I need your opinion on something 

Victor: yes that hairstyle does make you look like a disco vampire 

Victor: but you make it work so I wouldn't change it 

Oswald: no you idiot I need advice about Ed! 

Oswald: and disco vampire? Seriously? 

Victor: it is what it is 

Oswald: ANYWAY back to Ed

Victor: you love him? 

Victor: cuz we kinda noticed 

Oswald: would you let me speak?! 

Victor: this is a texting conversation so no 

Oswald: why do you have to be such a fucking troll?

Victor: hey I don't ask you why you have to be a disco vampire, so you don't get to ask me why I'm a troll

Oswald: UGH anyway! 

Oswald: do you think he likes me? 

Victor: well from the longing glances he sends your way, the increasing amount of riddles he asks you in which the answer is love or romance or kissing, and the dumb smile that's on his face every time he says "Oswald"...

Victor: no he doesn't like you

Oswald: really?

Victor: NO

Victor: I was being sarcastic you dumb fuck

Victor: he quite OBVIOUSLY adores you, you ignoramus 

Oswald: DONT TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT YOU PLEBEIAN 

Victor: newsflash - I do what I want 

Victor: and what I want right now is to sleep 

Oswald: fine! Goodnight! 

Victor: goodnight

Oswald: Victor?

Victor: *sigh* yes?

Oswald: thank you

Victor: no worries disco vampire 

Oswald: I'm gonna let that slide this time 

Oswald: next time I will not be so generous

Victor: Sure Jan 

**3:25am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Bruce: um hey 

Jeremiah: It is 3:26am, why are you still up?

Bruce: sleep is for the weak 

Jeremiah: Mood

Jeremiah: So how can I help you this fine morning? 

Bruce: I wanted to ask you about Jerome 

Jeremiah: ...

Jeremiah: What about him? 

Bruce: well we've been hanging out s lot recently and I've started to get the feeling that 

Jeremiah: Yes? 

Bruce: does he like me? 

Bruce: bc I get the feeling he doesn't 

Jeremiah: ... What? 

Bruce: like every time I speak he goes really quiet and when I first got added to the chat, he seemed really put off by me being in it and I don't want him to not like me so 

Bruce: does he not like me? 

Jeremiah: Bruce, let me personally assure you that Jerome does like you 

Bruce: you're sure?

Jeremiah: VERY 

Bruce: okay

Bruce: thanks Jeremiah, you're a good friend 

Jeremiah: ... I am? 

Bruce: I mean I'd say so

Jeremiah: *squints at you suspiciously*

Jeremiah: I'm too tired to fully comprehend this, goodnight 

Bruce: night 

**4:16am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
tea lover: Jervis  
latte addict: Silver**

tea lover: good morning my dear Silver! 

latte addict: it's still night but sure good morning

tea lover: I wondered if I might trouble you for some advice

latte addict: trouble away

tea lover: it's a rather delicate matter 

tea lover: and one that could put yourself and I in a rather precarious position 

latte addict: you didn't like 

latte addict: kill someone and need help hiding the body, right?

latte addict: cuz I'd say that's more Ecco and Jerome's area of expertise 

latte addict: and maybe Jeremiah 

tea lover: rest assured, no one has lost their life by my hand 

tea lover: yet 

latte addict: cool what'd you need?

tea lover: I was wondering if you'd noticed whether Jonathan cared for me in a way that was more than friends?

latte addict: ...

latte addict: what makes you say that?

tea lover: It has become apparent to me that I care for him in such a way and I was wondering if these feelings were reciprocated 

latte addict: oh he DEFINITELY reciprocates them 

latte addict: like BIG time 

tea lover: oh how delightful!

latte addict: so what you gonna do about it???

tea lover: I'm not sure yet

tea lover: but I shall keep you posted

latte addict: PLEASE do 

**4:53am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Edward: hello Ivy 

Edward: I saw your profile saying that you're active and I wanted to ask you about something 

Ivy: sure what's up?

Edward: may I be frank?

Ivy: sure if you prefer it to Ed

Edward: no that's not what I meant 

Ivy: I know I'm messing w/ you 😂

Ivy: continue 

Edward: does Oswald like me? 

Ivy: oh 

Ivy: right

Ivy: soooo I've kind of been sworn to secrecy in regards to that 

Ivy: and therefore cannot divulge that information

Ivy: but what I will say is that he definitely doesn't NOT like you 

Edward: so he DOES like me?

Ivy: I can neither confirm nor deny that 

Edward: so doesn't he like me? 

Ivy: I didn't say that

Edward: ...

Edward: okay then 

Edward: thanks I guess?

Ivy: you're welcome 

**5:33am**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
pyromaniac: Bridget  
Jon Snow: Jonathan**

pyromaniac: tell him 

Jon Snow: no

pyromaniac: tell him

Jon Snow: no 

pyromaniac: TELL HIM

Jon Snow: ffs NO

pyromaniac: why not?!

Jon Snow: bc he doesn't like me like that 

pyromaniac: but he DOOOOES 

Jon Snow: no he DOOOOESNT 

pyromaniac: Jonathan I'm not shitting you rn Jervis likes you 

Jon Snow: but what if you're wrong?

pyromaniac: I'm not 

pyromaniac: but even if I was (which I'm not) at least you'd know then wouldn't you?

Jon Snow: well yes 

Jon Snow: but what if I tell him and he doesn't feel the same way and it ruins our friendship?

pyromaniac: do you honestly think Jervis would do that to you?

Jon Snow: no but 

Jon Snow: look I'm allowed to be scared, aren't i?

pyromaniac: ofc you are but its unfounded 

pyromaniac: Jonathan please just trust me 

Jon Snow: okay

Jon Snow: I'll ask him out

pyromaniac: FUCKING FINALLY 

pyromaniac: I promise you won't regret this Jonathan 

Jon Snow: I'm already regretting this 

**7:34am  
**GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship**  
**Captain of the SS Valeyne: Ivy  
First Mate of the SS Valeyne: Selina  
Hattercrow Stan: Bridget  
Eccomiah Fangirl: Silver  
Nygmobblepot Shipper: Victor** **

****

****

Captain of the SS Valeyne: okay troops! Time to report! 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: on the Valeyne front, Jerome is as lovesick as ever

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: Bruce is just as lovesick, he's just being a moron about it

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: but dw I'm wearing him down 

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: Also Ecco has realised Jeremiah is simping for her so good news on that front 

Hattercrow Stan: JONATHAN HAS FINALLY AGREED TO ASK JERVIS OUT ASDFHKLHVDG

Hattercrow Stan: kudos to Silver for suggesting to Jonathan that he do the whole scaring thing

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: yeah howd you get him to agree to that?

Eccomiah Fangirl: oh I just said how weird it would be if one of us did that

Eccomiah Fangirl: knew he'd take the bait 

Eccomiah Fangirl: and he was going to need help so who else would go to than Jervis?

Eccomiah Fangirl: YES ECCOMIAH IS HAPPENING 

Eccomiah Fangirl: And Jervis admitted to me that he liked Jonathan!

Hattercrow Stan: AAAAAHHHH 😍😍😍😍😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️

Captain of the SS Valeyne: Ed was asking if pengy liked him

Captain of the SS Valeyne: so I'm hoping Nygmobblepot is imminent 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: Oswald was asking if Ed liked him too so more good news

Eccomiah Fangirl: you guys the ships are happening!!!! 😭😍😭😍😭

Hattercrow Stan: I KNOW 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

Nygmobblepot Shipper: oh it's all coming together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I have no idea what this is. Hope you enjoyed it at least. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone commenting and leaving kudos, you are giving me LIFE. 😊😊
> 
> And for those of you who noticed, yes that WAS a Starkid reference. 
> 
> Until next time!


	7. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nerdy carrot top: Great. Now we're overrun with Christmas lovers
> 
> pengy: are you okay Jonathan?
> 
> the scarecrow: life is pointless and nothing matters
> 
> the scarecrow: I'm great

_do it for the plants set the chat name to: GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN_

do it for the plants: GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN

the guy she tells you not to worry about: oh for fucks sake Halloween has barely passed and you're already busting out the Christmas carols? 

crazy gingersnap: LET NOTHING YOU DISMAY

boss bitch: idk what you're so surprised about, they do this every year

mad as a hatter: REMEMBER CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY

nerdy carrot top: I had held some naïve hope that this year would be different 

firewitch: TO SAVE US ALL FROM SATANS POWER WHEN WE WERE GONE ASTRAY

the scarecrow: you fool

the scarecrow: Rule 1 - never have hope for anything 

the enigma: OH TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY

pengy: oh please not you too Ed

the power of God and anime: COMFORT AND JOY

kitty cat: Bruce we are longer friends 

on cloud9 bitches: OH TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY

the enigma: just to clarify, we were singing the pentatonix cover?

on cloud9 bitches: oh hell yes, the last 20 seconds or so fucking slap 

nerdy carrot top: Great. Now we're overrun with Christmas lovers

pengy: are you okay Jonathan?

the scarecrow: life is pointless and nothing matters

the scarecrow: I'm great 

firewitch: SOME things matter

firewitch: Like LOVE

firewitch: and CONFESSIONS of love

on cloud9 bitches: subtle 

the power of God and anime: @kitty cat so you're still dating Bridget in spite of her love for Christmas but won't be friends with me bc of mine??

kitty cat: hey i don't make the rules 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: yes you do 

kitty cat: stfu Victor 

the power of God and anime: oh I see how it is 

kitty cat: well i would hope so considering it's pretty obvious how it is 

the power of God and anime: fine, I'll just find a new best friend

crazy gingersnap: I VOLUNTEER 

the power of God and anime: Jeremiah, it would seem I have a vacancy 

the enigma: ooooooh

the enigma: that's awkward

pengy: press f to pay respects

firewitch: f

boss bitch: f

on cloud9 bitches: f

the scarecrow: f

mad as a hatter: f

the guy she tells you not to worry about: f

the enigma: f

do it for the plants: and everybody sing, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, SHIT."

kitty cat: "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, FUCK." 

the power of God and anime: and you can be my bed friend too Jerome! 

the power of God and anime: *best 

on cloud9 bitches: no no go back to the first one 

the scarecrow: get rid of the 'too'

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and you got yourself a deal 

the enigma: the twins have been suspiciously quiet

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: Jerome  
Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Jeremiah**

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: SAW YOU HANGING OUT WITH BRUCE YESTERDAY

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: JEROME, IT'S- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: I WONT HESITATE BITCH 

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Jerome seriously there is nothing going on with Bruce and I 

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: you know I'm in love with Ecco

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: and even if I did think of Bruce in that way, which I don't, do you honestly think I would do that to you?

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: I know we like to pick fun at each other but you're my brother Jerome. My twin. My other half

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Do you honestly think I would do any watching to sabotage that? 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: no 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: i guess not 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: but why were you his first choice??

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Because he hasn't realised how terrible I am yet? 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: yeah that checks out

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: And he was messaging me the other day 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: WHAT WHY

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Because he was asking me about you

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: ME?!?!

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: He was worried you didn't like him because you're a dumbass who has no idea how to flirt

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: THE LEVEL OF SHADE

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: wait why was he worried i didn't like him?

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: do you think he likes me????

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: I couldn't say

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Are we good?

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: yeah were good

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: we should probs get back to the gc before they think we killed each other or some shit

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Oh I don't think they'd actually believe that 

**GROUP CHAT: GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN**

firewitch: oh my gosh Jerome's killed Miah

the scarecrow: let's face it, we all knew this day would come eventually

on cloud9 bitches: yeah but I had my money on Jeremiah killing Jerome! 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: too bad

the guy she tells you not to worry about: who won Jervis?

mad as a hatter: That would be Oswald, Ivy and yourself Victor

pengy: pay up bitches 

the power of God and anime: you guys bet on Jerome and Jeremiah killing each other? 

pengy: yes and since Jerome has killed Miah, I have won and thus want my payment 

kitty cat: how much money do you get?

do it for the plants: oh no we bet with candy

kitty cat: ... What

firewitch: yeah Victor banned us from betting with money after Jerome accidentally bought a bridal shop and he realised how stupid we were with money

boss bitch: so now we bet in candy

boss bitch: and Jervis is the one who manages all the bets bc he's the only one who remembers all the rules

the enigma: what rules?

boss bitch: exactly

on cloud9 bitches: who owes what to who jervis? 

mad as a hatter: Ecco owes two packets of Skittles to Ivy, Silver is indebted to Victor by five Mars bars and Oswald is owed ten Cadbury Oreo chocolate bars from Bridget 

kitty cat: @firewitch you bet against Ozzie?

firewitch: it seemed like a really good idea at the time!

kitty cat: oh babe

the power of God and anime: I'm sorry, are we just completely skipping over the part where Jerome accidentally bought a bridal shop? 

the scarecrow: oh yeah 

the scarecrow: that was wild

pengy: to this day, we still have no idea how it happened

the guy she tells you not to worry about: that isn't even the weirdest thing about that anecdote

do it for the plants: the weirdest thing is that Jerome actually started running the place for a few months

do it for the plants: then he started a wedding planning business to go alongside it 

on cloud9 bitches: he was really good at it too and Miah started getting involved as well

mad as a hatter: They made very good wedding planners

boss bitch: and then they had a shotgun wedding they had to plan for and so it was all hands on deck for the rest of us

firewitch: we kept helping out after that

firewitch: it was pretty fun for a while 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: but then Barbara and Jim found out and they had to sell the shop bc apparently we can't "run a wedding planning business while we're still in high school"

pengy: I'm still angry about that

pengy: we made a killing in that line of work

the scarecrow: that reminds me, who's going to tell Babs and Jim about Miah's murder?

the enigma: I volunteer Silver

on cloud9 bitches: what?! why?!

the enigma: bc your aunt is canoodling with Babs?

kitty cat: who tf says canoodling anymore?

the power of God and anime: evidently, Ed

on cloud9 bitches: well yes but that doesn't mean I'll be safe from Barbara's wrath once she finds out one of her sons were murdered

nerdy carrot top: Huh, what do you know? I stand corrected

firewitch: MIAH 

on cloud9 bitches: YOUR ALIVE 

boss bitch: which means the bet's still on bitches! 

pengy: DAMNIT JEROME 

pengy: WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE JUST KILLED HIM

nerdy carrot top: Hey! 

crazy gingersnap: please everyone knows me and Miah are going to die battling each other to death in a sword fight while we yell at each other about our ideologies on a cliff at sunset

nerdy carrot top: Honestly, how could you guys forget? 

the power of God and anime: Oh guys I'm so relieved. I didn't actually think you killed each other but I was really worried I'd come between you. I'd love for you both to be my best friends and I honestly consider everyone in this chat to be my best friend

do it for the plants: aw bruuuuuuce 😭😭❤️❤️

the enigma: I'm weirdly touched 

pengy: dork but like same

boss bitch: ^

on cloud9 bitches: ^^

mad as a hatter: I am honoured, my dear friend

the scarecrow: dude you're gonna make me cry 

the scarecrow: oh wait I don't have any emotions nvm

the enigma: ^ 

firewitch: 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ aaaaaaaaaaaw

kitty cat: yeah guess again bitch. You can't stop being my best friend you know entirely too much 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: mood

crazy gingersnap: well then

nerdy carrot top: I guess that settles it

firewitch: you know, this emotional confession from Bruce has gotten me in a certain mood

firewitch: The kind where I'd love to see other people confess their love for people in this chat 

pengy: well that's obviously very pointed but I have no idea who it's at

the scarecrow: I do 

mad as a hatter: it's pointed at me

the scarecrow: it is?

mad as a hatter: well I had hoped to do this in private, but this shall do

mad as a hatter: You see Mr Crane, it has come to my attention that you and I are on a course that elevates out status as mere friends

boss bitch: oh shit this is actually happening

mad as a hatter: and I would like to confess that I am... Delighted by the prospect

on cloud9 bitches: oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh OH MY GOSH 

mad as a hatter: As such, I'd like to recite a poem I composed 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: ofc you wrote a poem 

mad as a hatter: Adoration? I do not know. Is it adoration to look on one's face and feel glee?  
Fancy? I do know. Fancy is but passing when compared to my feelings for thee.  
Like? I do not know. Like is a term which says much but not nearly enough.  
Love? I do know. My feelings are no so strong that they could be called love.  
I know not where these feelings come from, I know not where they lead,  
What I do know is that I would very much like for you to find out with me.  
Would you?

pengy: that was... Very sweet

kitty cat: you're crying rn aren't you?

pengy: NO

crazy gingersnap: WELP this has ruined me for anyone confessing feelings for me bc that was beautiful 

nerdy carrot top: Good thing you won't have to worry about anyone confessing their love to you then

crazy gingersnap: and you won't either 

the scarecrow: Jervis... I don't know what to say

the enigma: I do 

firewitch: SAY YES YPU MORON 

the scarecrow: yes

mad as a hatter: oh how wonderful! Shall we go out tomorrow then, say at 3 for afternoon tea?

the scarecrow: sounds like a date

the power of God and anime: Yay!

the power of God and anime: Congrats guys! 🎉

firewitch: YAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 😍😍😍😍😍😭😭😭😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

on cloud9 bitches: you okay there Bridget?

firewitch: IM SO HAPPY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hattercrow has happened! One down, three to go. 
> 
> For anyone wondering, the twins nicknames are what they are for a few reasons:  
> 1\. Luke and Leia are twins and I feel like Miah would be a Star Wars nerd so he probably set the nicknames.  
> 2\. Cameron Monaghan voice acted Cal Kestis in the game Star Wars: Fallen Order, and Luke was played by Mark Hamil. Both actors played the Joker (Jerome and Jeremiah were both the Joker, don't @ me) so this is a kind of "I am a Jedi and a Joker, like Mark Hamil before me" type thing.  
> 3\. I'm a Star Wars nerd, okay, sue me. Also the REAL MVP of the Star Wars universe was R2D2 and no you cannot change my mind. 
> 
> Well I hope you enjoyed it! Please kudos and comment if you liked it. 
> 
> By the looks of things updates are going to be weekly so see you next week!


	8. Ships, Step Moms, Zsalvarez, and Fights (Oh My!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boss bitch: JEROME WTF 
> 
> boss bitch: WHAT DID YOU DO 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: WHY DO YOU IMMEDIATELY ASSUME IT WAS MY FAULT
> 
> the enigma: experience probably

kitty cat: guys! guys!

pengy: what what

kitty cat: Victor is showing emotion?

kitty cat: we're in history and he's like... Actually smiling? Tf?

the enigma: no fucking way

kitty cat: I shit you not man he's... Happy

kitty cat: _kitty cat sent a photo_

the power of God and anime: oh my gosh he's beaming?!

the enigma: well it's official 

the enigma: I've seen everything now

firewitch: this is unprecedented 

on cloud9 bitches: I don't think I've ever seen Victor this happy 

boss bitch: unless it's about Nora

nerdy carrot top: Oh of course

pengy: ah makes sense now

the power of God and anime: what does?

crazy gingersnap: IS NORA VISITING!?!?!?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: YES 😄😄😄😄😄

do it for the plants: omg I can't wait! 

on cloud9 bitches: when is she coming?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: she arrives at 17:30 and is staying for five days

mad as a hatter: to see her shall be a rare treat, it has been so long so we did last meet 

kitty cat: who's nora?

the scarecrow: Victor's gf 

the scarecrow: she transferred schools last year but they decided to keep dating

boss bitch: she's genuinely the only person chill enough to date Victor 

do it for the plants: honestly the woman has the patience of a saint 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: or an Angel 

pengy: FYI victors totally smitten with her so he will spend a lot of time this week going on about how wonderful she is 

the power of God and anime: she sounds lovely!

the enigma: do we get to meet her 

on cloud9 bitches: she'll probably be introduced to you at some point but Victor likes limiting our interactions w/ her bc apparently "she's too pure for the filth that you maniacs display on a regular basis"

nerdy carrot top: I'd be offended if it wasn't so true 

crazy gingersnap: WHY DID PEOPLE INVENT PE

pengy: to torture students in a way that was still in keeping with the law, duh 

the power of God and anime: it'll be alright Jerome, just another mile and you can rest

crazy gingersnap: easy for you to say your insides arent dying 

boss bitch: it'll be fine, you can get through this

the enigma: you guys are in the same PE class?

boss bitch: yeah, Bruce and I spend the majority of it trying to convince Jerome to participate 

boss bitch: we're very rarely successful 

the power of God and anime: Jerome and I are actually in a lot of the same classes together and we always end up sitting together 

the power of God and anime: so much so that its weird when we're not together 

the enigma: reeeeeeeally?

kitty cat: good to know

kitty cat: good

kitty cat: to

kitty cat: know

pengy: um

pengy: idkhow but that was strangely ominous 

do it for the plants: oh I love that band! 

pengy: what band?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: WE'RE TAKING OVER THE WORLD

do it for the plants: ONE KISS AT A TIIIIIME

on cloud9 bitches: AND THEN IM TAKING YOURE GIIIIIIIIIIIRL AND IM MAKING HER MINE

the guy she tells you not to worry about: NO REASON WHY 

crazy gingersnap: IM ONLY DOING ANYTHING I WANT TO DO BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME 

boss bitch: wtf was that?

the power of God and anime: Do It All The Time by IDK HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME 

the power God and anime: and yes; that is their band name

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Howd you know about them?

the power of God and anime: Jerome introduced them to me

firewitch: REEEEEEEEEEALLY

crazy gingersnap: stfu witch

kitty cat: hey that's my gf you're talking to

crazy gingersnap: IM aware 

the enigma: yeah what with you guys playing tonsil tennis every opportunity you get 

kitty cat: jealous?

the enigma: not jealous, more disheartened by the constant reminder of how single I am 

mad as a hatter: I have a solution for that 

pengy: shut your damn whore mouth Tetch 

the scarecrow: hey that's my bf you're talking to 

the enigma: aaaand there's the other reminder 

firewitch: YES JONNY JUMP TO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S DEFENCE 

the scarecrow: why do you have to make everything so weird 

firewitch: bc that's who I am as a person 

boss bitch: JEROME WTF 

boss bitch: WHAT DID YOU DO 

crazy gingersnap: WHY DO YOU IMMEDIATELY ASSUME IT WAS MY FAULT

the enigma: experience probably 

pengy: what happened?

crazy gingersnap: so i may or may not have a broken nose 

nerdy carrot top: WHAT HOW WHY?!?!

crazy gingersnap: bc Tommy Eliot was being a little bitch that's why 

nerdy carrot top: I'm going to fucking end him 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jerome- 7, Jeremiah - 6

the scarecrow: afraid we're gonna need some more explanation than that 

the power of God and anime: Tommy was mad I broke his nose the other day and was trying to pick a fight

the power of God and anime: Jerome ended it very quickly 

the power of God and anime: you shouldn't have done that Jerome, I didn't want you getting hurt for me 😰

crazy gingersnap: eh no sweat, at least now i get out of PE and i got to deck tommy eliot 

crazy gingersnap: Mr Zsasz is taking me to Doc Thompkins 

boss bitch: aaaaand Bruce is going with him 

the power of God and anime: someone has to make sure he's okay! 

do it for the plants: *incoherent screeching* 

crazy gingersnap: now we're with Dr Thompkins 

crazy gingersnap: FYI Miah I approve of her as our stepmom 

nerdy carrot top: Yes, she does seem to have a number of admirable attributes

crazy gingersnap: oh no i like her bc she gave me a sour apple lollipop

nerdy carrot top: ... Of course that's what makes you like her 

crazy gingersnap: hey my standards may be low but my maintenance is not

crazy gingersnap: the REAL test will be if she can handle me on a sugar high at 3am 

kitty cat: is that how you guys evaluate your step moms?

nerdy carrot top: That's Phase 1. Phase 2 is seeing whether they can handle me in a sleep deprived and coffee fuelled state. 

crazy gingersnap: phase 3 is seeing how they handle my dumbassery and Miah's paranoia in a crisis 

nerdy carrot top: And if they pass that, they're in 

on cloud9 bitches: has my aunt Tabby passed?

boss bitch: that's still to be determined 

on cloud9 bitches: interesting how you know that 😏😉

pengy: Dudes I shit you not, Alzaraz and Zsasz are totally fucking 

the scarecrow: well that was an abrupt change of topic

on cloud9 bitches: hey you're quoting me! ☺️

the scarecrow: I mean it's a pretty common thing for people to say

mad as a hatter: shh my love, let her have this 

firewitch: *chokes on saliva* "MY LOVE" I CANT 

the enigma: oh yeah Zsasz and Alzarez are totally fucking

the guy she tells you not to worry about: oh yeah, I was in PE last period and Alvarez "just happened" to stop by even though he's an English teacher 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and there was some serious eye sex going on 

pengy: Zsasz "just so happened" to be passing by our classroom on his way back to PE and now they're fucking doing it 

kitty cat: wait seriously 

the enigma: he means doing it as in eye sex

mad as a hatter: yes it is very prevalent in the way they are staring at each other

boss bitch: and now I ship Zsalvarez 

the enigma: should we like

the enigma: leave them alone?

the enigma: bc this is getting uncomfortable 

mad as a hatter: best just to leave them to it, methinks

the guy she tells you not to worry about: yeah it'll be lunchtime soon anyway so 

kitty cat: can't wait for my bacon and chicken wrap ❤️❤️

do it for the plants: lucky you, I have to bring my food in 

the enigma: why?

do it for the plants: there's never anything vegan on the menu

the power of God and anime: really? I'll text my parents, get them to demand a few vegan options

do it for the plants: wait seriously? Thanks Bruce 😄

boss bitch: wow we have a friend who can just... Text their parents and get them to change stuff in school

boss bitch: why have we not capitalised on this?

pengy: probably because we didn't realise we could 

mad as a hatter: the lunch bell hath rung, Caesar salad here I come! 

the scarecrow: coffeeeeeeeeeeee

nerdy carrot top: I'll catch you guys up later, I left my books for chemistry in my locker 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: already here and have claimed our table 

kitty cat: my man vicky f 

dot it for the plants: always got our backs 

the enigma: Oswald, Jervis and I are on our way 

pengy: got caught up in the lunchtime rush like a bunch of fools 

firewitch: rest of us are here except Jerome and Bruce

the power of God and anime: we're staying with doc Thompkins bc she's worried about his nose

crazy gingersnap: Bruce snuck out to get us lunch

crazy gingersnap: you don't have to stay w/ me if you don't want to you know 

the power of God and anime: oh

the power of God and anime: do you not want me to?

crazy gingersnap: I didn't say that!

crazy gingersnap: just if you wanted to spend lunch w/ everyone else, id get it 

the power of God and anime: you got in a fight for me Jerome, I'm staying here 

do it for the plants: *more incoherent screeching* 

the scarecrow: got your Caesar salad babe

mad as a hatter: marry me 

firewitch: HATTERCROW WEDDING?! ASDFGHJKL

the guy she tells you not to worry about: now look what you've done 

boss bitch: WHEN WILL YOU LEARN, WHEN WILL YOU LEARN 

on cloud9 bitches: THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?!

pengy: YOU GUYS THERE IS A FIGHT GOING ON 

kitty cat: ooooh bitch where?

mad as a hatter: outdoor basketball court

on cloud9 bitches: on our way 

boss bitch: do you know who it's between

pengy: kinda hard to see, were pushing our way through people

mad as a hatter: I think one of the participants is Tommy Eliot

mad as a hatter: he is not faring well

the power of God and anime: who's the other guy?

mad as a hatter: almost there 

the enigma: OH MY GOSH JEREMIAH IS TOTALLY KICKING TOMMY'S ASS

crazy gingersnap: WHAT 

the enigma: JEREMIAH WTF

pengy: omg this is priceless

pengy: I'm recording it

pengy: GET HIM MIAH 

boss bitch: JEREMIAH WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

the guy she tells you not to worry about: sigh

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and here I was thinking this day would be chill

do it for the plants: you should know by now, we are always going to get in trouble if left unsupervised 

kitty cat: we're here

kitty cat: wow Jeremiah's really just going for it huh?

mad as a hatter: I had no idea he was capable of this

do it for the plants: is it bad that I think it's a good look for him?

firewitch: hey I'm gay and in a relationship but if I wasn't, oooooh boy would Miah be getting a lot of my attention rn 

crazy gingersnap: OZZIE SEND THE RECORDING 

pengy: done

the power of God and anime: oh my gosh somebody stop him, he's going to murder Tommy

crazy gingersnap: looks like

crazy gingersnap: *sniffs* im so proud 

the scarecrow: remind me never to get on Miah's bad side again 

on cloud9 bitches: you've been awfully quiet Ecco 

boss bitch: just... Enjoying the view 

on cloud9 bitches: oh really?! 😉😏

the guy she tells you not to worry about: guess I gotta be the responsible adult 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: again

firewitch: and now Victor is pulling Miah away 

the power of God and anime: thank god for Victor then 

pengy: VICTOR WHY 

pengy: THIS WAS THE MOST EXCITING THING TO HAPPEN AT THIS SCHOOL SINCE

pengy: uh

pengy: since the last thing we did I guess

pengy: huh we contribute a lot to the chaos around here 

the enigma: you're seriously just realising that? Dude

nerdy carrot top: Apologies you all had to see that

nerdy carrot top: Thanks for pulling me away Victor, I'm not sure what happened

the scarecrow: uh, what happened is you kicked tommy eliots ass and it was fucking glorious 

crazy gingersnap: did you do that for me?! 

nerdy carrot top: He broke your fucking nose, I had to do something 

crazy gingersnap: aaaaaw broski ❤️❤️

firewitch: Jerome - 7, Jeremiah - 7

kitty cat: okay seriously what is that 

do it for plants: anytime the twins do something nice for each other, we mark it down 

boss bitch: we reset it every summer, otherwise it would be way too much to keep track of

on cloud9 bitches: yeah they like to pretend they hate each other so we like to throw their lies back in their face

nerdy carrot top: We're both right here you know

mad as a hatter: oh we know

the scarecrow: we just don't care

crazy gingersnap: lmao mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Updating a day early? It's more likely than you think.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this! As always, please kudos and comment and thank you to everyone who does. ❤️
> 
> Also, if anyone recognised IDK HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME, you guys are awesome. And to those who haven't, check them out, they're very good. 
> 
> This chapter is... Soft. Particularly for the Valeskas because in my world, they love and protect each other like brothers SHOULD. 
> 
> Just... Ugh them being nice to one another makes me so fucking soft. 
> 
> Thank you again, and see you next week! 😊


	9. mr dent be giving het guys the Big Gay and lesbian girls the Big Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pengy: np it's what I'm here for 
> 
> the power of God and anime: you're here to traumatise your friends?
> 
> pengy: you aren't?

pengy: sup sluts 

pengy: who's going to Tommy Eliot's party tonight?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: please don't tell me we're going back to the days when you used slut as a term of endearment 

the scarecrow: you know, until this moment I had thought I had erased that time from my brain 

the scarecrow: now I realise I was just repressing it for the sake of my sanity 

the scarecrow: and you've just made it come back so thanks for that Oswald 

pengy: np it's what I'm here for 

the power of God and anime: you're here to traumatise your friends?

pengy: you aren't?

the enigma: would we even be allowed into the party? I thought Tommy Eliot hated all our guts

pengy: he does but we're so popular and well liked that he can't afford not to invite us 

mad as a hatter: or at least Oswald, Victor and Silver are and since we're friends with them, we get in by association 

boss bitch: I heard Kristen Kringle's going

kitty cat: who tf is Kristen Kringle?

crazy gingersnap: redhead glasses girl who's always in the library 

kitty cat: oh I'm never in the library, explains why I have no idea who she is 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: to answer your question, Nora and I will be attending 

the enigma: oh I'm definitely coming then 

the enigma: I wanna meet Nora 

the power of God and anime: same 

mad as a hatter: I think we're all going 

boss bitch: did Mr Dent somehow get cuter over summer?

nerdy carrot top: Oh for sure

do it for the plants: I have no idea how but he did 

kitty cat: damn is Mr Dent fiiiine

firewitch: that hairstyle he has though ugh 😍

the power of God and anime: wait, do you guys have weird crushes on him too?

pengy: oml yes

the enigma: I have no idea why but yes

crazy gingersnap: like if i had to fuck a teacher, id want it to be mr dent 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: bitch me too and I'm straight 

on cloud9 bitches: bitch me too and I'm gay 

the scarecrow: mr dent be giving het guys the Big Gay and lesbian girls the Big Straight

mad as a hatter: I'm now slightly in awe of his power 

pengy: when he starts talking about the changes to the judicial system tho

mad as a hatter: I do not know how but he makes history sound sexy 

do it for the plants: dat cute smile of his uuuuuuuuugh 😍😍😍

boss bitch: _boss bitch sent a photo_

boss bitch: you're welcome you thirsty bitches 

nerdy carrot top: That hairstyle makes me want to do things to him 

boss bitch: same 

the enigma: same 

the power of God and anime: same 

the scarecrow: we get it, we're all a bunch of horny bastards 

crazy gingersnap: NOW 

mad as a hatter: Onto Eliot's party

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what are you three up to?

crazy gingersnap: something that is going to knock your socks off

mad as a hatter: we want to keep it a big surprise, so we'll let you all see it with your own eyes

the scarecrow: relax, it's relatively harmless 

the power of God and anime: not loving the 'relatively' 

on cloud9 bitches: ofc none of this will matter if your dad doesn't let you go Jonny 

the scarecrow: oh fuck I forgot about that 

kitty cat: just sneak out, a little teenage rebellion never hurt anyone 

do it for the plants: but that would break mr crane's heart 

kitty cat: so? I thought he was a prick 

nerdy carrot top: He is and he isn't 

the scarecrow: basically he's really overprotective of me and that leads to him be unbearable and controlling

the scarecrow: he's annoying but he means well

boss bitch: hence why he is and isn't a prick 

the scarecrow: and if I sneak out to Eliot's party, he'll think im dating him or smth 

the power of God and anime: does he not know you're dating Jervis? 

firewitch: fuck no then he'd get a million times worse

the enigma: is he homophobic?

mad as a hatter: no, the problem wouldn't be that Jonathan is dating a guy, the problem would be Jonathan is dating 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: he doesn't want his little boy to be all grown up 

the scarecrow: I think he's harbouring the belief that I'm still six 

the power of God and anime: just say you're going to Victor's to study then, he's the most responsible person in this group so your dad probably won't worry about you as much 

crazy gingersnap: damn brucie and here i was thinking you were a goodie two shoes 

the power of God and anime: must be your horrible influencing corrupting me 😉

do it for the plants: Jerome is turning bright red rn and so am I ASDFGHJKL- 

the scarecrow: good idea Bruce 

the enigma: so we'll all meet at eliots at 7? 

on cloud9 bitches: yup

 **9:27pm**

do it for the plants: yo this party is lit 

do it for the plants: like Tommy Eliot is a douche but at least he knows how to throw a party 

the power of God and anime: Nora is the nicest person to have ever existed 

the power of God and anime: no one could possibly hope to measure up to her niceness

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I know isn't she great? 

kitty cat: it's like a unicorn and a rainbow had a baby and it's her 

pengy: has anyone seen Ed? I can't find him anywhere 

on cloud9 bitches: missing the love of your life are we? 😏😏

pengy: off is the direction in which I'd like you to fuck 

firewitch: I'm stealing that 

firewitch: babe it's our song! 

kitty cat: we have a song?

the power of God and anime: you have a song 

do it for the plants: and apparently it's "hot as hell" by dua lipa

kitty cat: since when was this our song?

firewitch: since I decided it was 

kitty cat: fair enough

the guy she tells you not to worry about: speaking of missing people, where are the j squad?

on cloud9 bitches: now that you mention it I can't Ecco or Miah anywhere

pengy: they're fucking, I'm calling it 

on cloud9 bitches: God I hope so 

the power of God and anime: hate to burst your bubble but they're in the kitchen 

nerdy carrot top: What are you guys talking about? My phone's going crazy 

kitty cat: apparently you guys are doing it

boss bitch: Jeremiah, why didn't you tell me? I would have put my phone down 

the power of God and anime: is that a blush I see creeping up your face Miah? 

nerdy carrot top: It is very warm in the kitchen! 

boss bitch: we're both in it so obviously

pengy: ...

do it for the plants: ...

the guy she tells you not to worry about: ...

on cloud9 bitches: well this is a new development 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Selina: you are aware of how flirty that sounded, correct?

Ecco: yes

Ecco: after our conversation I had some time to think and I've realised I like Miah too

Ecco: so I'm flirting 

Selina: Noice 

**GROUP CHAT: GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN**

pengy: seriously where's ed tho?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: we should probably find the guys before they set fire to something 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: fan out people! 

firewitch: time to stop the boys from being dumbasses

firewitch: again 

do it for the plants: well I haven't found the guys, but I did find out that Myrtle Jenkins is crushing hard on Kristen 

pengy: please I knew that last week 

the power of God and anime: how?

pengy: a magician never reveals his secrets

nerdy carrot top: You sound like Jerome

pengy: dear god, what has my life become?

boss bitch: the more we search for the J Squad and don't find them, the more concerned I become

on cloud9 bitches: yeah they're never this silent for this long

kitty cat: I think I found them 

kitty cat: or at least found evidence of them 

firewitch: ???

kitty cat: look outside

the power of God and anime: no

do it for the plants: fucking

on cloud9 bitches: way

crazy gingersnap: SURPRISE

the guy she tells you not to worry about: You guys are dead

the scarecrow: aw don't be like that Fries

the scarecrow: you have to admit, this is pretty good 

on cloud9 bitches: did you guys seriously spend the night uninstalling all of Tommy Eliot's sinks

mad as a hatter: YEP 

boss bitch: and now you're standing outside waving them at him... Why?

crazy gingersnap: BC BRAGGING RIGHTS BITCH

crazy gingersnap: also we've been drinking and my judgment is already very poor without alcohol fucking things up even more

nerdy carrot top: Isn't that that the fucking truth?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you guys are grounded

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you guys are grounded so hard, Gravity is getting jealous 

the scarecrow: ugh that's such a dad joke 

crazy gingersnap: hey where's ed? 

the power of God and anime: shit we were supposed to help Oswald find him 

pengy: no need

pengy: I know where he is 

boss bitch: great where was he?

pengy: making out with Kristen Kringle in the bathroom

nerdy carrot top: Oh 

firewitch: fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT WORRY PEOPLE, NYGMOBBLEPOT IS ENDGAME.
> 
> I've just got to stir the pot first because I'm evil. 😏😈😂
> 
> Also IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. 
> 
> I'm pleased to tell you all that I will be writing a Gotham Christmas fic! I'm still writing the first chapter, but I should be posting it by 1st December so check that out then! 
> 
> Unfortunately, this will mean that this fic might get... Neglected. I'm not abandoning it! And I still intend to update it regularly but my priority will be the Christmas fic because that is more time sensitive. But don't worry, because I am definitely not done with this fic. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and leaving kudos and comments. They motivate me so much. ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> Up next: the fallout. 
> 
> And here's the blurb for my upcoming fic: 
> 
> _You are cordially invited to take part in the Batcave Complex Secret Santa, which will take place after a week of Committee run festivities including the Unveiling of the Tree, the Jingle Ball Christmas Party and the Secret Santa Reveal Extravaganza! If you wish to take part, let the Committee Presidents - Barbara Kean and Oswald Cobblepot - know by no later than 12pm on 3rd December._
> 
> _Merry Christmas!_
> 
> I hope you'll read it and enjoy this feel good Christmas fic with me!


	10. the seventh circle of hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selina: stfu Jonathan 
> 
> Silver: no one asked for your opinion 
> 
> Jerome: DOTH MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? 
> 
> Bridget: did you two just agree on something? 
> 
> Ivy: THE END IS NIGH

**GROUP CHAT**

_Jerome created a group_

_Jerome added 11 people to the group_

_Jerome set the chat name to: well this fucking sucks_

Jerome: hey Ozzie, we were wanting to see how you were doing but obvs could not ask in main chat 

Jerome: so here we fucking are

Victor: how are you doing? 

Oswald: I'm fine

Oswald: why wouldn't I be?

Oswald: it's not as if the guy I really like is dating someone else

Oswald: OH WAIT 

Victor: yeah in hindsight that was not my best conversation starter

Oswald: it's fine, I'm just 

Oswald: Sad 

Victor: I get that

Victor: wanna talk about it? 

Oswald: not really

Oswald: but thanks

Victor: anytime

Ivy: we're all here for you Oswald, whatever you need

Silver: yeah xxx

Oswald: idek why I'm upset 

Oswald: it's not as if we were dating or anything 

Jeremiah: You like him though and it can't be easy seeing him with someone else 

Selina: this reminds of that Shakespeare quote

Victor: you've read Shakespeare? 

Selina: yes

Selina: obviously not of my own free will

Selina: Bruce forced me to read it for class 

Bruce: you can't just skive the entire four years Selina 

Selina: watch me 

Selina: anyway it's "it's better to have love and lost than to not have it at all" or smth like that

Jervis: that's Alfred Tennyson actually 

Jervis: it gets accredited to the Bard all the time but it was actually of Tennyson's creation

Jonathan: what does this have to do with Oswald?

Selina: idk it just reminded me of it

Ivy: you are all fucking useless right now

Ivy: out friend is in need of comfort! 

Ivy: HAVE SOME FUCKING SYMPATHY 

Silver: do you want us to come over Oz?

Silver: we could watch trashy reality TV

Bridget: Remember when we used do that every two weeks

Jeremiah: Yeah, good times

Jonathan: Oooh we could watch MasterChef

Jonathan: that always cheers you up

Ecco: do you know how long it's been since I've watched Gordon Ramsey yell at someone?

Ecco: too long

Bruce: so we're all heading to Ozzie's? 

Jerome: uh, idk if all of us should go 

Jerome: ed might feel left out and he's our friend too

Selina: true true 

Jeremiah: How about this, half of us go to Ozzie's and the other half plan something with Ed?

Victor: sounds good

Oswald: I don't want to split the group up

Jervis: you're not 

Jonathan: I mean, he kind of is

Selina: stfu Jonathan 

Silver: no one asked for your opinion 

Jerome: DOTH MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? 

Bridget: did you two just agree on something? 

Ivy: THE END IS NIGH

Selina: stop being so fucking dramatic 

Ivy: NEVER 

Victor: so who's going with who? 

Bridget: I live with Ozzie so I'll just stay here

Selina: I'll come over 

Jeremiah: I can come too

Ecco: I'll go with you then 

Jervis: and I as well! 

Jonathan: guess I'll go to Ozzie's then 

Silver: wait no I want to! 

Jonathan: then come as well 

Silver: but then it's not split as evenly as possible

Victor: there's 13 of us, it wouldn't be an even split no matter what we do

Silver: yes, but we could have had 6 with one group and 7 with the other 

Silver: now it's 5-8 

Selina: who fucking cares?

Silver: stfu Selina 

Bruce: good to see everything is right with the world once more 

Jonathan: ugh if it means that much to you, I'll go with the others then 

Silver: it does! 

Silver: thank you 

Oswald: but then you and Jervis are going to kefferent things

Oswald: *different 

Victor: autocorrect strikes again 

Jonathan: we're not attached at the hip

Jervis: indeed we are not

Selina: could have fooled me 

Bridget: what are you guys going to do then? 

Jerome: LASER TAG

Ivy: FUCK YES 

Victor: well that settles that

Bridget: hey Ed's messaging the main chat, we should reply

Oswald: yeah

Oswald: thanks for this guys 

Ecco: anytime 

**GROUP CHAT: GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN**

the enigma: what's everyone up to today?

the enigma: guys?

the enigma: anyone there?

do it for the plants: WE ARE GOING TO LASER TAG BITCHES

crazy gingersnap: HELL FUCKING YES 

the enigma: well that's unexpected 

the power of God and anime: you up for it?

the enigma: sure, are we all just meeting up there?

boss bitch: no

firewitch: we're just chilling at my house watching MasterChef

nerdy carrot top: So enjoy laser tag

the enigma: oh why?

on cloud9 bitches: don't feel up to it

the guy she tells you not to worry about: so you, me, Ivy, Jerome, Jonathan and Bruce are going to laser tag

pengy: everyone else is coming to ours

the enigma: oh

the enigma: tpyoure not coming?

pengy: nah I'm good

the enigma: okay I'll miss you 

the enigma: and everyone else 

kitty cat: stop giving us all these mixed messages 

the enigma: what's?

kitty cat: nothing

on cloud9 bitches: subtle 

kitty cat: again, stfu silver 

crazy gingersnap: I still can't believe that Jonathan And Jervy are willingly spending time apart

the power of God and anime: ikr? It's so weird 

the scarecrow: we're not that bad 

nerdy carrot top: You kind of are though 

mad as a hatter: yes, upon reflection, I must conclude we spend an awful lot of time together 

the scarecrow: what?

the scarecrow: Jervis, you can't agree with them!

the scarecrow: you're supposed to be on my side! 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: to answer your question ed, I'm taking Jerome and Bruce there, and Ivy is picking up Jonathan 

do it for the plants: wanna a lift?

the enigma: please

do it for the plants: I got you 

firewitch: everyone is here for MasterChef 

pengy: can't believe I forget how savage Gordon Ramsey is 

on cloud9 bitches: genuine icon

nerdy carrot top: I aspire to have his level of savagery one day 

crazy gingersnap: never gonna happen but it's good to have dreams 

the enigma: so we're at laser tag and I'm just wondering 

the enigma: why did no one tell me Ivy was a fucking pro at this

the power of God and anime: she literally just decimated half of the other time wtf

crazy gingersnap: *sniffles proudly* that's my girl 

the power of God and anime: oh 

the power of Gid and anime: I didn't realise you were dating 

crazy gingersnap: FUCK WERE NOT 

do it for the plants: hurtful 

do it for the plants: but yeah, we're not 

the scarecrow: he meant it in more of a 'yes you go girl' kind of way rather than 'that's my wife' 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: that's your wife?

mad as a hatter: yep

kitty cat: so proud 

pengy: ah vine what would we do without you?

firewitch: cry indefinitely 

the enigma: thinking out loud here but Jerome and Ivy would make one hell of a chaotic power couple 

crazy gingersnap: oh totally 

do it for the plants: for sure 

boss bitch: in another life, they're the King and queen of Gotham's underworld 

kitty cat: why underworld?

boss bitch: do you really think a take over staged by them wouldn't be nefarious in some way or another?

kitty cat: point

do it for the plants: but as we say, this is another world

nerdy carrot top: In this world, she's obviously far too good for Jerome 

do it for the plants: aw thanks Miah 

crazy gingersnap: hey fuck you 

nerdy carrot top: Again, no thanks 

nerdy carrot top: That'd be like fucking you 

the enigma: I've said it before but I'll say it again, what the fuck even is this chat?

pengy: the seventh circle of hell probably 

pengy: but hey at least we're all in it together

the guys she tells you not to worry about: now Jerome, Ivy and Bruce are saying Were Al In This Together from HSM so thanks for that Ozzie 

pengy: no worries 

boss bitch: how are you guys texting and playing laser tag at the same time?

kitty cat: now that I think about it, that sounds very difficult 

the power of God and anime: you underestimate my power

the enigma: I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND ANAKIN 

the power of God and anime: I HATE YOU 

nerdy carrot top: YOU WERE MY BROTHER ANAKIN

the scarecrow: I LOVED YOU 

the enigma: IT WAS SAID YOU WOULD DEFEAT THE SITH, NOT JOIN THEM 

on cloud9 bitches: fuck we're overrun with nerds 

firewitch: bold of you to assume we're not all nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: promises not to abandon this fic
> 
> Also me: doesn't update for two weeks 
> 
> IM SORRY. 
> 
> In my defence, I have been very busy. Uni is stressful and work is also stressful and I've been writing my Christmas fic so (please check it out, it's fun, if I do say so myself). 
> 
> I don't know when I'll update next but once the Christmas fic is done, this shall be my main focus again. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this fic. Xxx


	11. Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animals!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> firewitch: I'm in 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: didn't realise you were a hacker from the 90s Bridget

on cloud9 bitches: it's Christmas time!

on cloud9 bitches: so you know what that means 

boss bitch: secret santa?

on cloud9 bitches: SECRET SANTA 

pengy: oh fuck yes 

pengy: watch me put you losers to shame with your gifts like I do every fucking year 

the power of God and anime: how did you manage to make Secret Santa - a holiday tradition that is supposed to be lighthearted and fun - so vicious and competitive?

pengy: you have your talents and I have mine 

the guy she tells you not to worry about it: I'm assuming everyone in the group wants to participate?

the guy she tells not to worry about: if not, don't feel obliged to

on cloud9 bitches: think it's fairly obvious Oz and I are in 

the power of God and anime: me too, I love a Secret Santa

kitty cat: sure why not

boss bitch: ^

nerdy carrot top: ^^

firewitch: I'm in 

crazy gingersnap: didn't realise you were a hacker from the 90s Bridget 

crazy gingersnap: also im down for secret Santa 

the enigma: sounds fun

do it for the plants: ^

the scarecrow: me and Jervjs are doing it 

firewitch: OH REALLY?! 😉😉😏😏

the scarecrow: *prolonged sigh* 

the enigma: given that the context of this is you and Jervis having sex, I'm not sure 'prolonged sigh' was the best thing you could have said in response 

crazy gingersnap: no it's just the only thing he can think of during sexy times 😉😂

mad as a hatter: *Jervis and I 

the scarecrow: really that's all you have to contribute to this? 

boss bitch: is it all he contributes in bed? 

on cloud9 bitches: now I'm imagining Jervjs correcting people's grammar as foreplay for him and Jonathan 

on cloud9 bitches: why would you do this to me Ecco?

nerdy carrot top: I think the better question is, why the fuck are you imagining that? 

kitty cat: @crazy gingersnap why tf are you saying sexy times?

kitty cat: just say sex

crazy gingersnap: 1) that is a reference to B99, which you should know you fucking uncultured swine 

crazy gingersnap: 2) *gasp* MOOOOM SELINA'S TALKING ABOUT SEX 

nerdy carrot top: Did anyone else read that in the voice of Candace from Phineas and Ferb? 

do it for the plants: oh good I thought it was just me 

kitty cat: why tf would Babs care I was talking about sex? 

kitty cat: she's not even in this chat

pengy: he's not talking about Babs 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: he's talking about me 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: for the last time, I am no one's mother

the scarecrow: okay mom

on cloud9 bitches: whatever you say

the guy she tells you not worry about: I hate all of you

boss bitch: And we love you too

the guy she tells you not to worry about: if everyone's doing secret Santa, I'll just put the names in a hat and we can choose them at lunchtime 

the power of God and anime: sounds good

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Bruce: I need your help

Jeremiah: What's up?

Bruce: I got Jerome for Secret Santa

Bruce: and I have no idea what to get him

Jeremiah: Sounds like a you problem to me

Bruce: seriously?

Jeremiah: Kidding

Jeremiah: He likes hard candy lollipops, the colour red, Star Wars, Game of Thrones,   
P!ATD, Dragons and Marvel 

Jeremiah: Big fan of Loki in particular 

Jeremiah: He also really likes getting socks for some bizarre reason 

Bruce: tysm 

Jeremiah: Not so fast

Jeremiah: I need help too

Jeremiah: I got Selina 

Bruce: oh okay

Bruce: she likes cats, leather jackets, the colour black, money, gift cards and smoothies

Bruce: I say that last one because maybe you could get her a gift card for that smoothie place down town 

Jeremiah: Duly noted 

Jeremiah: Thank you

Bruce: np

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
King of Gotham: Oswald  
crazy clown im friends with: Jerome**

crazy clown im friends with: OZZIE I MEED YOUR HELP 

crazy clown im friends with: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY 

crazy clown im friends with: DEFCON 5 

crazy clown im friends with: VV IMPORTNTA 

crazy clown im friends with: HELP 

crazy clown im friends with: ME 

King of Gotham: you are such a moron 

King of Gotham: what? 

crazy clown im friends with: I got Victor for secret Santa 

crazy clown im friends with: what should I get him?

King of Gotham: this is what you're freaking out about?

King of Gotham: Victor will be happy with whatever you get him

crazy clown im friends with: I don't want him to just be HAPPY w/ it

crazy clown im friends with: I want him to love my present more than any other present he will ever get

crazy clown im friends with: I want my present to to be so good it makes all other presents look at themselves and WEEP 

King of Gotham: Jerome 

King of Gotham: We've been friends for 2 years now 

King of Gotham: But this is the first time anything you've said as actually been of importance 

King of Gotham: Meet me at the mall in 15, we've got work to do 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Selina: whatever you do, PLEASE do not get her a bunch of candles

Selina: that is a shit show that never ends well

Ecco: don't get Bridget candles, got it

Ecco: Think she'd like a bath bowl gift said 

Ecco: bowl = bomb, said = set 

Selina: For anyone else, I'd say no but Bridget fucking loves them so go for it 

Ecco: oh that's so cool

Selina: what is?

Ecco: they have a bath bomb selection set that's in a box shaped like a Christmas tree

Ecco: And there's fuzzy socks too!

Selina: You're very easily amused aren't you?

Ecco: Yeah

Ecco: Most people think I'm hard to please but in truth I'm a pretty easy going girl 

Selina: fair

Ecco: do you need any help with your gift?

Selina: nah 

Selina: I got Bruce who's piss easy to buy for 

Selina: He'll love whatever I get him cuz he's a fucking dork 

Ecco: gotta love friends like that 

Selina: they do make things easier 

Ecco: we still meeting for coffee later?

Selina: obviously 

Selina: Also Bridget is tagging along so she can do Christmas shopping and grill you about Miah 

Ecco: I wouldn't expect anything less of her 

Ecco: see you then 

Selina: See you 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
My cool friend: Victor  
Snazzy suit: Jervis**

My cool friend: what does Jonathan want for Christmas?

Snazzy suit: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

My cool friend: um ???

Snazzy suit: how CPULD YOU Victor?! 

My cool friend: how could I what?

Snazzy suit: Every year I look forward to this festivity 

Snazzy suit: I anticipate it and wait impatiently for it to come along 

Snazzy suit: And then the names are drawn and I spend the season trying to guess who everyone has 

Snazzy suit: AND YOUVE JUST TOLD ME 

Snazzy suit: 😭😭😭😭😭😭

My cool friend: why did I think this would be a good idea?

Snazzy suit: 😭😭😭😭😭

My cool friend: um okay

My cool friend: Ah YES

My cool friend: technically I'm just asking what Jonathan WANTS for Christmas 

My cool friend: I never said that I have him

My cool friend: Just wondering what he wants 

My cool friend: Therefore, you still don't KNOW who I have 

My cool friend: Right?

Snazzy suit: ...

My cool friend: jervis? 

Snazzy suit: ...

My cool friend: you gonna help me or not?

Snazzy suit: ...

Snazzy suit: I suppose that logic does check out

Snazzy suit: oh alright 😊😊

Snazzy suit: he's had his eye on Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order for sometime now

Snazzy suit: I was going to get it but I can get something else 

Snazzy suit: And I know his parents aren't getting it because I asked them not to

My cool friend: thanks Jervis you're the best 

My cool friend: do you need any help with your present?

Snazzy suit: no Edward was easy to buy for 

Snazzy suit: I MEAN 

Snazzy suit: IVE ALREADY GOTTEN THEIR GIFT 

Snazzy suit: I DONT HAVE EDWARD 

My cool friend: uh huh 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
The greenest of them all: Edward  
Emo boi: Jonathan**

The greenest of them all: I'm just not sure what she would like 

The greenest of them all: and you guys seem pretty good friends so 

Emo boi: honestly Ecco isn't that hard to please 

Emo boi: she'll be happy with anything you get her

Emo boi: but Chovolaste is always a good idea

The greenest of them all: wtf?

Emo boi: chocolate 

Emo boi: don't mind me while I judge autocorrect 

The greenest of them all: anything else?

Emo boi: she really likes camping for some bizarre reason 

The greenest of them all: how does that help me?

Emo boi: I am the inspiration, not the execution 

The greenest of them all: true true, true true 

Emo boi: idk man she needs new boots 

The greenest of them all: thank you! 

The greenest of them all: I can use this

The greenest of them all: do you need help wit your gift?

The greenest of them all: *with

Emo boi: nah I've got Ivy I'm just gonna get her plants and vegan cookies

Emo boi: she'll love it

The greenest of them all: thanks for the help

Emo boi: anytime 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
burn baby burn: Bridget  
second best kind of gold: Silver**

burn baby burn: DO YOU THINK JETEMIAH WOULD WANT A TENT 

second best kind of gold: WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT A TENT?!

burn baby burn: IDK BUT WOULD HE WANT ONE?!?!?!

second best kind of gold: NO

second best kind of gold: get him Star Wars merchandise you moron

burn baby burn: oh

burn baby burn: that's actually a pretty good idea

second best kind of gold: well you don't have to sound so surprised 

burn baby burn: I didn't mean it like that 

burn baby burn: thank you

second best kind of gold: you're welcome 

second best kind of gold: now

second best kind of gold: WHAT SHOULD I GET OSWALD?!?!?

burn baby burn: SHIT I DONT KNOW

second best kind of gold: YOU DONT KNOW?!

second best kind of gold: HOW VAN YOU NOT KNOW, HES YOUR BROTHER 

burn baby burn: ADOPTED 

second best kind of gold: HEEEEEEEEEEEELP

burn baby burn: his favourite colours purple do something with that 

second best kind of gold: okay

second best kind of gold: Oooh idea

 **PRIVATE MESSAGE  
Freaky Penguin: Oswald  
Freaky Plant: Ivy**

Freaky Plant: do you think silver will want a lynx gift srt?

Freaky Plant: *set

Freaky Penguin: yeah she likes that 

Freaky Penguin: you should also get her a necklace or something

Freaky Plant: good idea, thanks 

Freaky Plant: how's shopping with Jerome going?

Freaky Penguin: I feel like I've aged 10 years in 30 minutes 

Freaky Plant: lmao mood

Freaky Penguin: it's actually not that bad he just 

Freaky Penguin: gets distracted 

Freaky Penguin: by every fucking thing 

Freaky Plant: yep that sounds like Jerome lol 😂😂

Freaky Plant: have you at least found a gift yet?

Freaky Penguin: eventually 

Freaky Plant: do you need any help with yours?

Freaky Penguin: Ivy

Freaky Penguin: take a moment here and remember who it is you're speaking to

Freaky Plant: Right of course 

Freaky Penguin: I've got this in the bag

 **GROUP CHAT: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen**

crazy gingersnap: MERRY CHRISTMAS YA FILTHY ANIMALS 

boss bitch: how is it Christmas already? Where the fuck has the year gone?

on cloud9 bitches: that is not an invitation for you to start describing on time works Ed

the enigma: I wasn't going to do that 

kitty cat: why you LIE 

pengy: has everyone opened their gifts yet?

the power of God and anime: we just finished 

the power of God and anime: thanks for my gift Selina

kitty cat: np

nerdy carrot top: I take it she had you for secret Santa?

the power of God and amine: yeah she got me a black phone case that says "don't touch my phone" on it

the power of God and anime: I love it

kitty cat: who got me the gift card for the smoothie place?

nerdy carrot top: Me

kitty cat: I'm only gonna say this once 

kitty cat: thank you

firewitch: *gasp* appreciation????? From Selina???

kitty cat: I hate you sometimes

do it for the plants: I GOT PLANTS!!!!!!

do it for the plants: SO

do it for the plants: MANY 

do it for the plants: PLANTS 

do it for the plants: AND COOKIES

do it for the plants: 💖💖💖💖💖💖😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

the scarecrow: that's from me

do it for the plants: Jonathan I know we've not always been the closest of friends 

do it for the plants: but if you weren't gay and in a relationship, I'd propose rn 

the scarecrow: aw thanks Ive

nerdy carrot top: thanks for my Star Wars hoodie Bridget, it's very comfy 

crazy gingersnap: he looks like he's drowning in it 

nerdy carrot top: HAPPILY drowning 

firewitch: eek I'm so glad! I was worried about what to get you

boss bitch: who got me hiking boots?

the enigma: that was me

boss bitch: thank you, they're so comfy 

the enigma: you're welcome 😄

the enigma: also WHO GOT ME EINSTEIN'S RIDDLE?!?!?!

mad as a hatter: ME 

the enigma: TYSM I LOVE IT 😄😄😄😄😄

mad as a hater: oh I'm so glad! 😊

mad as a hatter: WHO HAD ME FOR SECRET SANTA?!?!?

pengy: why me of course 

mad as a hatter: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU 

mad as a hatter: ☺️☺️☺️☺️😊😊😊😊😊😊😄😄😄😄😄😄

firewitch: wow must've been some present 

pengy: I got him a mad hatter tea party gift set

kitty cat: oh you're good

pengy: good? Bitch I'm great 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: oh I thought you had me

the guy she tells you not to worry about: whoever got me really nailed it this year 

crazy gingersnap: VINDICATIOOOOON

the guy she tells you not to worry about: thanks Jerome, I love it

on cloud9 bitches: ooooh what'd you get him?

crazy gingersnap: a reusable coffee mug with his name on it plus the definition of his name and a Christmas latte gift set

on cloud9 bitches: ah nice

on cloud9 bitches: also who got me because I love my gifts! 

do it for the plants: ME 😊😊😊😊

on cloud9 bitches: thank you the necklace is really pretty 

do it for the plants: np

firewitch: omg I love what I got!!!!

the scarecrow: what did you get?

firewitch: bath bomb gift set in the shape of a Christmas tree!

firewitch: AND IT COMES WITH FUZZY SOCKS

boss bitch: I'm glad you like it

firewitch: I LOVE IT 

the scarecrow: thanks to whoever got me Star Wars Jedi: Fallen order, btw

the guy she tells you not to worry about: You're welcome 

crazy gingersnap: aw dude that's supposed to be so good 

nerdy carrot top: Unlike certain additions to the franchise 

nerdy carrot top: Not that I'm bitter

the scarecrow: I know, can't wait to play it

pengy: I'd like to take this moment to say thank you to whoever got me a purple cane for Christmas 

on cloud9 bitches: THAT WAS ME 😄😄😄

crazy gingersnap: wait if you have Ozzie then that means

crazy gingersnap: FUCK BRUCE THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the power of God and anime: it was no big deal but you're welcome 😄

crazy gingersnap: I LOVE THEEEEEEM

the enigma: what did you get him?

the power of God and anime: a Loki t-shirt and a bunch of Christmas socks

nerdy carrot top: He looks far too happy right now

the guy she tells you not to worry about: well here's to another successful secret Santa

the guy she tells you not to worry about: merry Christmas everyone 

crazy gingersnap: MERRY CHRISTMAS 

firewitch: merry christmas! 

nerdy carrot top: Merry Christmas all 

Son cloud9 bitches: merry Christmas 

pengy: Happy Christmas 

do it for the plants: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

the scarecrow: ^

boss bitch: ^^

kitty cat: ^^^

mad as a hatter: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!! 😊😊😊

the enigma: merry Christmas 

the power of God and anime: Merry Christmas guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animals! 
> 
> Yes, Oswald did set the nicknames for him and Jerome in the private message. 
> 
> The key to Ivy's heart is plants. That's it, that's all there is to it. 
> 
> FYI, I don't have an exact time for when this story is set, I'm just pulling random things together lol. 
> 
> Sorry for my absence I was writing the Christmas fic (which is now finished so please check it out) but we should be back to regular updates. I was supposed to be publishing this yesterday but I got asked to come in for a shift at work so. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!


	12. happy new year i guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> crazy gingersnap: why not?
> 
> pengy: bc it's a terrible idea
> 
> crazy gingersnap: it's a great idea! 
> 
> the guy she tells you not to worry about: it really isn't 
> 
> do it for the plants: I'd try it 
> 
> nerdy carrot top: Don't encourage him Ivy! 
> 
> do it for the plants: DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: so for some odd reason the formatting wasn't working for one of the conversations so I'll just put the nicknames for it here;
> 
> GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship
> 
> Captain of the SS Valeyne: Ivy  
> First Mate of the SS Valeyne: Selina  
> Hattercrow Stan: Bridget  
> Eccomiah Fangirl: Silver  
> Nygmobblepot Shipper: Victor

_the scarecrow set the chat name to: happy new year i guess_

the scarecrow: happy new year i guess

firewitch: no fucking way is the year already over 

the enigma: well technically it isn't over yet 

firewitch: I will hurt you Edward 

the enigma: no you won't 

the enigma: I'm your friend, you don't want to hurt me

firewitch: your logic checks out 

firewitch: fine I won't hurt you but I'll give you the silent treatment 

the enigma: is that worse?

kitty cat: it's worse

pengy: if Bridget is giving you the silent treatment, you know you done fucked up

boss bitch: and you know you done fucked up BIG time 

the enigma: duly noted 

the power of God and anime: so what's everyone's plans for New Year's Eve?

nerdy carrot top: We usually go to Oswald's and Bridget's for a big party their parents host for New Year's Eve 

pengy: which unfortunately won't be happening this year as my mother's redecorating and it won't be done in time for the new year 

crazy gingersnap: well shit then

crazy gingersnap: what we gonna do

the power of God and anime: you could all come to mine for New Year's Eve? My parents host a party as well

the power of God and anime: It's usually full of members of the board at Wayne Enterprises and other people 

the power of God and anime: so please come so I don't have to suffer through that alone. 

on cloud9 bitches: you son of a bitch, I'm in 

mad as a hatter: as am I!

boss bitch: I mean, I guess we don't have anything better to do so sure why not

the guy she tells you not to worry about: thanks for inviting us

the power of God and anime: no problem, it'll be so much better with you guys there 

the power of God and anime: feel free to invite your parents btw

mad as a hatter: my parents have other plans but thank you 

the scarecrow: ^

the enigma: Sarah and I will be there

the enigma: is it okay if I bring kristen?

the power of God and anime: uh

pengy: it's fine 

the power of God and anime: it's fine 

pengy: Bridget, my parents and I will be there 

kitty cat: I'm gonna be there anyway so guess I have to come 

nerdy carrot top: Jim says you already invited him?

the power of God and anime: ah yes I did 

the power of God and anime: well my parents did 

nerdy carrot top: He's bringing Lee 

crazy gingersnap: well FUCKITY FUCK FUCK 

the enigma: ???

crazy gingersnap: I just asked Babs and she says she's bringing Tabitha 

do it for the plants: ooooooh drama 

do it for the plants: sorry for not responding sooner, I was sleep pong 

do it for the plants: *sleeping

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jerome don't even think about it 

firewitch: what was he thinking about? 

crazy gingersnap: YOU GUYS WE SJUOUD TRY TO PLAY SLEEP PING PONG

crazy gingersnap: you wait until you're sleep deprived and then play ping pong 

crazy gingersnap: last person to fall asleep wins! 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: no 

crazy gingersnap: why not?

pengy: bc it's a terrible idea

crazy gingersnap: it's a great idea! 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: it really isn't 

do it for the plants: I'd try it 

nerdy carrot top: Don't encourage him Ivy! 

do it for the plants: DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO 

crazy gingersnap: HELL YEAH STICK IT TO THE MAN 

kitty cat: seeing as this could go on forever, I'd like to ask who the fuck is Lee? 

mad as a hatter: Lee is Leslie Thompkins 

the scarecrow: aka Doctor Thompkins 

nerdy carrot top: She insisted on us calling her Lee

nerdy carrot top: Regardless of how many times I tried to call her Dr Thompkins 

nerdy carrot top: And regardless of how may times Jerome called her doc 

firewitch: wait you guys now know Doc Thompkins on a first name basis?

the enigma: that's weird 

the scarecrow: super weird 

mad as a hatter: says the man who's father is a teacher at our school

pengy: that's it's own category of weird 

boss bitch: does this mean Lee and Tabitha are officially in the family?

crazy gingersnap: yes

crazy gingersnap: which reminds me

**GROUP CHAT: we are family  
the eldest: Jerome  
the middle child: Jeremiah  
the youngest: Silver  
gee cee pee dee dad: Jim  
mama bear: Barbara  
what's up doc: Lee  
tabby cat: Tabitha**

_the eldest added 3 members to: we are family_

_the eldest set the chat name to: we are family (ive got all my parents with me)_

_the eldest changed 1 nickname_

_the eldest set 3 nicknames_

the eldest: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY 

the eldest: and before you ask, yes we are all insane 

the youngest: not that I don't appreciate being included, but why am I here?

the eldest: you live with Tabitha and she's your step aunt, which makes Babs you're step step aunt, and Jim your step step step uncle, and Lee your step step step step aunt, and us your step step cousins 

the middle child: It doesn't work like that Jerome 

the eldest: WELL IT DOES NOW 

the middle child: At least I'm no longer the youngest anymore. Silver has that title now 

the youngest: yay me I guess 

the eldest: anyway I have been informed you're all coming to the party at the Waynes tonight and that meant that you guys (Lee and Tabitha) are here to stay

what's up doc: thank you?

the eldest: youre welcome 

tabby cat: why is this my nickname?

the eldest: why not?

mama bear: hard to argue with that logic 

the youngest: wait if i was added to this chat bc of tabby shouldn't Theo be here too?

gee cee pee dee dad: please God no 

mama bear: for once I agree with Jim 

the middle child: You've been added because we like you Silver 

the middle child: The same cannot be said for Theo 

what's up doc: I'm sure he's not that bad 

tabby cat: no they're right he is

what's up doc: oh good I was worried I was going to have to say nice things about him 

the eldest: lol I love how we all just collectively hate Theo 

mama bear: he's a prick so yeah we hate him 

what's up doc: I have to head back to work so I'll see you all at the party 

gee cee pee dee dad: see you later 

the youngest: we (twins and I) are also leaving cuz bye 

**GROUP CHAT: happy new year i guess**

on cloud9 bitches: apparently I'm now the Twins' step step cousin 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: yeah, that's not a thing 

crazy gingersnap: IT IS NOW 

nerdy carrot top: Don't try to argue with him on this, you know what he's like 

pengy: part of me wants to ask what happened, the other knows that I really don't want to know so I'm just going to ignore this

the enigma: probably for the best 

boss bitch: shit I gotta head away

mad as a hatter: me too

kitty cat: see you guys at the New Years party I guess

mad as a hatter: until then! 

**New Year's Eve - 9:23pm**

firewitch: haPpy New yEaR guuuuuuuuys!!!!!!!!!!!!

kitty cat: it's still New Year's Eve babe 

kitty cat: also, how drunk are you?

firewitch: only a liTLE! I've haD The saMe no of drinksAs you

nerdy carrot top: My god, how are you still alive?

kitty cat: ha ha ha 

the power of God and anime: Ivy please put that Vader down 

the power of God and anime: *vase

do it for the plants: I was just looking at it! 

the power of God and anime: well you've looked at it now please put it down 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I don't mean to alarm you Bruce but the j squad are currently looking at Tommy eliot and whispering to each other 

the scarecrow: since when were you a fucking tattle tale victor?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: since always 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: it's just that people are usually telling on others to me and not the other way around 

the enigma: why is Timmy Eliot even at this party?

the enigma: *Tommy

crazy gingersnap: no wait ed that's brilliant 

crazy gingersnap: Tommy is now Timmy 

crazy gingersnap: we don't refer to him as anything other than Timmy 

kitty cat: done 

mad as a hatter: to answer your question, the Eliots are old friends of the Waynes 

mad as a hatter: or should I say "friends" 

boss bitch: how do you know this?

mad as a hatter: because I pay attention 

the power of God and anime: please don't start any drama with Tommy, my parents will not be happy about that 

kitty cat: Tommy?

the scarecrow: who's tommy?

mad as a hatter: we don't know a Tommy

crazy gingersnap: no tommys at this party

on cloud9 bitches: should that be tommies?

crazy gingersnap: good question 

the scarecrow: ed?

the enigma: the only answer I have to that is "I am friends with morons" 

boss bitch: mood 

kitty cat: quick question for ya Bruce 

kitty cat: you know that lamp on the second landing on the east Side?

the power of God and anime: yeeees

kitty cat: what would you do if I were to say that Bridget drunkenly stumbled into it and knocked it over???

firewitch: yOu Sworeyou wOukdNt teeeeeeeeeeellll

kitty cat: I lied

the power of God and anime: stay right there I'm omw 

the power of God and anime: Ivy, so help me God, if you don't put that vase down, I'm telling everyone about last Tuesday

the scarecrow: wow I've never seen anyone put down a vase that quick

mad as a hatter: makes one wonder what happened last Tuesday...

do it for the plants: NOTHING 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: uh huh 

the power of God and anime: where is Jerome? I need to make sure he isn't up to anything nefarious 

crazy gingersnap: woooooow not sure what I've done to deserve this level of distrust 

the enigma: you mean other than everything you've ever done?

crazy gingersnap: EDDIE 

crazy gingersnap: GOW COULD YOU

crazy gingersnap: I THIUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS 

the enigma: we are

the enigma: but that doesn't change the fact that you're a moron who does dumb shit for the fun of it 

crazy gingersnap: you know what, ill give you that 

the power of God and anime: but just so we're clear, you're not doing any dumb shit right now, yes?

crazy gingersnap: chill Bruce I'm raiding the snacks table 

pengy: is this what I was like when you guys came to mine and Bridget's house for New Years?

boss bitch: yep 

on cloud9 bitches: literally wondering what we were doing and where we were doing it all the time 

pengy: well it's not my fault you're all morons 

mad as a hatter: pot, meet kettle 

pengy: stfu tetch 

do it for the plants: so anyone kissing so,embody for New Years? Other than the usual suspects ofc

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Nora isn't here so no

on cloud9 bitches: I'm as single as the last Pringle so also no 

on cloud9 bitches: unless anybody is particularly desperate to be kissed for New Years? 

do it for the plants: I'm good

do it for the plants: the three of us can just chill in a corner somewhere 

pengy: may I join you? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: but of course 

the enigma: I'll be with Kristen 

the scarecrow: I guess I'll be with Jervis 

firewitch: SELINAAAAAAAAAA

pengy: you do realise you guys are the usual subjects yes?

the scarecrow: yes but I fet like saying it anyway 

the scarecrow: lemme do my thing okay? 

crazy gingersnap: didn't realise Jervis was a thing 

the scarecrow: that's not even funny 

boss bitch: idk I thought it was mildly amusing 

crazy gingersnap: SO THERE 

**GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship**

Eccomiah Fangirl: so how are we going to get Eccomiah and Valeyne to kiss? 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: I'm working on it, okay? 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: evidently you need to work harder 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: i don't see you doing anything Victor! 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: it's hard to have hope for other ships when mine has been shot down in the water

Hattercrow Stan: that's AcTUalLy kindofsad 

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: trust me this whole Ed/Kristen thing is not going to last, we've just got to wait for it to crash and burn

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: in the meantime, what we doing about the other morons?

Nygmobblepot Shipper: we'll need to exercise every tactic of subtlety and espionage available to us

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
clown boi: Jerome  
crazy plant lady: Ivy**

crazy plant lady: hey you should totally kiss Bruce at midnight 

clown boi: WHAT NO I CABT

crazy plant lady: yes you can

crazy plant lady: just walk up say "hey lets kiss at midnight for New Years" and then you kiss 

crazy plant lady: And then he falls in love with you

crazy plant lady: and then you live happily ever after 

clown boi: yeaaaaaah

clown boi: no 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
Firebug: Bridget  
Redhead Diva: Jeremiah**

Firebug: heeeeey EccO yoUshoUld TotaLY kiSsss JereMiAhAt a midnight 

Firebug: sssssshit wrong person

Firebug: heeey Miah you SJUOUD Kiss Exxo at Mifmohht 

Redhead Diva: Bridget, I am begging you, please stop drinking booze and starting drinking water 

Firebug: there I had a glassss of boringwater 

Redhead Diva: thank you 

Redhead Diva: now

Redhead Diva: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I CAN'T KISS ECCO! 

Firebug: yeses you van 

Firebug: it's bery simplye 

Firebug: ILL SHOW UOU 

Redhead Diva: Did you just use me as an excuse to make out with your girlfriend? 

Firebug: yeeep 

Firebug: now use ne as an exciuuse to make our wi Ecco 

Redhead Diva: I can't 

Redhead Diva: She wouldn't want to and she'd never agree to it 

Firebug: so if igot confirmationrb that she wanted to, would you Use?

Redhead Diva: I mean

Redhead Diva: I guess

Firebug: GIMME TEN MINUTES 

**GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship**

Hattercrow Fangirl: SOEONE NEEDS TO CONBICE ECCO TO KISS NIAH 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: BITCH IM ON IT 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
** **Badass wifey: Ecco  
Quirky wifey: Ivy **

Quirky wifey: listen I have a well informed source that says Miah would be interested in kissing you at midnight

Quirky wifey: would you be interested?

Badass wifey: I mean 

Badass wifey: I guess

Badass wifey: but like, not in front of anyone because I don't like the idea of kissing for an audience 

Quirky wifey: fair enough 

**GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship**

Captain of the SS Valeyne: Eccomiah New Years kiss is GO GO GO 

**GROUP CHAT: happy new year i guess**

on cloud9 bitches: YOU GUYS 

on cloud9 bitches: Ecco and Miah are kissing for New Years! 

on cloud9 bitches: MY HEART 

crazy gingersnap: OH REALLY? 

pengy: how delightfully unexpected

nerdy carrot top: Shut the fuck up Jerome, it's just as friends 

nerdy carrot top: Right?

boss bitch: uh huh

boss bitch: sure 

the enigma: are we seriously just letting that comment slide?

mad as a hatter: ECCO AND MIAH, SITTING IN A TREE

the scarecrow: K I S S I N G 

crazy gingersnap: FIRST COMES LOVE 

on cloud9 bitches: THEN COMES MARRIAGE 

do it for the plants: THEN COMES A BABY IN A GOLDEN CARRIAGE

nerdy carrot top: Are you five?

crazy gingersnap: times better than you? Yes

pengy: ooooh that was a good one 

crazy gingersnap: *tips hat* why thank you 

**GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship**

Eccomiah Fangirl: that's Eccomiah sorted

Eccomiah Fangirl: What about Valenye 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: I tried with Jerome but it didn't work 

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: I have an idea 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Selina: I triple dog dare you to kiss Bruce at midnight

Jerome: You little bitch 

Selina: does that mean you forfeit?

Jerome: Not on your fucking life 

**GROUP CHAT: I will go down with this~~~~ ship**

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: Jerome is in 

Hattercrow Stan: now we just have to convince Bruce 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: leave that to me

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Victor: hey Bruce I overheard Tommy talking about how he wants to kiss Jerome at midnight

Bruce: WHAT 

Victor: yeah, apparently since Jerome's been pranking him, Tommy has become obsessed with him

Victor: and he says that if Jerome isn't kissing anyone at midnight and would be up for it, he's going to make a move 

Bruce: OVER MY DEAD BODY 

**GROUP CHAT: happy new year i guess**

the power of God and anime: JEROME IM KISSING YOU AT MIDNIGHT

the power of God and anime: DONT ASK 

crazy gingersnap: ASGFGDHJUNVVGYU

crazy gingersnap: I mean sure sounds good 

the scarecrow: uuuuum

pengy: okay then ???

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what a strange turn of events 

do it for the plants: I don't know who could have seen this coming 

on cloud9 bitches: completely unexpected 

firewitch: and weird

kitty cat: very very weird

mad as a hatter: *narrows eyes in suspicion*

the enigma: what are you guys up to? 

on cloud9 bitches: oh nothing you need to worry about 😉

boss bitch: it's 50 seconds to midnight 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and 30 seconds to Mars 

do it for the plants: lol 

mad as a hatter: I would just like to take this moment to say that although this year was... Difficult, it was made all the more bearable and pleasant because of you. I'm glad to be your friend and hope that we enjoy making many more wonderful memories in the year to come

firewitch: AWWWW JERVIE 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️

the enigma: well I would like to tell you all thank you so much for accepting me into your friend group and giving me a place to belong. It means the world to me 

crazy gingersnap: AAAAAAAW EDDIE 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️

pengy: ugh now I'm overcome with an odd feeling of affection for you all so I might as well say 

pengy: I LOVE YOU GUYS SO FUCKING MUCH IT HURTS 

boss bitch: ^

kitty cat: ^^

the scarecrow: ^^^

do it for the plants: YOU GUYS 10 SECONDS 

mad as a hatter: 9!

on cloud9 bitches: 8 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: 7

pengy: 6

the scarecrow: 5 

the enigma: 4

kitty cat: 3

firewitch: 2! 

nerdy carrot top: 1

crazy gingersnap: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do it for the plants: OH MU GOSH VALENYE ARE KISSING I COULD DIE 😍😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️

on cloud9 bitches: ECCOMIAH 😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️

pengy: you do realise that when they check their phones they'll see you two fangirling over them, yes?

on cloud9 bitches: fuck 

do it for the plants: SPAM THE CHAT 

on cloud9 bitches: SPAM IT 

the scarecrow: well if you insist

mad as a hatter: I guess we must oblige 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: happy new year guys, hope it's a good one 

the enigma: ^ 

kitty cat: seriously though where the fuck has the year gone?

pengy: ikr, I feel like it's gone by in days 

boss bitch: yeah it's crazy how fast it's gone 

nerdy carrot top: This year certainly has been different and brought a lot of changes 

crazy gingersnap: yeah but a lot of those changes were good like Us becoming friends w/ Selina and Bruce and Edward 

do it for the plants: yeah that was awesome 

firewitch: AND HATTERCROW ARE NOW DATING 😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️

firewitch: and me and Selina I guess

kitty cat: woooooooow

firewitch: just kidding babes ❤️❤️

on cloud9 bitches: anyway thanks for inviting us Bruce 

the power of God and anime: thanks for coming! Happy New Year All!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been reading this fic! It has been an absolute joy to write and I hope you will continue on this weird and wonderful journey with me into the new year. 
> 
> Happy Hogmanay! (Which is what us Scots call New Year's Eve). I hope your 2021 is filled with love, joy and light. 
> 
> See ya!


	13. the gang beat up Ed's bully *cue It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia theme music*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nerdy carrot top: And me, I don't just waking up looking this good 
> 
> boss bitch: could've fooled me 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: _crazy gingersnap sent a photo_
> 
> crazy gingersnap: look how red his face is 
> 
> nerdy carrot top: SHUT THE FUCK UP JEROME

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
** I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: Jerome  
Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Jeremiah 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: so 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: New Years was eventful huh

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: I think love her Jerome

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: As in, actually genuinely truly love her 

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: everything she does, all the things she says

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: I could listen to her for hours 

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: And even when we aren't doing anything and we're just sitting together, I'm so happy and nervous and it's wonderful 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: as if i needed more proof you were a fucking SIMP

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Why do I bother talking to you at all?

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: jk man 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: im happy for you

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: or i will be when you finally ask her out

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: when will that be, just so i know?

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Probably about the same time you ask Bruce out 

I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: ah, so we're both dying alone 

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Essentially yes 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Selina the Teenage Cat: so New Years kiss huh? 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: yeah 

Selina the Teenage Cat: was it good?

Bruce the Teenage Bat: it was amazing 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: his lips were really soft 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: And he smelled really good 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: Like the smell of smoke on your clothes after you've been at a bonfire

Bruce the Teenage Bat: But also sea minerals body wash mixed in as well 

Selina the Teenage Cat: you've got it bad dude 

Selina the Teenage Cat: also that's very specific but like I wouldn't expect anything less from you 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: he's amazing 

Selina the Teenage Cat: and you're a moron 

**GROUP CHAT: happy new year i guess**

_on cloud9 bitches set the chat name to: legion of horribles - the return to hell_

the enigma: that sounds like the highly anticipated sequel to a great movie that turns out to be crap because it doesn't live up to the first one 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: story of cinema in the 21st century 

do it for the plants: STOP BEATING THE DEAD HORSE JUST LET IT DIE 

firewitch: except they won't do that bc it makes them money 

pengy: fuuuuuuck I do not want to go back to school

the scarecrow: bitch me too you ain't special 

mad as a hatter: at least we'll get to see each other again! 

boss bitch: that's literally the only positive thing about it

crazy gingersnap: FUCK WERE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL SOON I NEED NEW OUTFITS 

pengy: FUCK, ME TOO

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you don't need new outfits, you just want them 

pengy: stfu Victor 

pengy: @crazy gingersnap shopping spree? 

crazy gingersnap: fuck yes

on cloud9 bitches: count me in 

nerdy carrot top: And me, I don't just waking up looking this good 

boss bitch: could've fooled me 

crazy gingersnap: _crazy gingersnap sent a photo_

crazy gingersnap: look how red his face is 

nerdy carrot top: SHUT THE FUCK UP JEROME 

crazy gingersnap: NEVER 

mad as a hatter: may I come along?

on cloud9 bitches: obvs

pengy: anyone else?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: no I'm spending the day with Nora 

do it for the plants: oh say hi to her from us! 

do it for the plants: and I can't, me, Bridget and Ecco are studying for a test we've got for chemistry 

firewitch: they told us about it before we went on Christmas break so we could study 

firewitch: but obvs we did not bc fuck that 

kitty cat: I hate it when teachers assign you work during break

the scarecrow: ikr it's like go fuck yourself 

the scarecrow: on that note, I have homework to do so won't be able to attend 

kitty cat: me too Bruce is forcing me to do it

the power of God and anime: well excuse me for caring about your education

kitty cat: you're excused

the power of God and anime: do you want to come to mine to do that, Jonathan? Might be more fun with other people 

the scarecrow: it's English so I doubt anything will make it fun for me but sure 

the scarecrow: be round in ten 

the enigma: sorry guys I'm on a date with Kristen 

pengy: oh 

pengy: that's fine 

pengy: how are things going with you two? 

**GROUP CHAT: well this fucking sucks**

Ecco: why the fuck are you asking ed about kristen? 

Oswald: I'm trying to be supportive 

Jonathan: wow I wouldn't be 

Jonathan: But then I'm a petty bitch so 

Jervis: wait, is that why you were so salty about me dating Jane? 

Silver: and now he finally understands 

Bruce: just realising there is an absurd amount of people whose names start with J

Ivy: that's true - Jerome, Jeremiah, Jonathan 

Victor: Jervis, Jim, Jane

Selina: that's only six people

Bridget: still, relatively it is a lot 

**GROUP CHAT: legion of horribles - the return to hell**

the enigma: things are going great 

the enigma: I think 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you think?

mad as a hatter: why don't you know?

the enigma: well it's just 

the enigma: she spends a lot of time with Myrtle- which is fine! - but I'm just beginning to wonder if she actually likes me 

the enigma: bc I see the way they are together and... Like it makes me wonder 

boss bitch: I'm sure it's nothing 

on cloud9 bitches: myrtles one of her best friends, it's natural that they spend a lot of time together 

the enigma: yeah I guess

crazy gingersnap: i mean think about how much time you spend w/ us

firewitch: also I'd like to point out that you're on a date with her right now 

the enigma: yeah and we're both texting our friends 

kitty cat: yeah that doesn't seem like a good sign

the power of God and anime: Selina! 

nerdy carrot top: She's just pointing it out the way it is 

kitty cat: ^ 

do it for the plants: idk man sounds like you got some thinking to do 

**GROUP CHAT: well this fucking sucks**

_Ivy set the chat name to: well this might not suck_

Ivy: PENGY THERE IS STILL HOPE 

Oswald: I KNOW ASDFGHHJKL

 **GROUP CHAT: legion of horribles - the return to hell**

on cloud9 bitches: in other news, we're here! 

mad as a hatter: I'm so excited, can't you see? Oh this has made me very happy!

kitty cat: great we're back to rhyming 

firewitch: hey smart people how do you chemistry? 

firewitch: bc we have no fucking clue 

pengy: isn't Ivy good at chemistry?

do it for the plants: I'm good at biology, chemistry is like... Meh

do it for the plants: bc so much of it is just math and like wtf?

boss bitch: so what we're really asking here is how do you math? 

the scarecrow: send me pictures of the work 

crazy gingersnap: and do it on pm bc i don't wanna see math if i don't have to 

kitty cat: ^ 

nerdy carrot top: So you know how when you go to the mall and you see a guy wearing a Viking plushy costume? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: pics or it isn't happening

on cloud9 bitches: _on cloud9 bitches sent a photo_

the power of God and anime: well there's something you don't see everyday

the enigma: oh no 

pengy: what?

the enigma: you see that guy behind the Viking?

mad as a hatter: yeeeeeeees

the enigma: he's the guy who made my life in my old high school a living hell - Tom Daugherty

the scarecrow: OH 

firewitch: yikes 

on cloud9 bitches: reeeeeeeally?

crazy gingersnap: interesting

pengy: very interesting 

the power of God and anime: are you okay ed? 

the enigma: yeah I'm fine I just

the enigma: I never thought I'd have to see him again 

the enigma: I think I'm just going to go home now 

do it for the plants: do you want company? 

the enigma: aren't you studying?

boss bitch: fuck studying, our friend needs us

the power of God and anime: you could all join us at mine? We could watch a movie 

kitty cat: please say yes I can't take this homework anymore 

the power of God and anime: we've barely been working on it for an hour Selina 

kitty cat: FUCKING DAMNIT 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: wait a minute

the guy she tells you not to worry about: something isn't right

the scarecrow: what's up?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: if I knew what it was, I'd say it 

the scarecrow: YEESH excuse me for asking 

boss bitch: you're excused 

the scarecrow: you little shit 

the guy she tells you not not worry about: I figured it out 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: the guys at the mall have been too quiet 

firewitch: well that's rarely a good thing 

on cloud9 bitches: hey guys! 

nerdy carrot top: So

crazy gingersnap: hypothetically speaking 

mad as a hatter: what would you do if we said we beat the shit out of Ed's bully?

crazy gingersnap: hypothetically speaking 

kitty cat: did you beat up Ed's bully?

nerdy carrot top: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't 

mad as a hatter: who's to say? 

on cloud9 bitches: _on cloud9 bitches sent a photo_

on cloud9 bitches: yeah we totally did 

crazy gingersnap: and it was AMAZING 

mad as a hatter: you should have seen Oswald, he went fucking crazy

pengy: I'm a vengeful person and he hurt my friend 

pengy: he's lucky to be alive 

boss bitch: nice

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Worst part of this is I'm not even surprised

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I'm just very disappointed 

firewitch: ooooooh you made mom disappointed!

the scarecrow: you done fucked up big time bitches 

nerdy carrot top: I know and I'm okay with that 

the enigma: you guys beat him up for me?

pengy: ofc, you're our friend and he hurt you 

the enigma: guys...

on cloud9 bitches: best part was when Oswald starting hitting him with his cane 

crazy gingersnap: oh that was glorious 

the enigma: you beat him with your cane?!

the power of God and anime: how the fuck have none of you been arrested yet?

crazy gingersnap: it's only a crime if you get caught 

the power of God and anime: what a wonderful thing to believe 

crazy gingersnap: im sensing some sarcasm... 

the enigma: I'm so touched 

the enigma: about you guys beating someone up for me, not the sarcasm 

boss bitch: ah violence; the easiest way to show someone you care

the power of God and anime: I'm beginning to think everyone in this chat needs therapy

nerdy carrot top: You're only JUST beginning to think that?

the scarecrow: oh Bruce you sweet little innocent 

mad as a hatter: it was Oswald's idea

the enigma: thank you Oswald 

the enigma: you really didn't have to

pengy: oh uh it was nothing 

firewitch: can't believe the gang beat up Ed's bully 

do it for the plants: this week on "It's Never Sunny In Gotham" 

kitty cat: 'the gang beat up Ed's bully' 

nerdy carrot top: *cue It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia theme music* 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Edward: you really didn't have to do that for me Oswald 

Oswald: I know

Oswald: but I wanted to

Oswald: you're my friend Edward and I care about you

Oswald: I don't like the idea of people hurting you and getting away with it 

Edward: you're my friend too Oswald 

Edward: And I care about you as well

Edward: A lot 

Edward: I mean if it wasn't for you, I'd probably still be the weird nerdy new guy

Edward: You gave me friends and a place to belong

Edward: I'm happier than I can ever remember being and a lot of that is thanks to you 

Edward: so I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for being my friend 

Oswald: thank you for being mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl, I'm suffering from a bit of writer's block right now while writing multiple different fics so *in John Mulany's voice* you can imagine the kind of stress I'm under. 
> 
> Hope you liked this and if you did, leave a kudos and a comment. 
> 
> Lots of love and until next time.


	14. in which school is boring and then the j squad happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boss bitch: the j squad just passed the classroom I'm in 
> 
> boss bitch: where are you even running to?
> 
> the scarecrow: lol that's cute, you think we have a plan

on cloud9 bitches: uuuuuuuuuugh I wanna go home 

firewitch: bitch me too you ain't special 

pengy: biology is such a fucking drag 

the enigma: aw come on guys it's not that bad 

on cloud9 bitches: speak for yourself bitch 

on cloud9 bitches: this is torture 

pengy: I'm so bored 

crazy gingersnap: sounds like youre in need of some excitement 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what did you do?

the scarecrow: what did WE do, you mean

the guy she tells you not worry about: please tell me you haven't planned something else 

mad as a hatter: okay, we won't tell you that 😉

kitty cat: this oughta be good 

do it for the plants: whatever you're doing, can you do it near math? Mis Falcone is getting on my nerves 

mad as a hatter: but of course!

the scarecrow: we'll circle round 

the power of God and anime: aren't you guys supposed to be in geography rn?

crazy gingersnap: "supposed to be" being the key words here 

the power of God and anime: I think I just saw you guys run past 

the power of God and anime: are you wearing my sweater Jerome?

crazy gingersnap: WHAT NO 

nerdy carrot top: Yes, yes he is 

crazy gingersnap: STFU MIAH I AM NOT 

the scarecrow: it's black so I'm gonna go with yes, you are wearing his sweater 

boss bitch: which begs the question of how you got his sweater and why are you wearing it?

the enigma: well I think the latter is fairly obvious, all things considered 

the power of God and anime: I left my sweater at his last time I was there, only just remembering it now 

the power of God and anime: I had wondered where it had gotten too

kitty cat: why were you taking your clothes off at Jeromes 😉😏

the power of God and anime: WHAT NO IT WASNT LIKE YHAT 

the power of God and anime: IT WAS JUST VERY WARM IN HIS ROOM 

pengy: oooooooh so you were in his bedroom huh? 

crazy gingersnap: WE WERE STUDYING FOR HISTORY 

nerdy carrot top: Sure, "studying" 

firewitch: a likely story 😉😂

boss bitch: that still doesn't explain why you're wearing his sweater now

crazy gingersnap: i mustve put it on by accident 

nerdy carrot top: Even though you don't own any dark sweaters? 

crazy gingersnap: right i wasnt gonna do this but youve forced my hand 

crazy gingersnap: _crazy gingersnap sent a photo_

boss bitch: is that what I think it is?

crazy gingersnap: if what you think it is is the leather jacket you were talking about the other day then yes, yes it is 

nerdy carrot top: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP THAT A SECRET 

crazy gingersnap: YOU WERENT SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCH YET HERE WE FUCKING ARE 

on cloud9 bitches: YOU GOT ECCO A LEATHER JACKET?!

the guy she tells you not to worry about: that's practically a confession of love 

nerdy carrot top: IT IS FOR HER BIRTHDAY 

pengy: her birthdays in April

mad as a hatter: We're still in January 

nerdy carrot top: Yeah, well, January sales exist 

the scarecrow: a likely excuse 

nerdy carrot top: And now Jerome has ruined the surprise like the little bitch he is 

crazy gingersnap: takes one to know one bitch 

nerdy carrot top: No it does it 

crazy gingersnap: youre right cuz im not a bitch yet know you are one 

kitty cat: please, you're both petty bitches, it's part of the reason why I'm friends with you 

crazy gingersnap: fair enough

nerdy carrot top: And now I'm going to have to get her something else 

the enigma: you were going to get her something else anyway 

do it for the plants: cause your a fucking SIMP 

nerdy carrot top: *you're 

do it for the plants: so are you agreeing with the rest of my statement? 

boss bitch: You don't have to Jeremiah, the jackets enough. It's very thoughtful 

nerdy carrot top: Oh 

nerdy carrot top: It was nothing 

boss bitch: it's not nothing to me 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Oswald: damn you are flirting hard in the chat 

Ecco: yeah I realised I like Miah a while ago and I've been trying to show I'm interested

Oswald: unfortunately though, for a very intelligent man, he's as dumb as a sack of rocks when it comes to feelings 

Ecco: basically yeah 

**GROUP CHAT: legion of horribles - the return to hell**

on cloud9 bitches: wow get a room you two 😉😉😉

nerdy carrot top: Silver, you're dead to me 

do it for the plants: WTF WAS THAT?! 

kitty cat: what?

do it for the plants: there was a VERY loud crash just outside the math corridor 

do it for the plants: at least I think it was a crash 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jerome, Jervis, Jonathan - what did you do? 

crazy gingersnap: well you see Vicky

mad as a hatter: we'd love to tell you

the scarecrow: but we already said we wouldn't 

mad as a hatter: and we are men of our word 

firewitch: I'm in math too w/ Prof Pyg and it sounded like an explosion 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: seriously, what the fuck did you guys do?

the enigma: *gasp* you made mom swear! 

boss bitch: ooooooh you're in for it now 

pengy: WTF that was loud!

the power of God and anime: have you moved to the science hallway now?

mad as a hatter: you betcha 

firewitch: seriously tho what the hell are you guys doing? 

the scarecrow: wait and find out 

firewitch: or you could just tell us

crazy gingersnap: and ruin the surprise?

mad as a hatter: we think not 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: last chance, what are you doing?

crazy gingersnap: ITS A SURPRISE 

do it for the plants: MISS FALCONE JUST WALKED IN COVERED IN CAKE 

kitty cat: pics or it didn't happen

do it for the plants: _do it for the plants sent a photo_

pengy: this is the greatest picture I have ever seen in the history of ever 

pengy: nothing will ever be better than this 

the scarecrow: well if nothing else, we made pengy happy 

crazy gingersnap: SHIT WE GOTTA RUN 

pengy: PRINCIPAL GALAVAN ALSO GOT CAKED 

pengy: _pengy sent a photo_

on cloud9 bitches: THIS IS AMAZING 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

firewitch: why are you guys running?

mad as a hatter: MISS HARPER CAUGHT SIGHT OF US 

the scarecrow: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HEAD TO ART FIRST BUT NOOOOOO 

do it for the plants: where are you guys? 

crazy gingersnap: just passed English 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I have a free period, I'll run interference for you 

the scarecrow: VICTOR YOU ARE A LEGEND 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I know 

kitty cat: yoooo Brant Jones just walked into history covered in cake too lol

kitty cat: _kitty cat sent a photo_

the power of God and anime: ugh I hate him 

on cloud9 bitches: same, he's part of the reason why Tommys such a dick 

the enigma: interesting that Jerome would prank someone you hate...

crazy gingersnap: YOULL SHUT YOYR DAMN MOUTH IF YOU KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR YOU NYGMA 

boss bitch: the j squad just passed the classroom I'm in 

boss bitch: where are you even running to?

the scarecrow: lol that's cute, you think we have a plan 

mad as a hatter: and we are now running away from school 

boss bitch: _boss bitch sent a photo_

boss bitch: Lol Mr Maroni got caked too

boss bitch: now he's yelling about an explosion and terrorists? 

the guy she tells you you not to worry about: for the love of God, what did you guys do? 

the scarecrow: well you see 

mad as a hatter: we kind of sort of 

crazy gingersnap: put cake bombs all over the school

the scarecrow: addressed to certain people we do not like 

mad as a hatter: and it's hardly our fault if they're dumb enough to take them 

kitty cat: where the fuck did you guys get cake bombs from?

crazy gingersnap: WE MADE THEM

pengy: ofc you did 

the enigma: seriously? Ngl I'm impressed 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Ed please don't encourage them 

the scarecrow: AND WE GOT AWAY WITH IT TOO

nerdy carrot top: But you're still going to be in so much trouble when you get back 

crazy gingersnap: don't ruin this for us Miah 

do it for the plants: but seriously tho, where are you guys even going??

the scarecrow: to Barbara's ofc

mad as a hatter: she's the least likely out of all our parents to freak out about this 

firewitch: I can't wait for this to backfire on you so we can laugh about it 

crazy gingersnap: guess again bitch we just told Babs everything that happened 

the power of God and anime: how'd she react?

the scarecrow: after we told her we caked Galavan, she gave each of us a high five and said she's ordering pizza

on cloud9 bitches: lol that is such a Barbara thing to do 

nerdy carrot top: I honestly wish I could I was surprised 

nerdy carrot top: Oh well, at least Jim will give you the lecture of a lifetime 

crazy gingersnap: ...

crazy gingersnap: fuck i did not think this through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a day late and I am sorry. I recently got Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order and it has completely dominated my life. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this and leave a kudos and a comment! 
> 
> Until next time!


	15. "How To Be A Disappointing Child" - A Guide by Jerome Valeska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mad as a hatter: YOU'VE LET YOUR SCHOOL DOWN
> 
> the scarecrow: YOUVE LET YOUR FRIENDS DOWN 
> 
> on cloud9 bitches: YOUVE LET YOUR FAMILY DOWN 
> 
> boss bitch: BUT MOST OF ALL
> 
> pengy: YOUVE LET YOUR FUCKING SELF DOWN

do it for the plants: so j squad

the guy she tells you not to worry about: on a scale of one to ten 

do it for the plants: one being "we're in the clear" 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and ten being "we fucked up so badly that we're going to have to change our names and run away to Sweden" 

do it for the plants: how much trouble are you in?

the scarecrow: I'd say it's about a 6 for me 

mad as a hatter: four 

crazy gingersnap: 25 

pengy: that bad huh?

kitty cat: I thought Babs high fived you tho

crazy gingersnap: she did

crazy gingersnap: unfortunately though, i have two parents 

crazy gingersnap: and Jim was not happy w/ me at all

nerdy carrot top: You should have seen the lecture he gave him

nerdy carrot top: It started out really bad 

nerdy carrot top: So bad that I actually started to feel sympathy for Jerome 

boss bitch: not enough for you to stop recording it though, of course 

nerdy carrot top: How did you know I recorded it?

firewitch: bc that is yours and pengys go to response when shit goes down 

pengy: hey you think I get all this blackmail material just handed to me? 

nerdy carrot top: And then it turned into the definition of hilarity 

kitty cat: well send us the vid then 

nerdy carrot top: _nerdy carrot top sent a video_

pengy: I'm only 30 seconds in but oml this is amazing 

the power of God and anime: it is 

the power of God and anime: don't get me wrong Jerome, I feel bad for you but like this is comedy gold 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: don't feel bad for him Bruce, he has only himself to blame 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: well, him and Tetch and Crane 

the scarecrow: duuuuuuude you're getting fucking roasted 

on cloud9 bitches: who the fuck knew Jim could be so funny yet savage?

crazy gingersnap: ME BITCH 

crazy gingersnap: CUZ IM THE ONE SUBJECTED TO HIS SAVAGERY 

firewitch: sorry we'll stop laughing 

crazy gingersnap: no you won't 

firewitch: you're right we won't 

boss bitch: we're going to laugh about this until the end of time 

kitty cat: and quote it at every possible opportunity 

crazy gingersnap: id say im disappointed but honestly i would do the exact same 

crazy gingersnap: and ngl i was doing my best not to laugh while he was lecturing me 

do it for the plants: BITCH I CANT BREATHE 😂😂😂😂

kitty cat: did you guys get to the 'you've let everyone down' bit?

kitty cat: bc bitch I have and I'm cackling 

mad as a hatter: YOU'VE LET YOUR SCHOOL DOWN

the scarecrow: YOUVE LET YOUR FRIENDS DOWN 

on cloud9 bitches: YOUVE LET YOUR FAMILY DOWN 

boss bitch: BUT MOST OF ALL

pengy: YOUVE LET YOUR FUCKING SELF DOWN 

the power of God and anime: I love how Jerome's trying to keep a straight face while Jeremiah is just shaking with what I assume to be silent laughter behind the camera 

nerdy carrot top: Oh I totally was 

boss bitch: 2:47 Jim's face at that moment tho 😂😂😂😂

boss bitch: he looks apoplectic 

firewitch: IKR I swear to god I thought he was going to spontaneously combust with rage and disappointment 

the scarecrow: 3:23 AS IF I NEEDED MORE PROOF THAT BARBARA KEAN WAS A FIUCKING ICON 

mad as a hatter: Jerome - it's really not that bad 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jim - I BEG TO DIFFER

do it for the plants: Babs, who had been chilling in the background with a glass of wine until that moment - then start begging, bitch 

do it for the plants: BITCH I CANNOT FUCKING EVEN 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

kitty cat: don't mind me as i google how to make a video my profile picture complete w/ audio 

on cloud9 bitches: don't mind me as I google how to get a video tattooed onto my body complete w/ audio

firewitch: THE LOOK ON JIMS FACE AFTER THOUGH 

pengy: he looks like she told him his entire life was a conspiracy theory come true and suddenly everything started making sense and all he could do was stare in shock

the power of God and anime: YOU GUYS WHY WOULD YOU SEND THIS NOW, IM AT A DINNER WITH THE ELLITOS AND MY PARENTS 

the power of God and anime: AND NOW I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO KEEP MYSELF FROM LAUGHING 😂😂😂😭😭😭

nerdy carrot top: BITCH, HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT? I WAS THERE!

nerdy carrot top: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO KEEP QUIET SO THEY DIDN'T NOTICE I WAS RECORDING IT???

nerdy carrot top: DO YOU?! 

do it for the plants: lol love how Jerome didn't even try to keep himself from laughing

the guy she tells you not to worry about: 3:39 did you fall to the floor then??

crazy gingersnap: FUCK YES I COULDNT HELP IT 😂😂😂 I WAS LAUGHING THAT MUCH 

mad as a hatter: ofc you were literally rolling on the floor laughing 

on cloud9 bitches: as funny as this is, I gotta ask why Jim was in Babs house??

crazy gingersnap: school called him about all the caking and he immediately went to Babs house bc he knew I'd be there 

crazy gingersnap: by this time, jervie and jonny had left and miah came home

boss bitch: have your parents caught you yet Bruce?

the power of God and anime: no I've got one EarPod in with my phone in my lap underneath to the table 

the power of God and anime: Alfred totally knows what's up tho

kitty cat: well duh he's Alfred he knows everything 

mad as a hatter: is he not ratting you out?

the power of God and anime: no but he keeps giving me disapproving looks and that's honestly worse 

firewitch: aw poor baby

the power of God and anime: I'm sensing sarcasm 

firewitch: you sense correctly 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: so what was the end verdict?

crazy gingersnap: well, it goes down on my permanent record in school and I'm grounded for a month plus Netflix priveslges have been revoked for the time being 

crazy gingersnap: privdeldges 

crazy gingersnap: PRIDGVLEGDES 

crazy gingersnap: fuck it y'all know what i mean

the scarecrow: aw man can you imagine what our school records are going to look like when we graduate? 

mad as a hatter: all the shenanigans we've gotten up to

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I actually dread to imagine what they'll look like 

pengy: they're gonna be longer than a CVS receipt 

the power of God and anime: I'm calling it; Jerome is going to get a copy of his and frame it 

crazy gingersnap: you know me so well

firewitch: still, no Netflix for a month? 

crazy gingersnap: nope 

kitty cat: that's rough buddy

nerdy carrot top: No it's not, that's only when we're staying at Jim's house which is only for Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays. Then on Tuesdays, we go to Babs for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday

do it for the plants: how'd Barbara get the extra day 

crazy gingersnap: Jim works more hours cuz he's a workaholic lol

the power of God and anime: that must be weird, living in two homes at the same time 

crazy gingersnap: eh not really we moved around a lot in the circus so we're both pretty used to it

nerdy carrot top: It's actually a lot more stable now because we only go to those two places rather than being dragged all over the country

nerdy carrot top: Not that I'm still bitter about that or anything 

pengy: meaning he's tol bitter 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what about you Tetch and crane? What trouble are you guys in?

the scarecrow: it's going on our records too and I'm grounded for 3 weeks whereas Tetch is only getting a week which is so fucking unfair

mad as a hatter: hey I still have to go to detention too

crazy gingersnap: oh I forgot we got detention as well

do it for the plants: why does that not surprise me?

crazy gingersnap: me getting detention or me forgetting about it?

nerdy carrot top: Both 

pengy: how long do you have detention for? 

the scarecrow: at the moment, indefinitely 

kitty cat: ha lol you bitches are getting it easy

on cloud bitches: she has a point, shouldn't you be getting suspended?

mad as a hatter: oh we almost were but after careful examination of our cake bombs, the police were able to determine that they couldn't have been used for harmful purposes so we got detention instead 

firewitch: ASDFGHJKL the cops were involved?!?!?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: *takes deep breath*

the guy she tells you not to worry about: *sighs*

boss bitch: lmao mood 

do it for the plants: oh yeah, Harvey was actually one of the people investigating it and he told me a little about it 

do it for the plants: FYI he thought it was hilarious 

the scarecrow: gotta love Harvey Bullock 

the scarecrow: so yeah other than detention and being grounded, we're in the clear 

the scarecrow: on the other hand, my parents found out about me and Tetch and now my mom is insisting on having him over for dinner

pengy: oooooh meeting the parents 

on cloud9 bitches: scary

mad as a hatter: I've met Mr and Mrs. Crane several times already 

mad as a hatter: I met them first in freshman year

firewitch: yeah but you've never met them as Jonny's bf before 

crazy gingersnap: and as we all know crane is super protective of jonny boy 

nerdy carrot top: So have fun with that 

mad as a hatter: ...

mad as a hatter: I'm doomed 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: hey has anyone heard from Ed today? I've been trying to message him but he's not answering 

boss bitch: really? Cuz same 

pengy: me too

firewitch: that's odd, it's not like him to not answer

the power of God and anime: do you think he's okay?

kitty cat: he probably just got distracted w/ homework or something 

on cloud9 bitches: or he's on a date w/ Kristen 

on cloud9 bitches: sorry pengy 

pengy: It's fine, I'll try calling him to see if he's alright 

mad as a hatter: splendid idea 

pengy: he's not answering 

nerdy carrot top: Well that's concerning 

the power of God and anime: maybe he's just sleeping??

boss bitch: Ed doesn't even sleep when he's supposed to be sleeping, he's not going to be taking a nap at 6 on a Saturday 

crazy gingersnap: who lives the closest to his house?

the scarecrow: that'd be me but I can't check on him since I'm grounded

do it for the plants: after Jonathan it's me, so I'll go 

the enigma: no need I'm here 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: oh thank god I was getting worried there 

firewitch: what happened? Are you okay?

the enigma: no, not really 

the power of God and anime: what's wrong?

the enigma: Kristen broke up with me 

mad as a hatter: OH 

boss bitch: fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEHOLD... whatever this is. 
> 
> Ngl, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. 
> 
> For anyone interested, that whole 'you've let your family, friends, etc. down' is a weird thing me and my best friend came up with one day that we yell at each other occasionally before bursting into laughter. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this! Leave a kudos and comment if you did, and thank you to everyone who does. Until next time!


	16. insults and threats of violence: the true essence of friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mad as a hatter: is there more than one order to watch them in??
> 
> the scarecrow: Oh Jervis, you are so lucky you are pretty

crazy gingersnap: fuck that sucks 

do it for the plants: do you want to talk about it?

kitty cat: why'd she break up w/ you?

on cloud9 bitches: have a bit more tact Selina

kitty cat: go fuck yourself Silver 

pengy: GUYS 

firewitch: NOT THE TIME 

the power of God and anime: we're sorry Ed, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to

the enigma: it's fine 

the enigma: basically she told me to meet her in the park and she explained that she found out she has feelings for Myrtle so she couldn't be with me anymore 

boss bitch: was she cheating on you?

boss bitch: cuz if she was, I'll fucking throw down 

kitty cat: same 

crazy gingersnap: ^

pengy: ^^ 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: ^^^

firewitch: ^^^^

the enigma: no she made it very clear that even though she's breaking up with me because of Myrtle, Myrtle doesn't know Kristen likes her 

the enigma: she also doesn't know that Myrtle likes her but she said it just wouldn't feel right being in a relationship with me when she has feelings for someone else 

the enigma: which I gotta say is pretty good of her 

mad as a hatter: so she wishes to avoid being cruel?

the enigma: yeah

the scarecrow: and did she?

the enigma: yeah she was actually pretty nice about it 

the enigma: unfortunately that doesn't stop me from feeling like my heart was repeatedly run over with a truck 

on cloud9 bitches: aw Ed 😢❤️ 

the enigma: I'm literally crying rn like why? We weren't even together that long

crazy gingersnap: HEY you do not have to validate your emotions to anyone, you like her and you feel sad your relationships over, there is nothing wrong w/ that 

nerdy carrot top: For once, I agree with Jerome 

firewitch: I know it sucks rn but it will get better Ed

the enigma: it doesn't feel like it

mad as a hatter: What does it feel like?

the enigma: like I'm going to dehydrate from all the tears I'm crying 

pengy: that's it, I'm coming over

pengy: be there in 30 mins

firewitch: I'm coming with him 

the enigma: you don't have to

on cloud9 bitches: yes we fucking do, now who wants a lift? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: me

firewitch: we'll swing by your house Victor

the power of God and anime: me and Selina 

on cloud9 bitches: I'll pick you guys up 

nerdy carrot top: *Selina and I 

kitty cat: nerd 

nerdy carrot top: Bitch 

kitty cat: asshole 

nerdy carrot top: Dick

kitty cat: freak

nerdy carrot top: Fight me 

kitty cat: I would but I told Bruce I wouldn't slap so many bitches this year so 

nerdy carrot top: Probably just as well. After all, there's very little victory in winning a fight against a midget 

kitty cat: and very little honour in beating up a bitch 

nerdy carrot top: I'm really glad we're friends 

kitty cat: me too 

firewitch: part of me wants to ask what the hell that was 

firewitch: part of me wants to move swiftly along with the conversation so I don't have to remember this

do it for the plants: aw I think it's sweet how they show their friendship for one another

the power of God and anime: through insults and threats of violence?

crazy gingersnap: ah yes, insults and threats of violence: the true essence of friendship 

do it for the plants: yeah I mean think about how much we all threaten and insult each other 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: for heaven's sake people focus! Our friend is in need and you're talking shit to one another!

do it for the plants: right, sorry ed x

the enigma: it's alright, that actually made me a laugh a little despite the tears

kitty cat: HA see we helped! 

nerdy carrot top: That was totally our intention! 

boss bitch: uh huh

on cloud9 bitches: I'm outside the manor guys

the power of God and anime: thanks 

do it for the plants: anyone want a lift from me? 

mad as a hatter: Mr Crane and I would greatly appreciate it 

nerdy carrot top: I'd also like a lift if anyone's offering 

crazy gingersnap: me too

the enigma: aren't the j squad grounded? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: yeah but when has that ever stopped them before?

the enigma: point 

boss bitch: I can pick the twins up 

do it for the plants: I'll get HATTERCROW 

firewitch: damn Ivy why you be shouting?

do it for the plants: cuz autocorrect is a bitch 

pengy: ain't it just?

firewitch: We're outside Ed

kitty cat: same with us

on cloud9 bitches: your mom seems nice 

the enigma: yeah Sarah's great 

the power of God and anime: so what's the plan?

pengy: binge watch a movie series of Ed's choice 

crazy gingersnap: if we're watching movies we need snacks 

on cloud9 bitch: I'm here and I'm all the snack anyone needs

do it for the plants: hell fucking yes 😂

on cloud9 bitches: 😉

nerdy carrot top: We're making a detour to get snacks because Jerome is a petulant child who refuses to be told no 

firewitch: love how that could and does apply to everyone in this chat

mad as a hatter: we're outside now

the scarecrow: hey Ed I don't want to influence your decision in anyway but 

the scarecrow: if you don't decide to binge watch a horror series then we can no longer be friends 

the enigma: then I guess we're no longer friends because I choose Star Wars

the scarecrow: A STAR WARS MARATHON??!!

the scarecrow: okay guess I can forgive you 

kitty cat: great, a whole day of watching nerd stuff 

the power of God and anime: why are you still trying to be cool when you hang out with the likes of us?

do it for the plants: eXcUsE yOu we are very cool 

the power of God and anime: sure Ivy, whatever helps you sleep at night

kitty cat: just bc I hang out with you losers doesn't mean I am one myself 

kitty cat: Bridget and I are the only cool ones in this group 

firewitch: aaaaaaw thanks babe xxxx

boss bitch: anyone else notice that Selina wrote 'Bridget and I' instead of 'me and Bridget' ??

nerdy carrot top: I did and I'm so proud 

kitty cat: ...

kitty cat: dear lord, what I have become? 

kitty cat: I cannot let this stand 

kitty cat: JEROME WHATS THE QUIKEST WAY TO PISS MIAH OFF?!

crazy gingersnap: start making comments about a certain blonde badass in this group 

nerdy carrot top: You little shit 

the scarecrow: as entertaining as that would be, I'd much rather talk about what order we're going to watch the Star Wars movies 

mad as a hatter: is there more than one order to watch them in??

the scarecrow: Oh Jervis, you are so lucky you are pretty 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you can watch them in chronological order of the story or by the release dates of the movie 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I say chronological order because release date involves too much jumping about from time period to time period 

nerdy carrot top: But the release date order allows you to see the progression of the movies as they came out 

on cloud9 bitches: not to be that person but, who gives a shit? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: WE DO

nerdy carrot top: WE DO 

the scarecrow: WE DO 

on cloud9 bitches: alright YEESH forget I asked 

the enigma: Well I vote chronological and since it's my house and my broken heart, I get to decide 

pengy: wow Ed, using your pain to get others to do what you want? 

pengy: I'm so proud 

crazy gingersnap: BITCHES WE ARE HERE LET IN YOUR SOVEREIGN LORD 

the enigma: the fuck dude? 

the power of God and anime: how many snacks did you guys get?

boss bitch: all of them 

boss bitch: literally. All of them 

do it for the plants: we'll be there in about five minutes 

the enigma: awesome 

mad as a hatter: WE HAVE ARRIVED 

on cloud9 bitches: your mom looks so fucking disturbed by the j squad and I honestly do not fucking blame her 

the scarecrow: WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?! WE CAN FINALLY WATCH STAR WARS 

**Several hours later**

kitty cat: I still don't get why you nerds love this thing so much 

the scarecrow: because you're clearly a bitch with no taste 

kitty cat: you're voluntarily dating Jervis, and you want to talk to me about taste?

crazy gingersnap: OOF 

boss bitch: BITCH 😂😂😂

pengy: Selina's savagery - a surprise to be sure but a welcome one 

mad as a hatter: I'm torn between offence and laughter

on cloud9 bitches: ngl, I've Berber watched Star Wars before but I really liked that 

do it for the plants: was already a big fan of Star Wars and I love it even more now if only for the memes

firewitch: I AM NOW A DIE HARD STAR WARS FAN ANYONE WHO TALKS SHIT ABOUT IT TO ME WILL BE CRUSHED 

the enigma: good, good, let the hatred flow you 

crazy gingersnap: welcome to the dark side 

the power of God and anime: Go forth, Lady Firefly, and bring peace to the galaxy! 

nerdy carrot top: Time to execute Order 66

the enigma: UGH NO ORDER 66 😭😭😭😭

nerdy carrot top: I KNOW 😭😭😭

the scarecrow: even after all this time, it still hurts so fucking much 

pengy: oooooookay then 

the enigma: in all seriousness, thanks for this guys. I feel a lot better now

firewitch: no problem 😊😊

do it for the plants: yeah, we're all here for you if you need us xxx

the enigma: thanks that's so nice 

pengy: no worries, glad we could help in any way we could 😊

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Oswald you simping bitch, never change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I did not update last week and for that, you have my most humblest apologies. Life was bitch and decided to get in my way. 
> 
> Also, I finished Fallen Order and The Clone Wars and now I have so many Star Wars feels (as you can probably tell from this chapter). What I wouldn't give for a story in which Jerome Valeska is a Jedi...
> 
> Anyway, hope this was worth the wait and thanks for reading! 😊


	17. STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOOOOOOOVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boss bitch: aw Johnny you big softie 
> 
> the scarecrow: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP THAT A SECRET 
> 
> the scarecrow: I HAVE A REPUTATION TO MAINTAIN 
> 
> pengy: lol what reputation? The one where you pretend to be an emo bad boy and then cry at the first minor inconvenience you suffer from?

**GROUP CHAT: And I will go down with this~~~~ ship**

Eccomiah Fangirl: So

Eccomiah Fangirl: as you all know, Valentine's Day is fast approaching and we have shit to do 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: as much as I hate to admit, I don't think Ed and Oz are getting together any time soon, at least not until Ed's over Kristen 

Hattercrow Stan: unfortunate but probably true. We'll just have to give them time 

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: on the plus side, at least they're not dating anymore so we don't have to worry on that front at least

Captain of the SS Valeyne: and this means we can focus all our resources on Eccomiah and Valeyne 

Hattercrow Stan: I'll touch base with Hattercrow to see what they've got planned for Valentine's Day 

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: I'll check with Jonathan and Bridget can take Jervis but after that, you three are on your own

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: we've got our own stuff to focus on for Valentine's Day 

Eccomiah Fangirl: Ah fair enough 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: so what's the plan(s)? 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: so, as I'm sure you're all aware, Deadpool is coming out on Valentine's Day 

Eccomiah Fangirl: yeeeeessssss

Captain of the SS Valeyne: my plan is simple but effective. We invite Nygmobblepot, Eccomiah and Valeyne to all go to the cinema with us together 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: BUT we do it individually (eg Victor will ask Eccomiah, Silver will ask Valeyne, I'll ask Nygmobblepot) and we tell them we'll meet them at different cinemas 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: there are four cinemas in the area so each group will go to one 

Eccomiah Fangirl: a good plan but how do we explain it when they show up and don't see us there?

Captain of the SS Valeyne: Admittedly I don't have an answer for that 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: I say we bs and say we got mixed up 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: or rather, you bs and say you fucked up. I'm spending the day with Nora

Hattercrow Stan: say hi to her from us! 

Eccomiah Fangirl: do you really think that will work?

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: yes

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: let's be honest, our friends are either wilfully oblivious or painfully dumb

Eccomiah Fangirl: true true, true true 

Hattercrow Stan: Jonathan's being really tight lipped about what he and Jervis are doing for Valentine's Day, the jerk

Hattercrow Stan: DOES HE NOT KNOW HE HAS ME TO THANK FOR HIS RELATIONSHIP?!

Nygmobblepot Shipper: yeah but he probably conveniently forgot that 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: so everyone clear on the plan?

Eccomiah Fangirl: yep, message them all separately and say we're going to the cinemas but tell them to meet at different cinemas 

Nygmobblepot Shipper: and I'll just not show up on the day or say I forgot I already made plans with Nora

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: and if they ask why you messaged them separately, just say that we didn't want the others to feel left out 

Hattercrow Stan: we're totally evil geniuses 

Captain of the SS Valeyne: evil geniuses in the name of love 

Eccomiah Fangirl: STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOOOOOOOVE

First Mate of the SS Valeyne: really?

Eccomiah Fangirl: had to be done

**Valentine's Day - 12:36pm**

**GROUP CHAT: legion of horribles - the return to hell**

do it for the plants: happy Valentine's Day! 

do it for the plants: what are my favourite real life couples up to? 

do it for the plants: oh fuck sorry Ed 

the enigma: it's fine 

pengy: how are you doing?

the enigma: surprisingly okay 

the enigma: I thought I'd be more torn up about it but knowing we've got plans later helps 

the scarecrow: ooooooooh you and Ozzie huh? Alone together on Valentine's Day?

pengy: STFU CRANE 

pengy: WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE CINEMA TO SEE DEADPOOL YOU MORON 

the scarecrow: what?! 

the scarecrow: you're going to see Deadpool without me?! 

the scarecrow: why wasn't I invited?!

the enigma: because it's Valentine's Day and you have a boyfriend? 

the scarecrow: ah I see 

do it fir the plants: so what are y'all up to?

firewitch: oh nothing much, just solidifying my rightful place as best girlfriend ever 

the scarecrow: oh really? 

kitty cat: yeah I have to admit, Bridget really went all out for this 

firewitch: it's our first Valentine's Day together! It has to be special! 

on cloud9 bitches: what'd she do? 

kitty cat: since we didn't go with you guys to laser tag ages ago, Bridget took me to paintball 

kitty cat: and we are roasting literally everyone 

firewitch: FALL BEFORE US, YE WEAKLINGS AND COWARDS 

kitty cat: I am having so much fun 

crazy gingersnap: i would be too if I was shooting people with paintballs 

mad as a hatter: Mr Crane has taken me to a lovely tea party!

mad as a hatter: I'm so happy! ☺️

boss bitch: aw Johnny you big softie 

the scarecrow: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP THAT A SECRET 

the scarecrow: I HAVE A REPUTATION TO MAINTAIN 

pengy: lol what reputation? The one where you pretend to be an emo bad boy and then cry at the first minor inconvenience you suffer from?

the scarecrow: oh you're one to talk 

pengy: exsqueeze me?

the scarecrow: you are exsqueezed 

nerdy carrot top: Hey where is everyone? I thought we were supposed to be meeting at the cinema for the 1pm viewing. So far, only Ecco and I have showed up

the power of God and anime: what? I thought we were meeting for 1:30pm 

the enigma: hang on a minute, Oswald and I are waiting outside for you guys too 

boss bitch: well obviously you aren't because otherwise we'd see you

crazy gingersnap: UNLESS

pengy: unless...?

mad as a hatter: you guys are at different cinemas

the scarecrow: what cinemas are you at? 

pengy: the one on 12th street 

nerdy carrot top: The one just past Wayne Enterprises 

on cloud9 bitches: wtf are you guys doing there? We're supposed to be meeting at the one past Park Row for 2pm 

crazy gingersnap: just say crime alley ffs 

the enigma: but Ivy told us that we were meeting at the one on 12th street for 1pm 

do it for the plants: because I thought we were?

do it for the plants: I guess this explains why Silver hasn't picked me up yet

on cloud9 bitches: yeah cuz I thought we were doing the 2pm one at Park Row

crazy gingersnap: but you told us it was the 1:30pm viewing we were going to, just past gcpd 

on cloud9 bitches: yeah and then Victor told me we'd changed it to Park Row 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: uh huh

nerdy carrot top: Did you know we were all going to different places?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: yes 

the enigma: and you didn't tell us because...?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: because I already had plans with Nora, so anything that happened with this outing is not my responsibility 

the power of God and anime: why were you even telling Silver that the venue had changed when you weren't even coming? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I wanted to see what would happen, it's not my fault she believed me

crazy gingersnap: Vicky F, you legend 😂😂😂

mad as a hatter: care to explain yourself better Victor?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you all seem to forget that I'm a troll first foremost, so I must needs remind you every now and then 

pengy: so what's the plan?

crazy gingersnap: I say we stick to the mixed up times because me and Bruce are already on our way to the cinema. Alfred's giving us a lift 

kitty cat: wait the twins live together, how did you guys not work out that you were going to separate places? 

nerdy carrot top: Aw that's cute, you think we talk to each other 

crazy gingersnap: lol what a fucking idiot 

firewitch: hey that's my girlfriend! 

boss bitch: Further proof of her idiocy - why else would anyone date you? 

boss bitch: we should probably head inside now 

the enigma: same with us Oswald

pengy: 👍

nerdy carrot top: Okay 

mad as a hatter: oh, so it's just going to be the two of you

the scarecrow: in a darkened room 

mad as a hatter: for two hours 

the scarecrow: on Valentine's Day?

mad as a hatter: 😏😉❤️

the scarecrow: who knows what could happen?

nerdy carrot top: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TWO

pengy: YEAH YOU KNOW NOTHING 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you guys are the epitome of subtlety 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: truly 

boss bitch: you guys won't hear from us for a while, the movie's starting now 

on cloud9 bitches: suuuuuuure, that's why we won't hear from you 😉

nerdy carrot top: ... I'm not going to dignify that with a response 

crazy gingersnap: WELP, we're just chilling, waiting for the damn movie to start 

firewitch: you still have a while before the film start, why'd you leave so early?

crazy gingersnap: why'd you ask so many questions?

kitty cat: why are you a bitch?

kitty cat: sometimes life just doesn't have any answers 

the power of God and anime: hope the movie starts soon, I'm really exited for it 

crazy gingersnap: oh fuck 

kitty cat: what's up? 

the power of God and anime: guess who just showed up?

mad as a hatter: Silver's Aunt Tabitha!

the power of God and anime: no

on cloud9 bitches: why would it be my aunt?

mad as a hatter: he said guess. So I guessed! 

the scarecrow: okay follow up question - why was that your first guess? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: guys, a little focus please 

mad as a hatter: sorry mom

on cloud9 bitches: sorry mom

the scarecrow: sorry mom

the guy she tells you not to worry about: *sigh* 

crazy gingersnap: ITS BITCH JONES AND THE BITCH SQUAD 

nerdy carrot top: Who?

the power of God and anime: Brant Jones, Tommy Elliot and some others 

the enigma: I thought it was spelt Eliot 

the enigma: you know, just one L

pengy: me too

the power of God and anime: nope, recently found out it's two Ls

kitty cat: so you mean we've been unintentionally trolling Timmy by spelling his last name wrong?

the power of God and anime: uh yeah I guess

kitty cat: awesome 

the power of God and anime: also you should really call him Tommy, that's his name

mad as a hatter: no his name is Timmy 

the scarecrow: we've been over this Bruce 

crazy gingersnap: T I M M Y 

nerdy carrot top: Please tell me you're calling him that to his face 

the power of God and anime: I can confirm that he is 

the power of God and anime: and he called Brant Jones Bitch Jones to his face as well

crazy gingersnap: AND THE LITTLE BITCH RESPONDED BY CALLING ME PRETTY BOY

crazy gingersnap: WHY THE FUCK DOES HE THINK THATS AN INSULT?

crazy gingersnap: CALL ME A PRETTY BOY

crazy gingersnap: I WANNA BE THE PRETTIEST BOY YOUVE EVER SEEN

mad as a hatter: please tell me you said that to him as well

the power of God and anime: he did 

the enigma: ffs Jerome, can't take you anywhere 

pengy: he's just a walking embarrassment just waiting to happen 

nerdy carrot top: Can confirm 

crazy gingersnap: HEY 

boss bitch: *sips facts not tea* 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Jerome, please, for once in your life, just fucking behave 

crazy gingersnap: I MAKE NO PROMISES 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: well, I tried, have fun dealing with that Bruce

the guy she tells you not to worry about: also, I've picked Nora up so don't mind while I ignore all of you for the rest of the day 

do it for the plants: enjoy! 

the power of God and anime: Jerome can you please stop antagonising them?

crazy gingersnap: NO THIS IS A MATTER OF PRIDE NOW 

the power if God and anime: how can it possibly be a matter of pride? 

crazy gingersnap: BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO

the power of God and anime: aaaaaand now they're fighting, brb 

boss bitch: well this should be interesting 

do it for the plants: I thought you guys weren't going to be messaging the chat for a while?? Aren't you watching the movie??

the enigma: bold of you to assume I'm not capable of doing both 

the enigma: FYI Deadpool is hilarious, highly recommend

on cloud9 bitches: aren't people annoyed at you guys for being on your phones?

pengy: we're at the back, so nobody's noticed 

nerdy carrot top: ^ 

mad as a hatter: at the back you say? 😏😉

pengy: don't ever message me again 

the scarecrow: hey Eccomiah, you comfy in the back there? 😏 

boss bitch: yes 

on cloud9 bitches: lol you're lewd suggestions are no match for Ecco's bluntness

firewitch: OOOOOOOH so what you're saying is that you and Miah are getting reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaal cozy? 😉😉😉😉😉 

nerdy carrot top: NO! 

nerdy carrot top: I MEAN 

nerdy carrot top: YES 

nerdy carrot top: BUT JUST AS FRIENDS!

do it for the plants: "just as friends" LOL 

kitty cat: bitch please, no one is ever just friends 

nerdy carrot top: WE ARE 

nerdy carrot top: right?

boss bitch: *takes deep breath* 

boss bitch: you know what? I'm sick of this

boss bitch: *slams hands down on table* 

kitty cat: oh shit

boss bitch: No, Jeremiah Valeska, we are not "just friends"

firewitch: ITS HAPPENING 

boss bitch: I don't want to be "just friends" and I know you don't want to be "just friends" either

the enigma: IT IS 

boss bitch: so from now on, you're my fucking boyfriend, got it?

nerdy carrot top: ...

nerdy carrot top: I 

nerdy carrot top: okay

on cloud bitches: AASDDFGHHJKL,KJHYTHGRBVGGHHHN 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

on cloud bitches: GHFGGHHRFAADFHHJNH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

on cloud9 bitches: IYDBHHGJKJDFWSSFHHIGHHB ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

pengy: OH SHIT you really just went for it huh?

mad as a hatter: OMG ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

the scarecrow: this is glorious 

do it for the plants: *starts chanting* ECCOMIAH ECCOMIAH ECCOMIAH 

pengy: lol bet you anything that Miah's blushing like a tomato right now 

boss bitch: _boss bitch sent a photo_

boss bitch: he is

nerdy carrot top: Do you all mind? I'm in a state of semi shock here 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
I am a Jedi, like Mark Hamil before me: Jerome  
Leia Organa, the Real MVP: Jeremiah**

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE 

Leia Organa, the Real MVP: JEROME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BE A GOOD BROTHER AND FUCKING FREAK OUT WITH ME 

**GROUP CHAT: legion of horribles - the return to hell**

the power of God and anime: so Jerome and I are now banned from the cinema just past the GCPD

kitty cat: why? 

the power of God and anime: ... We may or may not have gotten into a fist fight with Brant and his goons 

crazy gingersnap: AND IT WAS AMAZING 

crazy gingersnap: there was one point, when I had my back to Brant and he was about to attack me from behind and then Bruce just swooped in and fucking decked him 

crazy gingersnap: it was hilarious 

the power of God and anime: well I wasn't just going to let him attack you while your guard was down 

do it for the plants: sounds like he was a real knight in shining armour huh? 

crazy gingersnap: yeah

do it for the plants: *incoherent screeching* 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: my phone is buzzing like crazy, what have you morons done now?

mad as a hatter: Eccomiah are now an item and Jerome and Bruce are now banned from a cinema

crazy gingersnap: WAIT WHAT

crazy gingersnap: DID HE FINALLY ASK HER OUT 

the scarecrow: dude it's sooooooo much better than that 

the enigma: scroll up 

crazy gingersnap: OH FUCK YES ECCO 

crazy gingersnap: THAT IS MY FUTURE SISTER IN LAW BITCHES 

the power of God and anime: aw that's great guys, I'm so happy for you! 

pengy: hmmmmmm curious how they're not answering 

firewitch: wonder what they could be getting up to 😏😉

on cloud9 bitches: bet you they're making out

kitty cat: bet you Ecco's rolling her eyes while Jeremiah stares at her like the fucking simp that he is 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: Selina's totally won that bet

on cloud9 bitches: HEY LET A GIRL DREAM

**8:56pm**

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
Batboy: Bruce  
Crazy Clown: Jerome **

Batboy: hey so today was really fun 

Batboy: apart from the whole getting into a fight and getting banned from a cinema thing 

Crazy Clown: Bruce, it was fun BECAUSE OF the whole getting into a fight and getting banned from a cinema thing 

Batboy: maybe 

Batboy: so uh listen 

Batboy: I was thinking about what you said earlier and I was wondering if you would mind if I gave you a different nickname?

Crazy Clown: go ahead

 _Batboy set 1 nickname_

Batboy: so what do you think? 

the prettiest boy I've ever seen: ...

the prettiest boy I've ever seen: I love it 

Batboy: really?

the prettiest boy I've ever seen: yeah but you need a new nickname too now 

Batboy: oh uh okay 

_the prettiest boy I've ever seen set 1 nickname_

my knight in shining armour: I 

my knight in shining armour: this is really nice Jerome 

the prettiest boy I've ever seen: oh uh 

the prettiest boy I've ever seen: I'm glad 

the prettiest boy I've ever seen: 😊

my knight in shining armour: 😊

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
** **Fiery Princess: Bridget  
Cool Cat: Selina**

Fiery Princess: did you see the look on that last guys face when you shot him? It was priceless 

Cool Cat: I did - I'm never letting myself forget it 

Cool Cat: thanks for today Bridget, it was really fun 

Fiery Princess: anything for you ❤️

Fiery Princess: you know you're important to me right?

Cool Cat: well duh I'm your girlfriend 

Fiery Princess: yeah but you really are important to me Selina 

Cool Cat: you're important to me too

Fiery Princess: I spent so long wishing we could be together and now that we are, it's everything I dreamt it would be 

Cool Cat: ...okay

Fiery Princess: and the thing is Selina, is that you've become so much more than just a girlfriend to me

Fiery Princess: you're the first thing I think about when I wake up and my last thought before I fall asleep. When you smile, it makes me so happy I can barely breathe. And every time we're together, it's amazing

Fiery Princess: You're amazing 

Cool Cat: what are you saying Bridget? 

Fiery Princess: I'm saying 

Fiery Princess: I'm saying I'm in love with you 

Cool Cat: ...

Cool Cat: oh 

Cool Cat: okay 

Cool Cat: thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sighs* oh Selina, you hopeless moron. 
> 
> ECCOMIAH HAPPENED, ECCOMIAH HAPPENED, ECCOMIAH HAPPENED. 
> 
> TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Also, I know I mention Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order at one point (which was released in 2019) and this chapter mentions Deadpool (which was released in 2016) but as I've said before, this fic does not obey the laws of space and time, so anything goes! (It's a group chat fic, okay, it's not meant to be taken too seriously lol). 
> 
> That whole "why is pretty boy an insult" thing is not mine. I don't know who originally came up with it but safe to say, it wasn't me. 
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day for tomorrow, I guess. Gotta be honest, I don't really celebrate this (as I've never been in a relationship) but if you do, then I hope you enjoy it! If you were wondering, the only plans I have are a long shift at work so wish me luck. 
> 
> See you next time!


	18. for he's (allegedly) a jolly good fellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> on cloud9 bitches: anyone know why Selina is being such a bitch today? 
> 
> the guy she tells you not to worry about: you mean that's not her default setting?

**PRIVATE MESSAGE**

Bruce the Teenage Bat: YOU DID WHAT?! 

Selina the Teenage Cat: *sigh* here we go

Bruce the Teenage Bat: let me get this straight 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: Bridget, your girlfriend, the girl you've been obsessed with since like the beginning of time 

Selina the Teenage Cat: I've never been obsessed with her! I'm not you with Jerome 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: sure Jan

Bruce the Teenage Bat: so Bridget, the girl you are obsessed with 

Selina the Teenage Cat: I hate you 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: treated you to a lovely outing on Valentine's Day 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: after which she tells you that you are important to her and her life is better simply because you're in it 

Selina the Teenage Cat: that's not what she told me! 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: shut up I'm paraphrasing 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: and then she tells you that she's in love with you 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: and you, idiot that you are, proceed to tell her, not that you love her too or that she's important to you or anything significant like that 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: no you say "thanks" 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: **_"thanks"_**

Bruce the Teenage Bat: you 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: fucking 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: moron 

Selina the Teenage Cat: I fucking know alright?!

Bruce the Teenage Bat: what the fuck made you think saying "thanks" was a good idea?! 

Selina the Teenage Cat: I panicked okay?! You know I'm not good with feelings! 

Bruce the Teenage Bat: how the fuck are you going to fix this? 

Selina the Teenage Cat: DO I LOOK LIKE A PERSON WITH A PLAN?! 

**GROUP CHAT: and that was when Bridget knew - she fucked up**

Bridget: uuuuuugh I can't believe I was so stupid! 

Jervis: you weren't stupid 

Jervis: you were honest 

Jonathan: you say that like there's a difference 

Jervis: you are not helping right now 

Jonathan: never have I once ever claimed to be helpful 

Bridget: what am I gonna doooooo?

Bridget: she probably hates me and never wants to speak to me again! 

Bridget: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Jervis: I'm sure it's not that bad 

Jervis: she most likely simply did not know how to react and is just having a hard time processing it 

Bridget: yeah and when she processes it, she's gonna realise she doesn't love me and want to leave me! 

Bridget: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Jervis: she's not going to leave you Bridget. You simply have to be patient and wait for her to come around 

Jonathan: since when were you a love expert?

Jervis: since I had to explain to Alice why she couldn't marry Jerome 

Jonathan: pleeeeeeeeeeease tell me you said it was because he was a bisexual simp who's gay for Bruce 

Jervis: well I didn't use those exact words but it was something along those lines 

Jonathan: did it work? 

Jervis: yes though now I fear she may be looking for a new obsession from our friend group and I'm not sure what to do about it 

Jonathan: eh you'll cross that bridge when you get to it 

Bridget: um hello?! I'm currently mourning my love life and the two best friends who I turned to for comfort don't care!

Jonathan: ugh why are you even worrying? Selina likes you, she'll want to stay with you 

Jervis: exactly what I've been saying 

Bridget: 😭😭😭😭😭

Jonathan: okay this isn't working, we need to bring in the big guns 

_Jonathan added 1 member to the chat_

Oswald: what's up?

Jonathan: your sisters going through an emotional crisis, fix it 

Oswald: why?

Jervis: scroll up and read 

Oswald: Bridget you've just got to give her some space to realise that she loves you too

Bridget: but what if she doesn't love me too?

Oswald: then you talk to each other about it. Just because she doesn't love you too doesn't mean she wants to stop dating now does it?

Bridget: I guess not 

Bridget: thanks Oswald 🙂

Jonathan: UM 

Jervis: EXCUSE YOU?

Bridget: and thanks to you too xx

Jervis: anytime 😊😊☺️☺️

 **legion of horribles - return to hell**

the power of God and anime: hey guys just wanted to let you know it's my birthday on the 19th and that you're all invited to a party I'm having at the manor

the power of God and anime: fair warning, it will also be full of my parents' rich friends but we can just ignore them 

the scarecrow: OR 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: no 

the scarecrow: you didn't even know what I was going to say 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you were going to suggest that we prank them and Jervis was going to have to find a new boyfriend once I was done with you 

the scarecrow: you are no fun 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: bitch please I'm the life and soul of the party 

the scarecrow: true true, true true 

**Bruce's Birthday - 7:34pm**

mad as a hatter: I really think you're overthinking this

the scarecrow: just imagine how hilarious it would be 

crazy gingersnap: the sheer chaotic potential 

the power of God and anime: for the last time, you are not allowed to START A FIRE IN MY HOME 

the scarecrow: well of course we wouldn't start a fire!

mad as a hatter: honestly Bruce, what do you think we are? 

crazy gingersnap: no we'll just set off the fire alarm and watch as Gotham's elite is drenched in water from the sprinklers 

the power of God and anime: no 

the scarecrow: but 

the power of God and anime: no 

crazy gingersnap: what if

the power of God and anime: no

mad as a hater: maybe 

the power of God and anime: NO 

crazy gingersnap: well okay then guess we'll just have to sit in the corner and brood 

nerdy carrot top: You can't brood to save your life, you're too easily distracted 

crazy gingersnap: OOOOOOOH COOKIES 

nerdy carrot top: Case in point 

on cloud9 bitches: back off Valeska, those cookies are mine! 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: get in line bitch 

on cloud9 bitches: Victor, if you get in the way of me getting cookies, I will not hesitate to throw down 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: hit me with your best shot 

crazy gingersnap: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

do it for the plants: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

pengy: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT 

the enigma: Bruce you okay? You look a little stressed 

the power of God and anime: oh I'm fine, I'm just questioning why I ever thought this was a good idea

boss bitch: bitch me tooooooo

boss bitch: the fuck? 

nerdy carrot top: Classic 

kitty cat: UUUUUUGH we get it you're a fucking simp 

boss bitch: rude 

kitty cat: rudeness is my speciality 

firewitch: I wouldn't say that 

kitty cat: yeah well I would! 

nerdy carrot top: ...

nerdy carrot top: I am very uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the chat today 

mad as a hatter: bitch me tooooo

mad as a hatter: the fuck? 

the enigma: is anyone else really unnerved when Jervis talks/types normally? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: yes

pengy: yeah he totally does it on purpose 

crazy gingersnap: this be true 

the scarecrow: Jervis is a being who simply lives to be unsettling 

mad as a hatter: Tis true, I am 

the scarecrow: it's great

mad as a hatter: aaaaw ☺️❤️

the scarecrow: 🙂

kitty cat: you two are sickening 

do it for the plants: aw I think they're cute 

kitty cat: well I don't 

crazy gingersnap: clearly 

firewitch: I think it's nice that they can show affection for each other 

kitty cat: wtf that's supposed to mean?

firewitch: I just think it's good that they're that comfortable with each other 

kitty cat: well maybe not everyone is comfortable with public displays of affection!

boss bitch: this is a group chat 

kitty cat: the principle still stands! 

the enigma: okay???

on cloud9 bitches: anyone know why Selina is being such a bitch today? 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you mean that's not her default setting? 

kitty cat: oh hardy fucking har

do it for the plants: YEESH seriously who shat in your cornflakes this morning? 

kitty cat: I will end you Ivy 

the power of God and anime: what Selina is trying to say is that she's going through something right now 

crazy gingersnap: so go around it 

nerdy carrot top: Not the fucking time

boss bitch: you okay? 

on cloud9 bitches: what's up? 

kitty cat: none of your fucking business

nerdy carrot top: Hey! Just because you're in a bad mood doesn't give you an excuse to be a bitch! I know this because I am bitch and these be the rules 

kitty cat: ...

kitty cat: your right 

kitty cat: I'm sorry 

boss bitch: apology accepted 

on cloud9 bitches: ^

firewitch: hey Selina, can we talk? On pm?

kitty cat: sure 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
** **Fiery Princess: Bridget  
Cool Cat: Selina**

Cool Cat: look about what you said and what I said in response, I'm sorry 

Fiery Princess: don't be 

Cool Cat: no really it wasn't a cool thing to do and I'm sorry 

Cool Cat: I just panicked 

Cool Cat: I really like you Bridget and sometimes I'm really sure what to do with that bc feelings have been my forte but I want you to know how much I appreciate and adore you 

Cool Cat: so here goes I guess

Fiery Princess: if you're about to tell me you love me, please don't 

Cool Cat: what? Why not?

Fiery Princess: bc I didn't say it so you'd say it to me, I said it bc it was true and I wanted to

Fiery Princess: I wanted you to know how important you've become to me 

Fiery Princess: but I know you're not ready to say it yet, either bc you don't feel that way or bc you're just not ready and that's okay 

Fiery Princess: I said it bc I wanted you to know but you don't have to say it back bc of that 

Fiery Princess: if you tell me you love me, I want it to be bc you're ready to say it, not bc you feel like you have to 

Cool Cat: really?

Fiery Princess: yes 

Cool Cat: oh 

Cool Cat: great

Cool Cat: sorry for freaking out 

Fiery Princess: you don't have to be 

Fiery Princess: are we okay?

Cool Cat: we're okay 

**GROUP CHAT: legion of horribles - the return to hell**

do it for the plants: since Firecat are making out in the corner I assume everything's been fixed 

crazy gingersnap: moving swiftly along from this awkwardness 

the power of God and anime: no 

crazy gingersnap: you don't even know what I was going to say! 

the power of God and anime: it's called a preemptive strike 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: probs for the best, Jerome is a menace 

pengy: this be true 

crazy gingersnap: hey fuck you guys 

crazy gingersnap: I was actually going to suggest a game of hide and seek bc this is a big house and it would be fuuuuuuun 

crazy gingersnap: plus we'd get away from these stooges 

the power of God and anime: that's... Actually not a terrible idea 

crazy gingersnap: well you don't have to sound so surprised 

the enigma: is that what we're doing then?

the power of God and anime: you know what, sure 

the scarecrow: WOO HOO

pengy: I'll seek I guess 

the guy she tells not it to worry about: and we're off!

**8:30pm**

the power of God and anime: silver what the fuck do you think you're doing? 

on cloud9 bitches: ooooooooh so Jerome can hide in the attic no problem but the moment I take a step to the cellar, that's not okay? I see how it is 

the power of God and anime: I'm not talking about that 

the power of God and anime: I'm talking about the bottle of wine in your hand 

on cloud9 bitches: well that's just none of your business 

the power of God and anime: I'm suppressing so many sighs rn

boss bitch: lmao mood

the guy she tells you not worry about: what she said 

do it for the plants: I read that as 'that's what she said' which made me think of Ecco and Fries as a couple for some reason and I was like 'damn Jeremiah already be getting competition from Victor' 

mad as a hatter: that's not a competition 

the enigma: Ecco would totally dump Miah's ass for Victor's 

boss bitch: yeah that sounds about right 

nerdy carrot top: well at least you're not leaving me for Jerome

boss botch: oh I would never insult you like that 

crazy gingersnap: HEY 

pengy: she has a point 

crazy gingersnap: no she does not 

crazy gingersnap: ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME 

the power of God and anime: yes they would 

the enigma: do you want to be lucky Bruce? 😉

the power of God and anime: TIME FOR CAKE 

the scarecrow: FOR HES A (allegedly) JOLLY GOOD FELLOW 

do it for the plants: FOR HES A (allegedly) JOLLY GOOD FELLOW 

mad as a hatter: FOR HES A (allegedly) JOLLY GOOD FELLOOOOOOW

on cloud9 bitches: WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY 

pengy: I mean I can 

kitty cat: and me

crazy gingersnap: you'll both shut your mouths if you know what's good for you 

firewitch: happy birthday bruce! Hope it's been a good one 

the power of God and anime: surprisingly it has been 

boss bitch: glad to hear it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little all over the place. My apologies. 
> 
> Happy (late) birthday to Batman/Bruce and David! 
> 
> So, I've got assessments coming up and I really have to get them done so you might not hear from me next week. I'll try to get something written but obviously uni takes priority so hopefully I'll see you next week but if I don't, it'll be the week after. 
> 
> Either way, until next time!


	19. Victor is a Mom and Ed is a Dog (and this is our lives now)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nerdy carrot top: I mean, what are the odds? 
> 
> crazy gingersnap: the real question is what are the evens? 
> 
> nerdy carrot top: Never speak to me again

do it for the plants: what is up my bitches? 

crazy gingersnap: what is good my guy?

the enigma: it is Wednesday my dudes 

mad as a hatter: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH 

kitty cat: it's Saturday but sure 

the enigma: why can't you just go along with the fucking joke selina? 

kitty cat: bc my one purpose in life is to troll you every opportunity I get 

the enigma: why do you only troll me though? 

kitty cat: wHy dO YoU oNlY tRoLl mE tHoUgH? 

the power of God and anime: hey so you know how my birthday was a semi disaster? 

nerdy carrot top: I don't think that's how to properly phrase that but yes 

crazy gingersnap: suck a dick Miah 

nerdy carrot top: I have a girlfriend 

do it for the plants: oh really? 

mad as a hatter: you have a girlfriend?

the scarecrow: why didn't you say anything?

the guy she tells you not to worry about: now that I think about it, he might have mentioned it 

mad as a hatter: once or twice 

the scarecrow: every second 

do it for the plants: for the past two weeks 

crazy gingersnap: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

pengy: that sounded oddly scripted 

mad as a hatter: we're quoting Harry Potter 

pengy: ofc you are 

do it for the plants: sorry Ecco 

boss bitch: eh it's fine, I think everyone in this chat has been the butt of the joke everyone now and then 

do it for the plants: oh no I meant sorry that you're dating Jeremiah 

nerdy carrot top: Can you go hug a tree or something? 

do it for the plants: I can't hug a tree but I can fuck your bitch 

the power of God and anime: this chat is so fucking cursed 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you were saying Bruce?

the power of God and anime: thanks Victor, as I was saying before you all got horribly distracted, I was wondering if you guys would be interested in going camping 

kitty cat: ...

nerdy carrot top: ...

pengy: ...

the enigma: ...

mad as a hatter: ...

on cloud9 bitches: ...

on cloud9 bitches: you do realise who it is you are spleaking to, yes? 

the power of God and anime: no I don't know who I'm spleaking to actually 

on cloud9 bitches: stfu you know I meant speaking 

on cloud9 bitches: now answer the damn question 

the power of God and anime: I thought I was speaking to my friends but apparently not 

the scarecrow: I think what silver is trying to say is that, those weak bitches couldn't handle camping 

pengy: why would I choose to sleep in a bag outside when I could sleep in my bed inside? 

on cloud9 bitches: ^ 

the power of God and anime: what's wrong with camping?

nerdy carrot top: What's right with it?

mad as a hatter: camping to you is great fun I see, but for myself, I prefer some luxury 

firewitch: aw come one guys it could be really fun 

kitty cat: could be, doesn't mean it will be 

crazy gingersnap: I'm down for camping 

boss bitch: Bruce suggested it so of course you are 

crazy gingersnap: STFU ECCO NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUD OPPINION 

crazy gingersnap: YOUR OPINION 

the scarecrow: eh I'd be okay with camping 

the scarecrow: especially if we have a campfire we can tell scary stories around 

crazy gingersnap: AND MAKE SMORES 

do it for the plants: imagine all the pranks in the middle of the night 

pengy: another reason not to do this 

the enigma: I think she meant it as a reason TO do it

do it for the plants: indeed I did 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: honestly I'd be down for camping too

kitty cat: oh then we have to do it 

the enigma: the king has spoken 

on cloud9 bitches: but I don't wanna go camping

the power of God and anime: hang on, why is it that when I asked you guys to go only some of you agreed but since Victor says yes, we're now all in? 

mad as a hatter: because Victor is mom and what he says goes

the guy she tells you not to worry about: how many times must I remind you that I am no one's mother? 

mad as a hatter: Just one more time mom 

firewitch: my loneliness is killing meeeee

firewitch: (and IIIIII) 

do it for the plants: I must confess, I still believeeeee

on cloud9 bitches: (still believe) 

the scarecrow: when I'm not with you I lose my mind 

nerdy carrot top: Give me a siiiiiiiiign 

crazy gingersnap: HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME 

mad as a hatter: at first, i was very confused about why you started singing that but I get it now 

the power of God and anime: so just to check, we're all going camping?

boss bitch: yes 

the scarecrow: how bout next weekend?

firewitch: sounds good 

boss bitch: moving along, can someone pls pls put me out my misery 

the enigma: what's up?

boss bitch: chemistry homework be kicking my ass again 

boss bitch: uuuuuuuuugh

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I feel that on a spiritual level 

firewitch: everyone in this cat is so damn broken 

the power of God and anime: it's taken you this long to forgive that out?

the power of God and anime: *figure 

pengy: ASSDDGHJLL YOU GUYS 

the scarecrow: oh shit if pengys freaking out this is bad 

pengy: _pengy sent a photo_

pengy: I FOUND A DOOOOOG 

firewitch: EEEEEEEEK I LOVE HIM 😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️

crazy gingersnap: ME TOOOOOOOO 😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️😱😱😱😱😱

on cloud9 bitches: 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

do it for the plants: 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

mad as a hatter: 😍😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

the guy she tells you not to worry about: what do you mean you found a dog? 

nerdy carrot top: I think it means he found a dog Victor 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: don't sass me young man 

nerdy carrot top: You can't tell me what to do 

the power of God and anime: hey show your mother some respect! 

nerdy carrot top: Sorry mom 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: you know what, fine. I am your people's mother now 

do it for the plants: HE ADMITS IT 

the enigma: but wait, what about the people in this chat who are dating each other? 

on cloud9 bitches: guess we're just a family who's very big on incest

boss bitch: ... I hate my life 

the scarecrow: bitch me too you ain't special 

the guy she tells you not to worry about: I meant where did you find this dog?

pengy: just walking back to my house, he was all alone 

mad as a hatter: poor bb ☺️☺️☺️

the guy she tells you not to worry about: and what do you plan on doing with this dog Oswald? 

pengy: ...

pengy: well me and my dad may or not be in a vet making sure he's healthy and that he doesn't belong to anyone 

mad as a hatter: well that was quick 

firewitch: perks of having rich parents 

pengy: so he doesn't have an owner and is now mine 

the enigma: well that escalated quickly 

the scarecrow: but literally no one is surprised 

kitty cat: it's Oswald so 

firewitch: I HAVE A NEPHEW 😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

crazy gingersnap: congrats! 

the power of God and anime: what are you calling him? 

pengy: well it's a funny story you see

pengy: the vet who was examining him was just wrapping things up with us when one of his colleagues came in about a problem but he said the vets name when he entered 

pengy: his name is Ed and when the woman said his name, the dog barked so we tested it out and think his name is Ed 

the enigma: your dog is named ed? That's awesome 😄😄😄

the power of God and anime: so Victor is a mom and Ed is a dog

the power of God and anime: how is this our lives? 

kitty cat: hey don't look at me, you're the one who wanted to make friends 

nerdy carrot top: It is strange about the dog being called Ed though

nerdy carrot top: I mean, what are the odds? 

crazy gingersnap: the real question is what are the evens? 

nerdy carrot top: Never speak to me again 

on cloud9 bitches: to be or not to be? THAT is the question

do it for the plants: nah the REAL question is HARRY DID YA PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE?

the scarecrow: and the REALEST question is "Why are the gods such vicious pricks? Where's the God of tits and wine?" - Tyrion Lannister 

kitty cat: that's two questions 

the scarecrow: go fuck yourself 

kitty cat: why would I do that when I have Bridget? 

mad as a hatter: *gasp* MY PURE VIRGINAL EYES 

the enigma: yes, because _that's_ the dirtiest thing that has been written in this chat 

pengy: and who tf do you think you're fooling, calling yourself a virgin? 

mad as a hatter: excuse you, I am purity personified! 

the scarecrow: ... Please tell me you're taking the piss

mad as a hatter: obviously lol 

crazy gingersnap: PHEW you had me going there Jervy 

mad as a hatter: well we all climbed out of hell together so 

kitty cat: j squad are Devils #confirmed 

boss bitch: was that ever in doubt? 

**PRIVATE MESSAGE  
** **Big Bro: Oswald  
Little Sis: Bridget**

Little Sis: so that whole thing about the vet being called Ed was a lie, right? 

Big Bro: ...

Big Bro: yes

Big Bro: don't tell anyone or I will destroy you 

Little Sis: relax I can keep a secret 

Big Bro: I know you CAN keep a secret, the question is WILL you keep this secret

Little Sis: I will keep it secret 

Big Bro: good

Little Sis: but you totally have it bad dude 

Big Bro: no comment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for my absence, I hope this chapter makes up for it. Thank you for your patience! 
> 
> I submitted my assessments yesterday so I should be back to regular updates for the next while yet. 
> 
> As always, if you liked it, please leave a kudos (if you haven't already) and a comment. And enjoy! 
> 
> See you next time 😊


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